Jesus I can’t even write the title of the post without getting tears in my eyes! I don’t know why, but it breaks my heart.
Landon came home yesterday with a form for Grandparent’s Day happening November 22nd at his school. I knew about it through another little note sent home, but I guess just getting the form hit me hard. Kenley will never have the opportunity to go to Grandparent’s day. Ever. No matter what, it will not happen…because she died. I immediately started crying when I was reading the form yesterday– I couldn’t help it.
Maybe it’s the fact that now Landon is in school there is always something to “look forward to”? There is constantly something in the future that makes me feel like we are counting down the days until we get there. Not like we need any help, especially now with the Holiday’s approaching like wild fucking fire.
During the first part of the year, there were normal milestones to look forward to, like when he would start kindergarten, things like that. But now that he is in school it’s different; Thanksgiving is like 5 seconds away. His class is having a Christmas party and I can’t even begin to imagine going. I know he really doesn’t care if I’m there or not, because it’s just a fun thing at his school, but fuck. It hurts me to know that I don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be there because quite honestly I HATE the thought of Christmas this year. I don’t want it to happen. I do not want to do ANYTHING, and be Scrooge this year.
Maybe I’m just getting little more hormonal or something the past few days, but the tears are just coming from no where (false- I know from where).
My sister is talking about a baby shower for baby A. We talked about it this morning, and I realized I don’t need anything…obviously. Kenley had everything. She didn’t get a baby shower, and that hurts me. It cuts me like a knife straight to the heart. I didn’t think we needed to throw her one because I had already purchased her what she would or could ever need. So, when I think about having a baby shower for this baby I feel guilt and sadness. I don’t WANT to feel that way, it just is what it is. I told my sister that she might be the one registering for the 3 things I do need.
I’ve been trying to open my mind to the Nursery more lately. I know that I technically don’t have to do anything to it anytime soon, and the thought has crossed my mind MANY times. My sister offered for her and my family to take over the Nursery and take care of it for us. I appreciate it so much, and I know that they would do such a wonderful job, but my control freak kicked in. Maybe it wasn’t the control freak as much as the mother in me? Maybe deep down I DO want to do the Nursery, it’s just going to be extremely hard. I feel like I need everyone who ever has supported me to stand in the hallway while I go in and redecorate.
I know that when the walls get repainted, and I walk in for the first time, I’m probably going to fall to my knees and sob.
I’m so angry at the way things happened.
Baby A, you are so, so wanted. You’re a mover and a groover. You love Lord Huron and Gregory Alan Isakov; You’re moving to this right now. I’m trying, little miss. I swear to you. I’m trying for you, and for your older sister. I cannot wait to meet you. I hope we get to meet while you’re screaming and crying. I love you.
Also, a small update on the bags. I have found a candle maker who is going to work with us! Check them out, I cannot wait! I think that we are going with this candle.