Oh my sweet K…This is so true. As it’s becoming summer I’m starting to see all the things I dreamed of us doing together. Playing in a baby pool with your older brother. Swinging on grandma’s patio swing and just holding you-smelling your hair. I’d get that feeling in my throat; the feeling I got when I inhaled your brothers baby smell after he was born. It burned my throat and made my chest pound with the fiercest love I have ever felt.
So many things I wanted to do with you and I never will.
This summer will be hard. Last 4th of July I was carrying you, and was given a dress for you to wear this July 4th. How sad is it that you will never wear it? You won’t ever see the fireworks; it’s my favorite thing, sweet girl. They light up the sky and make your chest shake. I was planning to watch them with you, although you would probably be asleep in my arms. Maybe your daddy and brother would have gone and we would have stayed home, together.
I’m so sad that we can’t be together. I wanted to be your mommy so badly. I would have been the best mommy to you, K. I would have let you be you; I know how important that is for a child.
There is nothing I wouldn’t give to be with you one more time. To hold you one more time. To see your sweet face again.
I wish so badly I could have felt your heart beating against my chest.
It’s so crazy to me to think that that is the one thing I want more than anything, and I can’t have it. Ever.
One day, my daughter. One day.
Mommy loves you, sweet baby girl.