You know what sucks? When your 5 year old gets pink eye. 

You know what sucks even more? When he gives it to you…in both eyes. 

So for Thanksgiving I had pneumonia, and apparently for Christmas I’ll be celebrating with pink eye! 

What. The. Hell. 

It just goes to show you that 2016 is just an awful awful year, and needs to kindly fuck off outta here. I know many people had a great year, but I know many women and men who had a shit-tacular year. We can’t wait to say bye to this year. 

This year has been filled with more emotions than I care to feel, and they’ve been felt on a nearly daily basis. DAILY. Everyday I wake up with the same sadness and every night when my head hits the pillow, I’m constantly reminded of the events of December 29th 2015. 

Unfortunately there is no heartbeat. 

There are nights I can shut it down, but most nights I lay there hoping my mind just shuts down on its own in “protection mode”. Most nights I ask Shane to hold me until I fall asleep. When he falls asleep before me, it’s ok because his breathing calms me down and I can fall asleep to it. But on nights that he’s super tired, crawls into bed, and passes right out, I have a bad night. I can’t expect Shane to hold me every night, but I know he would (and does) if I asked him. 

As our Christmas countdown chain keeps losing its links, my anxiety keeps creeping up. Every morning when Landon tells me how many days are left, and we take the link off, I just shudder. It’s a few days away now…which means that Kenley’s first birthday is a few days away. 

My gone too soon daughters first birthday. 

Gone. 

She will never celebrate a birthday, and I’m so scared she will be forgotten. 

I feel like she’s already being forgotten. I will never forget her, but I just worry she will slip by the wayside as years go by. 

I just want my baby girl in my arms. I miss you. I love you. I love you so much, and I cannot wait until the day I get to see your sweet face again, and kiss your soft cheeks. 

I can’t wait until the day I can hold you in my arms again. 

Mommy loves you more than there are words, sweet girl.