Thinking about IVF excites me, don’t get me wrong. The fact that I’m even financially able to consider it makes me feel so fortunate. My husband works very hard to make our dreams a reality. He gives me everything I could ever want. He’s deals with my mood swings, and all the doctors appointments. I’m so thankful for him. 

When we found out Kenley was a girl, I couldn’t wait to decorate her nursery; my daughters room. I thought about hot air balloons, woodland creatures, you name it- I thought about it. Ultimately I decided to do whatever felt right. I found a yellow chevron rug that I fell in love with, and a teal and white striped light fixture for her room. Those are the first two things I knew I had to have for her nursery; the basis for her room design. 

I ordered her name banner from Egypt. It is stuffed letters in all different fabric and it hangs above her crib. Her bed sheets and curtains were custom made from someone in Canada from the fabric I hand chose for her. I bought her a vintage dresser, refinished & painted it coral to match her room. I found her a Jenny Lind table from Target, and Shane picked out her lamp. 

I had a friend custom make a print for her room. It was supposed to look like an old wooden sign with arrows pointing to different directions. The only difference is that it pointed to places in Harry Potter. She had a print of three water color painted pink hearts, and a pretty cool looking fox print. My amazing friend from TCF sent me my favorite hot air balloon print off of etsy; It was the first thing we hung in her room. 

Everything was perfect for her. I had diapers and wipes; enough for the first six months of her life. Bibs, lotion,  baby swing, rock n play (from a TCF friend) , exersaucer (from another TCF friend), I brought Landons wipe warmer & diaper genie upstairs and put them in her room. Everything was ready and waiting for her. Everything will always be ready and waiting for her; for someone who will never come. 

I spent so much time in her room planning the things I would do with her. Every night I looked forward to getting Landon in the tub so I could leave his door open, sit in her glider and talk to her. We would talk about what we did that day, or I would read the news while rubbing my belly. Sometimes we would call my mom and talk on the phone. 

Mostly  I would rock her and rub my belly. It was my time with her, in her room; the only time I will ever spend with her there, unfortunately. 

So when I think about IVF, and the possibility of another child, all of that stuff races through my mind. I will have to be invested in another child’s nursery and I’m afraid I never will feel that again. I’m scared that I will fall in love with another child and lose that child as well. 

Sometimes, now,  I even have a fear of losing Landon. What if something happens to him, too? What would I do? 

When Shane and I told Landon that we are going to try for another baby he made a really weird face. I had to remind him that what happened to Kenley will not (hopefully) ever happen to another baby of ours. That what happened to Kenley was an accident; That hopefully no other baby in our family will die. 

That is not something you should have to even mention to your children when thinking about having a baby. Poor Landon. I feel so terrible for him. He wanted her so incredibly bad. 

We all did. We all do. 

One thought on “her. 

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