Today you would be a crazy 2 year old. You would be running around, pretending you can fly, or pestering your brother. I’m not quite sure how I see your personality being because I don’t allow myself to go there; it’s too hard to think of who you should be when I will never know the answer to the question. I look at photos of your brother around your age and it breaks my heart.
When I heard those terrible words, I knew immediately what I had lost. Everything I had witnessed throughout your brothers life and had dreamed for you was ripped away from me. I was lost.
I couldn’t believe after all the heartache we endured to have you, and the entire pregnancy full of sickness and terrible pain, you were gone. Stolen from us. Without warning, and there was nothing we were able to do to get you back.
I think that’s the hardest part…when the acceptance sets it. When you finally realize that you are really gone, and there is no way to bring you home to where you belong. No amount of love could bring you home, or could save you from leaving to begin with. I couldn’t wish you to come back. I couldn’t even pay someone every cent I could ever own to bring you back. I was without you, forever. I will be without you, forever.
The first year without you was hard; everything was so fresh and shock was very much at the front of my grief. This second year though…it has been weird. We brought your sister into our lives and she has given us so much joy. I know that you two would have been thick as thieves and would have caused me so much stress. I would give anything to witness that now. When I look at Alden, I can’t help but see you in her. She is here because of you, which in itself is messed up. I don’t want one of my children to be alive because the other one died- I want you both alive.
During this second year I think that acceptance has set in. I realized that this is my life now, and I need to learn to live with my grief and your death. These things need to mesh with my every day life for the sake of your siblings. I cannot shut down. I have to function in order to provide them with the loving home that they deserve…that YOU deserved too. I would have given my life for any of you to live, and so I need to try to function for their sake. If you were here, and the same happened to one of your siblings I would try my hardest to make your life wonderful, just as I am for them.
And also during this second year of grief…you sent us a miracle. You sent us an earthly sister for Alden. I will never understand this. We are beyond thankful for her, and the fact that she is growing so healthy and strong, but I don’t understand the timing. Why did we have to go through all the pain of losing you, and fertility treatments for you and Alden, and then bam? It confuses me, and I just have learned to roll with the punches now.
You have given me the strength to help others in your memory, too. This is my favorite thing to do, sweet girl. I love to let people know about you, and to help their momma hearts in your name. You are so special and I know that your name has been on the lips of many people around the world, and to me that is huge. It makes my heart soar when people say your name, or talk to me about you. I have big plans for the future in your memory, baby girl. I can’t wait to see them all fall into place.
On your second birthday, I am missing you terribly. I can barely breathe when I think about the way life should have been. I miss you in my bones now, and it’s a pain I will always feel. I hope you know how much I love you. I know there is never a way for me to say it to you on earth again, but I love you more than you could ever know. I wanted you so incredibly bad, and I will never be the same because when you left, you took a piece of my heart with you.
You are my best friend, my little love.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girl. Mommy loves you with every inch of her heart and soul.