There are times where I look at my children and I can’t believe I made them. They’re all mine, and there is nothing they can do to escape me (haha!). I feel so happy and such joy when I see them, but sometimes I wonder if they sense my sadness. Sometimes I wonder if when they’re older they will be embarrassed of our life and their dead sister. 

I think for the most part I am able to keep my shit together for them, but there are things that make me cry or make me have a rough day. Landon I know senses it. He asks me often if things are “going to make me cry”, or if I’m “sad about Kenley”. When she first died I remember telling him that this will be with me forever; that I will always be sad because his sister didn’t get to come home with us. And I know he understands that sadness because he misses her too. 

Another thing I feel lately is a weirdness when I say I miss Kenley. I knew her for 38 weeks, but, I didn’t know her outside of my womb. It’s just been hitting me a little weird lately. I don’t even really know how to explain it. I guess it’s like…what is there to miss (but at the same time what I’SNT there to miss…)? I never made memories with her, I never got to see her roll over or witness her trying peas for the first time. 

Life is weird in the “after” and it just seems that every day comes with a new mountain to climb for lack of better words. Every day brings a new milestone that Alden is completing that her sister never had a chance to. 

So weird. 

#Streamofconsciousness