Tomorrow, if everything looks good at my scan, I will be a week away from my Transfer.

A week.

7 days.

I will hopefully be carrying our next child, soon. I don’t even know what to call this child. Kenley was my rainbow, yet…she wasn’t.

If anyone knows the answer to this, I would love to hear it. I suppose this next child would be my rainbow…but what would this make Kenley. Life is weird.

The RE has my beta set for 8 days after our transfer. I’m almost 100% positive that I will not be able to wait that long to find out if it worked or not. On the other hand, I don’t want to test early and get a false negative. There’s just so much to think about, but in all reality I should just calm the hell down and wait for my beta.

I don’t think I can wait though. Dr.Google has shown me that a bunch of ladies have gotten + tests as soon as 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I don’t know how I can rationalize not testing early.

I really want to talk to a loss mom who is a few months ahead of me. I want to pick their brain, ask them a few questions. How did you control your stress? How did you not worry every second of every day? How do you make yourself feel that you are worthy of this pregnancy? Did you have issues connecting to this new pregnancy?

Just a few things I think about whenever I think about becoming pregnant again.

I did feel something like excitement today when thinking about another child…so there’s that.

3 thoughts on “next.

  1. Sending you well wishes for your transfer. I’m sure it’s surreal to imagine that if all goes well, you’ll be pregnant again shortly.

    I had those questions too. Some days the stress feels manageable. Some days it overwhelms me. It was all fairly manageable for me until week 28… Since then all bets have been off… It helps me to go to the doctor like 3 times a week for some combo of office visits, ultrasounds, and NSTs. It helps to know I can go to the hospital anytime. It helps to count kicks with my app to know when I felt the last one. I worry a TON, but not every second of every day. There are times when my hope outweighs my fear or baby cooperates, moves enough to assure me he’s okay.

    Should you find yourself pregnant, I can assure you that you are worthy – the most worthy person in the world, and don’t tell yourself otherwise. You’ve been through hell. Your love for Kenley is evident and will never go away. And you deserve anything good that comes your way for the rest of your life.

    For 14 weeks I hardly thought about being pregnant. I have yet to take a bump picture or purchase anything specifically for this baby. Some may view this as a connection issue, but I know how much I love this baby and that I’m connecting in my heart. I think no matter how much you try to protect your heart in a rainbow pregnancy, you will connect. So try not to overanalyze it. The connection will absolutely come – it just may feel differently than in pregnancies past, which is 100% okay.

    I’m not to the end yet. 3 weeks, and the stress is pretty high, so I hope it was okay I answered some of your questions, but these have been my experiences (abbreviated) throughout my pregnancy thus far.


    Liked by 2 people

    • This is why I said I loved you, lady! Thank you thank you thank you!!! I appreciate all of your insight. I know that I won’t truly be able to know how I’ll feel until it happens, but just hearing your thoughts and experiences has helped me a lot. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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