housework.

Posted by Randi

I was so sick while pregnant with Kenley. From the very beginning I was throwing up and completely exhausted. I figured as time passed I would move out of that phase- wrong. I continued to be sick with her up until the week she was born. I remember thinking “holy shit, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and still puking my brains out- wtf?!”.

I gained around 11 lbs very quickly because the only thing I could eat was carbs. Give me all the bagels! But then I started getting really nauseous and couldn’t eat anything so I lost 17 lbs. I remember her pregnancy being far worse for food aversions than Landons. I dry heaved a lot with Landon; Kenley was full on sickness in every way.

My pregnancy with Landon was very different than with Kenley. We lived in Dayton, away from both of our families with Landon. I worked full time while carrying him, actually up until 2 days before I had him. With K, I stayed home and took care of Landon. We live near Shane’s family now, and closer to my family as well. This pregnancy was different; it was supposed to be better.

This pregnancy was supposed to be it.

Shane took such good care of me during K’s pregnancy. He took Landon to do fun things, cleaned our house, cooked, did laundry and took care of my complaining ass. Things were so different for both of us this time around. Landon happened very quickly after we were married, and while Shane was still new at his job.

Kenley came after many months, much heart break, and strong desire for a sibling for Landon. It was just supposed to be so different, but not in the way that it was. Somedays I cannot believe this is our life. What happened?

When I’m anxious about something I find myself avoiding housework like the plague. I will wash laundry, fold it, sort it on my bed and leave it there all day. When it comes time for bed, I will put it all back into the laundry basket and set it on the floor. Repeat for like 3-5 days or until what I’m anxious about passes. Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Both weeks leading up to these “holidays”, zero clothes made it to dressers or hangers. ZERO.

Today was therapy again. I’ve told her about the housework avoidance + holiday anticipation thing. She told me to try and “cut back on unnecessary stress” …ummm…impossible? To avoid all things stressful, I would need a maid, and nanny. Oh and a chef.

All things cause stress now a days- maybe she failed to see that? I think it’s the nature of the beast that is child loss. I have random triggers. I cry at the most random times and for random reasons. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have them now. Sure, they will lessen or I will be able to handle them better, but they will always be here now.

What would really help right now is a vacation. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately and I need to get away. I want to take Shane, board a plane and lay on a beach for a few days. I want to feel normal for 5 fucking seconds. I want to enjoy being married to my husband for a few days like “before”. I obviously still enjoy being married to him VERY much (this has not changed), but we’re both sad. All the time- in our own way. We both need it, but it just seems unrealistic right now.

Going on vacation would be nice, but it feels like a band aid fix. Life before K felt like a vacation most of the time; it was so relaxing and enjoyable.

I will forever long for what we had in our “before”, including our beautiful baby girl.

Our first daughter.

5.V.cinco.cinq.

Posted by Randi

Last night at Landon’s T-ball game there was a stroller on the other teams side. I tried to avoid it like the plague. I mean, not even glancing in that direction. Well, that proved to be impossible; it was like a fucking magnet for my eyes. I couldn’t stop glancing over at it. Of course it would be a little girl. Of course she would be approximately 5-7 months old. Of course.

Kenley should be 5 months old today.

I heard that little girl cooing, making the typical baby noises and it cut me like a knife. I mean immediately made me feel hot, anxious and dizzy. Fucking anxiety. I eventually was able to focus on Landon’s game once the baby stopped making noise. The rest of the night I just felt down and out; completely hopeless about the future. Sometimes it hits me harder than others. I will think about the past, about what we have gone through already and where we are headed. It is all so heavy.

I shouldn’t be here; I shouldn’t be worried about anything but my two beautiful children. Instead, I’m here…in this weird place. The place that I now call home; my new life after the loss. I have no concept of time, and I don’t know that this will ever change. The past 5 months have been a blur, yet felt so slow. Every day that I wake up I realize what my new life is. I realize how truly sad I am. The medicine does a good job of taking off the edge, I won’t lie. But I miss her more than anything in the world. I never expected to feel the depths of a loss like this.

It’s dark in the “after” ; my heart and soul feel so empty, and completely…I don’t know. Alone? Sad? Hopeless? All of the above, I suppose. I recognize that there are better days now; the early days were terrible. Scary even. I have never felt that pain before, and now I carry that pain daily. The grief is a daily occurrence. The guilt is a daily occurrence. The sadness is a daily occurrence. Saying her name, without her being here, is a daily occurrence. It is a life sentence. It will never be the same; never like before.

I don’t want it to be like before. That means I would have never known her; never have loved her. If it was like before, I wouldn’t have held her, or known what her body felt like against mine. I wouldn’t know her beautiful face. I would have never traced her lips with my fingers, or ran my hands over her beautiful auburn hair. Never known how much she looked like her Big Brother.

My Sweet K. I wish I could have saved you.I would do anything to see you one more time. I would have given my life in a split second to give you life. I wanted nothing more than to be your Mommy. I wanted to love you forever, and I will…just not in the way I could have ever imagined.

Today is a hard day.

starting again.

Posted by Randi

When we first started trying for Kenley, I figured I’d get pregnant immediately. How wrong I was. Two and a half years, multiple medicated cycles and a few procedures later we were pregnant. Finally! I don’t think I’ve ever felt as happy as the moment I heard her heartbeat.

When we lost her, Shane and I were devastated. I knew in the back of my mind, behind all of the shock, that we would try again for another child. When you have a stillborn child, I think you go through about 1,000 emotions all at the same time. Very high highs, and the lowest of lows. This beautiful human being that you carried for the last X amount of time is coming into the world; not in the way you want, but still arriving.

All of the love and effort I put into making her was finally being realized. When they placed her into my arms it was the best and worst moment of my life. It will forever be that moment, I’m 100% sure of it. To finally see her beautiful hair, and to see if she matches her 3D ultrasound photos was the moment I had longed for the entirety of my pregnancy. I just wish I could have kept her.

As time is ticking on, we’ve decided to move forward with IVF. We have no insurance coverage for IVF, so we are taking on a loan to pay for this. In a dream world (ha!) this process will give us enough good quality embryos to freeze 2-3. I’m not sure what will happen, but if we get more than one, I’m pretty sure we’re going to have all of the babies. If I get 4, it looks like we’re having 4 more kids.

Losing Kenley made me realize just how much I want a big family. Sure, I’m probably not the best mom, and I’m sure I lose my cool more than I should…but I try. I make the effort- day after day. Every day I wake up, love on my child, feed him, get him ready for school, and the rest of the day goes the same way. I take care of Landon and help him learn. It’s the greatest feeling in the world; that is why I will be trying to complete our family with the embryos we are lucky enough to freeze (if any…).

Thinking about IVF is exciting. Terrifying. Amazing. The best and worst all in one. I few as if we are moving forward without Kenley. Leaving her behind; forgetting her. I know this isn’t true, as this future child will be her sibling, too. It’s just hard to think about. She should be 5 months old. Rolling around, enjoying bath time, growing up right before my eyes. But she’s not, and never will be. Shane and I know we want to give Landon (and Kenley) a sibling. Landon deserves it. Our family deserves it. I fucking deserve it.

I should be going in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work this week. I’m hoping everything looks phenomenal, and that possibly things have improved even slightly; anything to improve our chances. I’m doing everything in my power to help our chances, so here’s hoping it pays off.

I’m taking so many vitamins it’s ridiculous. 600 mg CoQ10 ubiquinol, 3,000 mg açai extract, 75 mg DHEA, 2,000 IU Vitamin D3, 500 mg Vitamin C, 400 mcg folic acid, and a prenatal. I am hoping that the full 4-5 months of these really helps our chances. If IVF fails for us, I will be crushed. I have confidence in my doctor, and his lab. But, confidence does shit for how the body actually responds to medication.

I’m hoping this week will provide us will good news, a new IVF calendar, and hope. The all consuming hope. Hope is a fucked up thing; it leads to false confidence in a way. Quite honestly, I don’t have it right now and probably won’t feel hopeful until the MFM takes my baby from me at 37 weeks to avoid letting me get to my loss milestone (for sanity reasons).

I don’t know how you’re expected to hold onto hope when you’ve lost a full term child, and you struggle with infertility.

There is no “hope” anymore.

It seems an impossible feat.

gloom.

Posted by Randi

The entire “Holiday” season last year was so weird and warm. When I had Kenley, it was in the 70s- it was December. Today it’s mid May, low 50s, and rainy. Days like today are hard. It reminds me of what I will never have with her.

She will never be here dressed in one of the super warm sleepers that I spent hours shopping for. She will never get to use the blanket her grandma crocheted for her. She will never roll around on one of the quilts her great grandmas made for her. I never have to worry about her being cold because I know that all she knew was the warmth I provided her for 38 weeks and 4 days. The only way I was able to keep my baby warm; the only way I will ever be able to provide for her.

When your child dies, in my case my daughter, you lose not only that child, but the future. You lose the first tooth, the first skinned knee or broken bone. You lose holidays, birthdays, first crushes and subsequently first broken hearts. You lose dress shopping for prom. You lose watching them fall in love and meeting the boy who is never good enough for your daughter. You lose the good choices and the mistakes. You lose engagment, dress shopping, and the wedding.

You just lose it all.

Life after loss is…Weird? Confusing? Awful and Beautiful all at the same time? Time seems to stand still, but then you realize in 3 days that your daughter will be dead for 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. Wait, what? I’m still grieving; I’m still living this fucked up nightmare. How is time continuing without me…without her? It is impossibly hard to watch the seasons change and realize that she will never hear the birds chirp, or feel the warmth of the sun on her face.

It’s even harder to realize that life has to go on. People move forward with their life and what has happened to us becomes a sad memory. I don’t expect people to keep Kenley front and center in their brain, not at all. I realize that I do. She is my all day every day. I can’t change that; I don’t want to change that. There are times where she isn’t the forefront of it all (thank you Landon), but she’s there.

She has become me. I am her. I’m living my life for my dead child. She has changed me and shaped me in ways that I never thought possible; ways I never wanted to imagine in my deepest darkest fears. She gave me stretch marks on my ass and a weird new freckle near my belly button; Physical reminders. When she died, part of me, part of my soul, went with her. I am forever changed because of her.

She made me the mother I am today; The grieving mother. The mother of a stillborn. The mother that often hears “I cannot imagine what you’re going through/how you’re feeling”–Please try to. The mother who is learning how to function again. The mother trying to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.

She made me realize how much I could truly love another child. I loved her in a way I never thought possible; not more than Landon- but differently.

I love her as my daughter.