yeah…still hatin’ on Xmas. 

Today is Tuesday. I’ve lost count of how many weeks you’ve been gone. The only thing I know is you’ve been gone longer than I kept you alive, and that stings. It stings bad. I don’t know why or how I failed you, or why my body decided to fail you. I don’t know why you can’t be here with me…almost 10 months old. I will never know why these things happened. I will never know why I don’t get the chance to know you as my daughter. 

Tuesday’s are our family night. We go to dinner, and hit toys r us, sometimes we get ice cream too. Tonight we went to Granville. I love Granville for its charm, and I used to be obsessed with it during Christmas time. This year? This year I’m pretty sure we won’t go there during the Holidays. I’m planning to boycott Granville trips this winter. 

After dinner at a tiny (like 13 tables tiny) Mexican restaurant, we got Whits Frozen Custard and then went to Toys r Us. 

Terrible idea. 

BAM! Christmas ornaments right when you walk in.

 UM. HELLO. IT’S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN, OR THANKSGIVING…LET ALONE CHRISTMAS. So, please kindly fuck off with all that crap. At the end of each aisle? Bins of Christmas wrapping paper. Like…I get it. Christmas WILL happen this year, I can’t just stop it from happening (no matter how hard I try, I’m sure). I just really don’t want it to happen. 

Thinking about the Holidays makes me want to cry, scream, hibernate, or break things (like glass, or really expensive dishes- something that will make a huge mess and be loud). Thinking that I have to act happy for the Holidays this year…I just can’t. I can’t do that. I SHOULD be planning a 1st birthday, but instead I’ll be crying into my Turkey at Thanksgiving and wanting to curl up into a ball and die on Christmas. 


Halloween->Thanksgiving->Christmas->The worst day of my life->(NYE) coming home to an empty nursery with empty arms. 

The Holidays can suck it this year. 

2 thoughts on “yeah…still hatin’ on Xmas. 

  1. Hugs. I can’t believe they are putting Christmas decorations up already too. Annoying before Theo, but now a giant stab in the heart every time I go into a store.

    We went to Costco over the weekend and it was like Christmas threw up in the store, and I know it’s only going to get worse. I think Kenny will be making the Costco runs by himself now.

    We’re skipping Thanksgiving, but will be “celebrating” Christmas. I can’t deal with all of the holidays this year, so we decided to completely ignore Thanksgiving. And that’s when Theo was due anyway (well, day after Thanksgiving, but it’s pretty much the same).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. God, I remember going to Michael’s in July to get items to decorate Cora’s grave (which is just so unbelieveble to do and then to actually type out..b/c this is our life. ugh) and had a panic attack b/c there were fall decorations. Christmas is a whole other ball game, and all of ours should be looking so much britghter than they are. I agree that the holidays can suck a big fat one this year! HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

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