Stillbirth

A friend from my support board sent this to me the other day. We had been discussing moving through grief. I’ve notice myself feeling in a bad fog on some days, and absolutely terrible on others lately. This picture just really hit home to me. I think I’m looking at my grief trying to find a way to “walk through it”, but in all reality I’m never going to be “through” my grief. Our daughter died. Landon’s sister died. There will always be a shadow of grief over me, over our little family.

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I can see myself in certain stages of grief. Sometimes I feel in the loneliness/isolation/depression area. I will want to be alone just to cry. Just to feel sad. It’s not like I’m wanting to be alone so that someone will say “oh, what’s wrong?” or give me pity, I literally just need to be alone. At that time I have zero desire to be around another human being. I’m beyond thankful Shane understands that.

Today Kenley has been gone for 19 weeks. It does not seem possible. How have that many weeks passed by without her here in our arms? She should be here in a baby swing while I’m struggling to get laundry done or something. I just can’t believe I will never have her. I will never hold her again. I will never get to kiss her sweet head again, or smell her baby smell.

I know it sounds so fucked up- like I only want her. Shane and I are planning to try for another baby, but that baby will never be Kenley. The baby will bring us happiness, and we will love that child more than our own lives…but it will not be Kenley. The harsh reality is that everything I did to prepare for Kenley is now for nothing. She didn’t get to use her bedroom, she will never use it. She won’t grow up here. She won’t beg me to paint her walls a different color “because pink is for little kids”, or ask me to buy her some outrageously expensive comforter that shows off her personality. I don’t get that with her, ever.

Instead, I wear a necklace to remember her. I wear a bracelet that says “mom of an angel”. I have the fox that she was cremated with tattooed on my arm. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around.

I’m extremely close with my Mom, and Sister; They are my best friends. We talk all day, every day. Growing up I just always thought being close to them was normal, but as I got older I realized that some people aren’t fortunate enough to have a great relationship with their mother/sisters. When I found out Kenley was a girl I was SO excited– This is it! I finally have her. My forever best friend. When I found out she died, I lost more than just my child. I lost an entire future filled with “my forever best friend”. I didn’t get to braid her hair, or paint her nails. Seeing Landon cuddle up with Shane, and seeing the look of pure joy in Shane’s eyes when that happens, makes my heart ache for her a little extra.

Life will continue to go on. The weeks keep passing, and I feel like nothing has changed…except everything has.

Yesterday was really hard. I knew it was going to be, but I think it was harder than I expected. It was only Landon and I until about 3 when Shane got home from work. He went against my wishes and bought me a card for our anniversary anyway (how dare him lol). I tried really hard to keep it together but the minute he walked in the door I realized how not ok I really was. He hugged and kissed me, and asked if I had been holding it in all day. Answer? Yup.

His card was so amazing; He always knows exactly what to say. The card really made me feel better. He spoke about Kenley and Landon, and about me being their Mother. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m so thankful for him, and how well he understands me. I never feel like I have to hide my feelings from him. I feel like he actually cares how I feel and what I have to say. He gets it. He (unfortunately) understands 100% how the loss is affecting our family. He’s living it too.

As we were going to bed last night, I checked my phone like I normally do. I had a text from a friend about her Mother and Kenley being together in Heaven. It said she thinks her mom is up there with my baby girl dressing her in cute outfits, and big giant sun hats. I’m not religious by any stretch of the imagination, but the thought of Kenley being with someone who would dress her up, and treat her how I would treat her was comforting. It made me happy and sad all at the same time. That’s how most things make me feel- Happy & Sad all at the same time. Shane hugged me and I just felt myself release all the stress of the day. I ugly cried for a few minutes while he rubbed my back.

I went for a walk with Wilbert (our dog) last night after dinner. I needed time alone. I didn’t think about anything really, but it was nice to be alone. I don’t know…Sometimes I just feel like I need a time out from my life. Everyones life is just going on normally, and it’s painful to see. Sometimes I’m fine with it, because what other choice do I have? Life is going to go on. Spring is here, things are blooming, the weather is changing, but I still feel like I’m stuck in that unseasonably warm December day. I’ll never forget it. It’s burned into my memory.

It was in the 70’s when we went to the hospital. Usually we couldn’t find a parking spot because they were doing construction. We found a perfect spot on that day, though. I feel so stupid looking back on it now. I should have known something was wrong. I am her mother. How did I not know? I shouldn’t have taken my time all day cleaning, just casually packing up her diaper bag, wasting time getting things together like I had all the time in the world. It’s part of the process, I know, but I feel so guilty about those things. I should have gone in sooner, maybe they would have seen something on the NST test. Maybe they could have saved her. Don’t worry- my rational brain knows these things aren’t true. My loss mom brain however…

I had a dream last night that I was helping a friend move. During the entire dream there was a woman chasing everyone that I knew, and she was shooting everyone. She literally killed like 10 people I knew. She would shoot them through windows while they were watching tv, while they were driving, or at the grocery store. It was just so weird. I remember she chased me and found me in my house hiding below a window and she walked up to me with her gun pointed at my head. That’s all I remember. Dreams are so weird.

Today was Landon’s picture day at school. I completely forgot. Not a good way to start the day. Lately, I feel like the worst mom to him. I’m trying kid, I promise.