Today I had my third NST. Everything looked wonderful, and Rowan was very active once hooked up to monitoring…

Yeah. Once we hooked her up, I felt less crazy. Let’s start from the beginning…

As I’m driving to my appointment it hits me that I can’t remember when the last time I felt her move was. I thought hard about it and decided I felt her move this morning around 6:30 when Landon woke me up. I rolled over in bed and she started kicking- I’m pretty sure that’s the last big movement I felt from her that I could really be positive about.

Usually she will kick when I shower- I did that this morning and I can’t recall her kicks.

So I’m driving down the road completely zoning out about movement, poking her and begging her to move. Nothing. I wish I could say I believed things would be ok, and I didn’t spiral into crazy town in my head but that’s not the case at all. I turned the music up really really loudly, poked my belly, pushed my belly, drank my cold water, and still no movements.

Then, PTSD kicked in. I had all the thoughts and feelings of when Kenley died. I could just picture myself going to this NST thinking everything was fine only to be told it wasn’t. It would be the same thing- unable to find her heart on the monitor…ultrasound…the world comes crashing down around me.

I hustled to my appt, walked inside and checked in. As I was sitting there waiting I felt her kick. Then again, and a few more hard jabs.

I felt a little relief.

My favorite nurse came to grab me for the NST and I explained what was going on. She hooked me right up and we heard her heartbeat immediately. We watched as she had proper accelerations and eventually the nurse told me to lay back and relax. She was going to keep me on for about 10 more minutes.

I put my phone down, and laid there with my eyes closed, alone in the room with my baby girl. I listened to her heart beating away nice and strong. In those moments I realized (all over again? Had I been pushing these feelings down? Idk…) that I will NEVER be a normal mother again. Ever. No matter what. After what I have endured, nothing will be normal for me again.

As my nurse unhooked us and told me we sounded wonderful and passed with flying colors, she said something that I really needed to hear.

She said “Don’t ever hesitate to call us. Come in, we’ll hook you right up, and you can stay here all day if you need to. Or go to L&D and stay there as long as you need. After what you’ve been through it’s absolutely understandable.”

I’m glad she understands. But, it just goes to show you that the medical field is still a bit out of touch. I know she meant “what you’ve been through” = the death of Kenley, but it’s just like…Kenley is not something we went through. She IS my daughter. She is my every day, my every second, my reality. I’m not going to come out on the other side of her death as the phrase “what you’ve been through” suggests…I will always be in the thick of it.

So today was less than fun…