I have no time. I have been stretching myself so thin lately that I feel like I want to punch something. Please allow me to explain myself…

We need more space in our current home so for the last like year we have been tossing around adding on, building, or buying a home. We finally got to a point where we decided we were for sure going to build. I was gathering quotes from builders (7 different builders) and we had decided on a floor plan with all the upgrades yada yada yada. I called the bank and spoke with my “person” there and she informed me of a bunch of crap we would have to do if we wanted to buy land while we still own our current home. Shane and I were like “oh shit, that sucks” and we just felt dejected and let down, frustrated that we have been working so hard to get these quotes and we would need to sell and also have a huge down payment for a piece of land.

Later that night Shane was looking at the real estate websites and goes “Oh man, that green house is for sale that we like!”, so we sat down and looked at the photos and emailed the realtor saying we wanted to look at it. The next day we walked through it, the day after that we put in a full price offer. They didn’t respond to our offer, and ended up taking a few more days than we were happy with to respond and ultimately came back with a good counter offer, but they still had something in the contract that we just weren’t happy with.

Ultimately, we decided to pass on the home…I’m heart broken, and grumpy about it. I wanted that home. It was PERFECT. It was 3400 sq ft, 4 bedrooms, 2.5 bathrooms, had a wood burning fireplace, it was PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT. There is nothing for sale around our town that is worth a crap, and this house was IT. But, ultimately the fact that they could accept another offer if we didn’t get an offer on our house within 30 days was just scary for us. So, we just decided to walk away. It was in a neighborhood too and Landon couldn’t ride his four wheeler so that was a big red flag for us in the first place.

Back to square one…

We are currently getting our home ready to put on the market, and holy shit I didn’t realize there was so much we needed to do to our house! We just live here and fix things when they need fixed or whatever but when you’re going to sell it’s totally freakin different. We are currently waiting to have our countertops measured for granite on 6/25, and they will be installed on 7/2. We are having painters come on Monday to paint the rest of our trim and 6 interior doors. The past two weeks of my life have been SO incredibly frustrating. I just want things to go smooth because I’m already stressed about leaving our house. It is Kenley’s only home, and that breaks my heart.

I’m tired and frustrated and annoyed and grumpy and sad and worried and angry that this is my life in the first place. It’s supposed to be exciting to pick a house and move there. We can afford a beautiful home and I want to be excited about it, but I’m just stressed. I wish that I wasn’t such an anxious person and could enjoy life, but that’s just not me. It may have been me in the past I think? I’m not sure. I don’t know that person anymore. I haven’t known her in a long time.

Being this busy leads me to feeling so down a lot of the times. I feel like I don’t have time for myself, or for my children individually. I definitely don’t have time for grief, and it ends up manifesting itself as other things such as anger, sadness, depression. The other day while packing, Landon carried the diaper bag I took to the hospital with Kenley out to the packing area and I started immediately crying. My mom looked so worried and asked what was wrong, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks all over again. That bag. That bag that was lovingly packed and prepared for her beautiful body to come home…the bag that still has my nursing bra inside of it.

I don’t want to sit down and have a planned moment to cry, because that’s just not where I’m at in my life. Life is happening all around me and I am barely keeping up, but I feel like because it’s always going 1,000 miles a minute, I don’t have time to even think about how badly I miss her. I sat in that nursery waiting for her to come home…and we’re going to move away from this house. It feels like I’m leaving her behind in a way. The closet in the nursery is still painted the same color as Kenley’s nursery; I didn’t change it when the painter painted it for Alden’s arrival. It feels like everything is changing again and I just want it to be the same. I want to go back to before life was a constant changing river flow.

I’m so ready to be settled into somewhere that I can call home….I wish that I could share that home with all of my children….