grief.

Posted by Randi

Today marks 38 weeks since Kenley left us. I miss you more than ever, sweet girl.

ghost.

Posted by Randi

I became everything and all at once I was nothing
I couldn’t take anymore
Could I hold it in my hands?
I can taste it on my tongue
But I couldn’t keep it all in my grasp
Too many times I was collapsing
I could only get so far
Who am I to expect anything?
If you never make another sound
How can I hope to ever find you now?
If I’m gone before I hit the ground
How can I hope to be where you are?

When you’re caught inside when the world just passes
It takes too long to slow down
You’re barely alive
I used to be you and I can’t go back
Now I’m a ghost of what I once was
Now I’m a ghost of what I once was

So I began to hate everything
All at once I was running
But I couldn’t fake it anymore
Could you feel me screaming out?
Were you trying to shake me out of my sleep?
And if you never make another sound
How can I hope to ever find you now?
And if I’m gone before I hit the ground
How can I hope to be where you are?

I could always tell you were getting away from me
But how could I let you see?
It’s so hard to love anything
Now I’m a ghost of what I once was
Now I’m a ghost of what I once was

Now I’m a ghost of what I once was
Now I’m a ghost

birthday.

Posted by Randi

Today is a little different.

Today is my amazing husbands 31st birthday.

I don’t think that there are words to express the level of love that I feel for him. Since 2004 he has been taking care of me. I was reading a letter I wrote him in June ’04 and it said: “when you tell me I’m beautiful, I believe you”. Shane gave me confidence in myself that I never knew I could have. Sure, I’m not the prettiest person in the world, the skinniest person, the most patient person, or the “coolest” but he doesn’t care. He loves me for everything I am on the inside. He has shown me what true love is. He is the best father to all of our children. The way he looks at Landon can melt my heart. He tries to get Landon interested in everything, and keeps trying even though Landon can be a turd.

He takes care of us.

He provides for us.

He gives us anything we could ever want or need.

He is my heart and soul.

I am so thankful for you Shane. I know you don’t read this, but I think you deserve recognition for all that you do for us, for me. You are the greatest man I have ever known, and I’m so thankful every single day for you.

Landon, Kenley, and this new little girl are lucky to have you as their Father…

And I am so lucky to be your wife. I love you.

halloween.

Posted by Randi

Today was rough. Shane is home from his work trip, which is amazing. But, Landon thought it was a good idea to wake up at 6:03- he was very wrong.

Then, we went to Homegoods to shop for our new fall decor (we do this every year), and I couldn’t help but be sad. Last year on our trip Shane found a lamp he loved and we bought it for Kenley’s room. It still sits in there, only having been turned on once.

This year I wanted her to be there.

Then, we went to a Halloween store…

SO. DIFFICULT.

My sweet girl should be here. I should be dressing her up as something ridiculously cute and carrying her around while Landon trick or treats. It’s not fair.

And of course there was a little girl there walking around with her parents and trying on cute costumes.

She took a liking to Landon so she was everywhere I turned.

I eventually broke down once we got home. It was just incredibly difficult. It will always be difficult. No matter how many years go by, my family will always be missing one person. My beautiful first born daughter. My sweet K.

Thank god today is over.

honor.

Posted by Randi

Somedays I wake up and I don’t get regular clothes on (I must not tell lies). I smack on the yoga pants, a t-shirt and call it a day. Those days I don’t usually put on my Kenley necklace. Somedays it doesn’t even phase me, but some days it really bugs me. Some days I feel like if I don’t wear that necklace, I am not honoring my girl. It’s like I feel as if I’m “forgetting” her if I don’t wear it. I know that’s stupid, and I know that wearing my necklace here in my house isn’t making me any closer to Kenley. I can’t get any closer to her- I’m her mother. I am the one who loves her more than anything in this world.

Sometimes I feel like, as a loss mom, I look for ways to honor my daughter that are above and beyond. Like, somehow if I take my love for her above and beyond, she will be able to feel that extra love. I know it’s not true, I know that she knows I love her, and that I would do anything in my power to have her here if it was possible. It’s just another way that losing a child fucks your brain up. It sucks. It’s sad. It hurts. It’s depressing knowing that no matter what I do to honor my girl, it’s just not going to matter when it comes to saving her.

I couldn’t save her.

Maybe honoring her by wearing her necklace, taking care of her tree, making things for other loss moms, makes me feel closer to her. Maybe it makes me feel like I’m caring for her, even though she is not here. I’m not sure what it is exactly. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

There are other things that I do now that I need to do every day because I feel like if I stop, it’s one more step away from my girl. Now that we have our hope chest I know that I should take small steps to start putting things in there. I have a shoe box of random things from our bedroom that are related to her, and it’s sitting on my dresser. I think the first step in this whole “hope chest” thing will be putting that shoe box in there.

I don’t know if you’re like me, but when I clean something up I always end up getting sucked into it and looking at it again. Usually tying to clean one thing quickly takes a full day and will get me so off track. I know the second I step into her room and start to unpack that diaper bag, I’m going to fall apart into a million pieces. I haven’t looked at her blanket from the hospital, or the hat. I haven’t re-read her 25% finished baby book that will never be 100% finished. There are so many things that I want to look at, but know that I am not strong enough for yet.

Next Tuesday is 38 weeks. Next Saturday is 38+4, the length of time I carried her. Sunday she will be gone longer than she was alive, and that’s a real gigantic mind fuck.

Maybe next week I will find the strength to go in her room. I don’t know. Maybe not.

Probably not.

sigh.

Posted by Randi

I thought I had a good topic to write about tonight, but… what it all boils down to is I really miss my daughter. I miss you, Kenley. I miss you with every breath that I take. I miss you when I wake up, and when I fall asleep. I miss you when I think about what you should be doing. I miss you when I remind myself that you will never be here.

I just miss you.

Mommy loves you, sweet girl.

dentist.

Posted by Randi

Today I had a cleaning at the Dentist. I knew that I would have to update my paperwork, and inevitably this means updating medication, and pregnancy information. They only had me fill out 5 update questions, and the last one was “pregnancy- yes or no”? So I checked yes, and handed it back to the front desk lady. She proceeded to read over my 5 questions, and when she hit the bottom one she looked up at me with pure excitement and exclaimed ” OH! CONGRATULATIONS! When are you due?!”.

It took everything (EVERY. THING.) I had inside of me to smile and tell her 4/5/17.

When I got back to the exam room, the hygienist went over my paper work…again…and she did the same thing. “SQUEEE!!! WHEN ARE YOU DUE! CONGRATS!”… Again, I answered and smiled.

giphy

She proceeded to talk to me and asked about my children, which I knew was coming obviously. I answered her, and told her about Kenley. I talked about Kenley like she deserves to be talked about. I spoke of her, and Landon, and the new baby.

My gums were super sore during the cleaning (thanks pregnancy hormones…), but it was finally over. She told me to sit tight and the Dentist would be in to talk to me. Well, during the 5 second wait, a new hygienist (who I hadn’t seen at all) came in and read my chart AGAIN.

I bet you can’t guess what happened.

Then she starts talking to me about a procedure that will cost like $500-1,000 and isn’t covered by insurance (assuming she was just making convo) and said I should totally have it done. And…that’s when I couldn’t take it anymore. She had squee’d FAR too much for me. So, I straight up told her ” I would love to have that done, but I just simply cannot afford it. We did IVF this summer and now I’m nearly $23,000 in debt. I just don’t have the money, but thanks for the offer”.

She gasped at the cost (YEP. ME TOO, LADY, EVERY TIME I PAY THE BILL) and told me how sorry she was that Kenley died and we had to do IVF etc etc.

Then it came time to schedule my next cleaning, in 6 months…

Right when this baby will be due.

I had to tell them I would call them to set it up, and I pretty much ran out of the office holding back tears.

I’m sorry hygienist lady, I cannot guarantee that I will be able to “bring that cute baby in for all of you to see!” because I can’t guarantee that she will fucking live.

IT HAPPENS. BABIES DIE.

So please for the love of god, just stop talking to me about it, and let me leave your office with my new toothbrush and sample toothpaste. PLEASE.

busy.

Posted by Randi

I am so freakin tired. I’m tired physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so tired of pretty much everything.

This past weekend was my little Sister’s Bridal Shower. I had to go up to my hometown for it, and I just spent the entire weekend running around trying to get everything finished up. The shower went well, and I think she really enjoyed it so yay.

I never sleep well at my Mom’s house; I don’t know if it’s the bed, or the fact that it’s just not my house, or what. Needless to say I slept like a rock last night, and definitely didn’t want to get up this morning. I had to actually wake Landon up, which never happens.

This week is going to be a struggle for me. I just know it. I’m really hoping that Friday comes ASAP.

I don’t have any appointments this week to see little miss moving and grooving, but I do have my NT scan next Thursday. I’m sure it will be a decently long scan, so I’m excited to have it done.

I cannot believe we are already almost 11 weeks. On Wednesday, I will have 26-ish weeks left. On one hand it feels like such a short period of time, but on the other hand to a loss mom…

It’s 26 more weeks of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 26 more weeks of expecting to see blood every time you pee. 26 more weeks of dreading each doctors appointment because you just know something is going to be wrong. 26 more weeks of straight fear.

I could get my doppler out, but that means going in Kenley’s room (the Nursery? the new baby’s room? The girls’ room? I shouldn’t have to worry about this…). It means bringing myself back to the days of using it with her. Brings me back to the day before she died, with her beautiful strong heart beating away for me to record on my phone one last time. I will never forget that I sent it to Shane, and he replied something along the lines of “So strong! Can’t wait to meet our girl!”…

And the next day she died.

I will never understand. a24e4ee918c1ac347a4e8291df26f7c6