My Sweet Kenley,

Today you should be 10 months old. You should be here, wearing an adorable Halloween costume. I should have been carrying you in my arms when we went trick or treating Thursday. I’m so sorry you didn’t get to celebrate with us; I’m so sorry you will never be able to celebrate with us. I dressed up as a Fox this year. I needed you with me; I couldn’t do it without you. I couldn’t go walking around, seeing all kinds of babies dressed up as cute little lady bugs, or skunks without you there with me.

As the holidays get closer, my heart aches harder for you. I know that last year on the day after Halloween I turned on Christmas music. I listened to Christmas music every day. You loved it, and would dance around. I’m not sure if I will be able to listen to it anymore. I don’t want to be sad when I think about sharing the holiday season with you safely inside of me. I want to be happy, and excited to have spent any time with you at all.

But my heart hurts. 

And I’m tired…so tired.

Every single fiber of my soul misses you.

I wish so badly that I could have saved you, baby girl. I wish you were here. I know that I say it over and over, but there is no other way to express it.

I would give anything to have you in our lives, for you to be here with me, to watch you grow and walk and coo and drool. I would give my life for these moments with you, my love.

Mommy misses you sweet girl. I miss you more than there are stars in the sky.

I love you.

Forever and Always-

Mommy