**trigger warning**

Today was our scan. Baby A didn’t cooperate very well, so we will need to go back in 2 weeks for a repeat scan. They were able to get most of everything they needed, but they wanted better pictures of her face, hands, and additional pictures of her heart (even though they verified she has all 4 chambers, the ultrasound tech just wanted a clearer photo).

We found out that she is in the 54th percentile for growth. We got to see her moving around a little bit and just ultimately spent about an hour looking at her on the screen. When we were done, we met with Dr.F and discussed how everything looked, and our future plans with this pregnancy. I also had asked her to review Kenley’s autopsy report. When we first heard back, I was SO fresh in my grief that I can’t even tell you what the first doctor told us. The MFM told us something different from the first OB, and I thought it was a good idea to see what Dr.F said about it all.

She told us that we were given wrong information initially, and told us that she 100% believes that Kenley died of a blood clot to one of her umbilical arteries. She said this is extremely rare– 1:10,000. I feel comforted knowing that we have a solid answer, but I also feel the same in a sense?  I assume that will always be there; what if I went earlier, what if I had an NST, could someone have given me an emergency C-section, etc etc. I will always think there was something else that could have been done; I am her mother and I couldn’t save her.

As we talked with Dr.F she assured me that this is not going to happen in this pregnancy (I truly hope that my odds aren’t that fucked up that it could happen again…but…), and believes this is a completely freak thing that happened;  a combination of Kenley’s hyper-coiled umbilical cord and the blood clot forming. She did however talk with me about clotting issues. She saw that we had a battery of tests ran at our initial OB visit (Lupas Anticoagulant, Anti Phospholipid Antibody, Beta 2 Glycoprotein) but told us that there are a few other tests that usually aren’t done on people unless there is a placental issue, and she thinks that this was enough of one to warrant the tests being done.

She also told me that she didn’t really want to run this test because it’s in the realm of “having too much information” i.e.- if it comes back positive, it could be a false positive, then we take the baby early, and the baby doesn’t survive because it was taken early when nothing was truly wrong. I understand what she’s saying, but I would rather have ALL the information. Ultimately she agreed and sent me down to the lab. She didn’t mention the names, but it was 6 vials.

Once again, the visit to the MFM proved tiresome and stressful but informative. I am in love with Dr.F and the way she handles our care. She spent time talking to us about so much related to baby A, and Kenley. When I cry, she gets teary eyed. I just shows me that she is human…and I really need a doctor who actually gets it.