This weekend I came up to my Mom’s. I didn’t want to spend another weekend alone while Shane works. He’s home in the mornings Friday and Saturday, but leaves in the early morning on Sunday. It makes for a really long weekend with just Landon and I sometimes. 

I don’t mean to sound as if I’m complaining, because trust me, I’m not. I love Landon, and I enjoy his company so incredibly much. He’s hilarious, and smart. We played board games, and card games . 

But sometimes it’s kind of like how a fellow baby loss friend of mine mentioned on her blog: 

Let’s say everyone has $10 in emotional currency (emotional energy) to spend each day. This $10 is spent on your work stress, relationships, every day life, and all the big and little things in life that cause you happiness, sadness, anger, and every other emotion.

But mourning takes $8 right off the bat. $8 of your available emotional currency goes to grief, leaving you just $2 to spend on every day life. You have $2 to spend on that which most people have $10 to spend on.

Because so much of your emotional energy is going toward the grief (even though you may not be actively grieving), you often forget things you normally wouldn’t. People’s name, important dates, what day of the week it is, even more important things you thought you would never forget. It’s also why you may sleep more than usual–stress and grief is exhausting not just emotionally, but physically.

It is hard every day to grieve Kenley, and properly parent my living child. I grieve her differently each day; somedays are harder than others. I love Landon so much, and I am trying. I really am. But, somedays it feels like my days are actually 72 hrs long. Landon is out of school now and will go into Kindergarten around August 18th. 

I wonder if he notices a change in my parenting? Does he feel neglected or, bored because I can’t give him all of me all of the time? I don’t know. All I know is that it is so hard to be 100% present when I feel like a broken hearted zombie 90% of the time. And I’m doing the best that I can on any given day. 

I have no energy and everything feels twice as difficult a task to complete as it should. 

I hope some day Landon sees how much we love him, and understands the lengths we are going to give him a living sibling. Just typing that out makes me so angry- “living sibling”. 

He shouldn’t have a fucking dead sibling in the first place.