I’m currently sick. Being sick reminds me of the early days after we lost K. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s the physical pain and the feeling like crap. Maybe it’s the fact that I laid in bed all afternoon yesterday, drifting in and out of sleep so the day felt like a dream which reminded me of our hospital stay. 

While we were still in the hospital, Shane had to help me shower. I felt like I couldn’t function; I was so incredibly sad that I couldn’t physically take care of myself. When we left the hospital and came home, this was still the case for a while. The immense sadness was all I could handle; I couldn’t be bothered with eating or showering. Those things were too much to handle. 

Still sometimes I find myself struggling with the “every day” tasks. I’ve written about how laundry is such a heavy task for me when I’m feeling stressed. Ha, who am I kidding; it’s always a heavy task now because I’m a different the “after”.  

In the “after”, my mind is constantly thinking and roaming. If I do laundry, I have time to think. If I do the dishes all I can think about is that day. I was doing a ton of dishes and listening to my boys night out Pandora radio station pretty loudly the day we went to the hospital. 

Shane walked in from work, and thrice was playing. I was at the sink with my big belly keeping me at a distance. We sat down and ate lunch, and watched survivorman. We did normal things and then finally decided we should go in. 

Why did I wait? Why didn’t I go in immediately after I dropped Landon off at my mother in laws. She could have been saved. 

These are the things that run through my mind when I do “normal” things. When I shower I have to turn on Pandora comedy radio so I can not think. It’s just too hard. 

Every day life and its tasks make me feel like I’m running an emotional marathon. 

And I’m way fuckin out of shape

2 thoughts on “sickness. 

  1. Oh, honey. You did everything you possibly could for K. I know you can tell your rational brain this, but then the “what if” brain takes over. I hate the “what if” brain. Sending so much love your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was ironing right before I left for my “last” doctors appointment with Meredith. Thinking about getting that ironing board out makes me feel so sick. I can relate to the feelings of thinking to myself…why was I ironing, why wasn’t I worried and how didn’t I know…those feelings will always haunt me I think.

    Liked by 1 person

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