thanksgrieving.

Today was hard. I figured it would be, it IS a holiday so of course it’s going to feel awful because one of my children is dead. I tried to block it out and pretend it was just another day but as the day rolled on it became unbearable.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade made me cry… three times. I understand that it’s a huge thing, but I hate it. Don’t need to see tons of Christmas floats, or fucking JoJo Siwa taking selfies for her 6 million IG followers, and I REALLY don’t need to hear Christmas music, on Thanksgiving, while waiting to see Santa on a float full of toys and reindeer. No thanks.

Landon ran to the screen when Santa came on and I started crying. It just broke my heart. He is still such a little kid at heart and I forget that sometimes because he’s so smart and acts so mature. But, he’s six.

I’m so thankful for Landon, and his health and everything he brings to my life. He made me a Mommy, and has molded me into the woman I am. He gave me patience I never knew I had (or was capable of honestly), and he has given me so much joy over his lifetime.

I’m so thankful Alden is here, alive and healthy to celebrate her first Thanksgiving. She enjoyed plenty of goodies today such as: Turkey, Yams, pieces of a croissant, cheese, mashed potatoes, and some pumpkin pie. She has brought so much light to my darkness and made me feel things I literally thought I would never feel again. She smiles at me and I just want to cry because she loves me so much. I am her everything and for that, I am truly thankful.

I’m (surprised) and thankful for the little girl growing inside of me. She doesn’t know how lucky she truly is, and I can’t wait to love her and give her an amazing life.

I’m thankful for my hardworking Husband who stayed home by himself today because he had to work. This is the first Thanksgiving in 13 years that we have been apart, I believe. He usually has the day off but due to schedule changes that didn’t happen this year. I love him more than he will ever be able to comprehend, and I am so thankful for everything he has given me over our relationships timeline. He has made me into the wife that I am today and I am so thankful to walk this journey with such an amazing man by my side.

And finally, I’m thankful for Kenley. I wish that she were here every single second of every single day (this is not an exaggeration), and I would give anything to make that happen. I’m so thankful that she made me a mom for a second time. There was a time in my life where I thought I would never be able to have any more children. When we received our dismal infertility diagnosis I thought it was all over, but I pressed on and knew I wanted more babies. Then, she came to me. After an intense round of fertility treatments I was pregnant. With a sweet baby girl nonetheless. I was pregnant with my lifelong best friend.

I’m so thankful that she only knew love, and Christmas music; That she was always warm and never knew pain. I’m thankful that she got to take baths with me, and go to Harry Potter world in Florida, and fly on a plane! I’m thankful for the 38 weeks and 4 days that I carried her, and talked to her, and loved her.

I am so thankful to be her Mommy, but my Mommy heart is so heavy during these times. While these things are things I’m thankful for, I’m also grieving them. I will never get to tell her about Harry Potter world and how I had to eat so frequently to avoid puking while we were there. Or, how we said we would bring the kids back someday because it was so cool.

I grieve the loss of every Holiday without her. I grieve the loss of the normal days, too. The learning I’ll never witness, the identification of colors and numbers and who Mommy or Daddy are. Her smile. Her laugh. Her voice. Her grasping my finger while she eats. Her cry. It’s everything. I will never have another day with one of my children and sometimes I truly believe people forget that.

Yes, it has almost been 2 years since she died, but she is still and always will be my daughter. I will always long for another second with her and it will always be impossible. She is always missing from our family. She will always be a missing seat at our table.

This year, I am thankful for so much, but I am also grieving.

2 thoughts on “thanksgrieving.

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