Last night before bed my back started to hurt, and I felt like I couldn’t take a deep breath. It’s not unusual for me to not be able to take a deep breath cus, well, all of my space is taken up. Breathing is not a fun activity these days. I went to bed with some back pain but didn’t think anything about it. I also felt really tired, but again, that’s normal these days. When I woke up this morning, my back still hurt; I couldn’t bend over without being in pain. Shane helped me by getting Landon ready for school this morning. When he was off to school, I went back to bed. I ended up sleeping until 11:30.

When I woke up, I was waiting to feel Alden move and I didn’t feel it. I kept waiting, and waiting…But I didn’t feel anything. I turned from side to side while laying in bed, expecting her to kick me hard like she usually does but nada.
I drank a sprite. Nothing.

I ate some food. Nothing.

I took a shower. Nope.

I ate some candy. Nothing.

I had her HB on my doppler which didn’t really calm me down, and she had the hiccups twice which also didn’t do much for my anxiety.

So, we decided that it was best for us to go to Labor and Delivery. I really really really didn’t want to go, but, I know that it’s better to be safe than sorry or whatever. I knew the PTSD was going to be full blown today, and I just really didn’t want to feel all that. We got there, and went back to a triage room.

They told me to give a urine sample and leave it in the bathroom …PTSD SOOOOOO much PTSD. I remember walking into L&D with Kenley, and giving a sample, and just feeling so naive to anything being wrong. Like, I think I made a joke about how bad I had to pee. But, it was like the clearest memory of the entire night when we found out she died. I left my sample in the bathroom that was in my personal room, and climbed into the bed. The nurse came in, talked to us about why we were there, and hooked us up to the monitor. We found her HB right away, thank god, but she wasn’t moving. Her heart rate was up in the 160’s and the OB resident wanted to see it a little lower so we kept monitoring her for about an hour.

The OB resident was so freaking sweet. She came in and discussed my history with us. She brought up Landon’s birth, and asked how we lost our second child. She offered her condolences about Kenley and she let me talk about her for a few minutes. It always feel good when someone cares about our story. She told us that Alden was showing good signs of accelerations, but she wasn’t moving as much as she liked so we were going to keep watching her for a while longer. After about 30 more minutes she came back in and told us that she was going to get the ultrasound machine (cue super PTSD- This is where I saw my sweet Kenley, lifeless, on screen. A mobile ultrasound machine is what confirmed my worst fears) and was going to make sure that they could see physical movement on the screen. I started to cry. She told me that she wanted to do everything possible to make me feel comfortable because of our history. I felt like she actually cared, and I jokingly told her to let me stay there for the next 5 weeks.

Once she brought the machine in, we were able to see Alden moving and squirming around. I don’t know if she had just changed positions again, and I’m just not able to feel them as much or what, but ugh. She showed us Alden’s stomach and told us that it was “black and fluttering” which meant that she was practicing breathing (a good thing), and that if she was in any kind of distress that this would be the first thing that would stop. Because she was breathing, having lots of movements, and her heart rate had dropped back down into the 130/140s, they said they felt comfortable sending us home. The resident said that there was no reason why she felt that our baby was in distress, and that we should feel confident in her health.

I cried a few more times, and thanked her for taking so much time with us to show us all these things even though we just had an NST yesterday.

Pregnancy after loss is a mind fuck.

Pregnancy after a full term stillborn child is a whole different kind of evil.



8 thoughts on “l&d

    • Thank you, momma! I appreciate the love so much. And yes, how are you NOT supposed to worry. It’s awful. I keep telling myself that we are so close, but it’s so hard because we were 7 days away from delivery when Kenley died. It’s like nothing brings comfort. Ugh!


  1. Hey Randi, hang in there, you are doing great. As you know I’m about a week ahead of you and I’ve been to L&D five times since week 28 — including as recently as last night at 11:30 p.m.. It gets a little easier/less traumatic each time. And you feel so much safer knowing you are in the right spot if anything is wrong. Go as often as you need for that reassurance – even if you just went in the day before. This takes a lot of endurance and it’s like a marathon, but just take it one day at a time. We will make it there one way or another. Hang in there, thinking of you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m so thankful for women who get it! I hate why you do, but I am so reassured by your comment. When is your due date exactly? I have a feeling I will be there a few more times- as silly as it sounds because I’m getting 2 NSTs a week- but still. ((Hugs)) I’m sorry you were just there last night! I’m hoping everything was ok??

      Liked by 1 person

      • So, I had two rounds of steroid shots to help with lung maturity should we need to deliver before 37 weeks (haven’t scheduled it yet, but hoping for an induction sometime around March 9). One of the possible side effects of the steroid is decreased fetal movement and sure enough right after I had the second shot yesterday, his movements dropped way off. He did great on his NST and BPP last night and movements seem to be picking up today, but it’s still not back to normal. It could take 3 days for the side effects to wear off 😦 … As a side note, I’ve been using my home Doppler to conduct mini NSTs at home. Athough it’s probably not entirely accurate and sometimes kind of wonky and frustrating to track the heart rate when he keeps moving, it gives me some reassurance to see the accelerations whenever there is movement. And I don’t think it’s silly to go in for monitoring even if you’re already getting two NSTs a week. This week I had BPPs 3 days in a row which is probably overkill, but who cares! Seriously, even if you feel like you need to go back in again tomorrow, do it, and don’t let anyone make you feel silly or bad about it. We’re in this place for a reason – something real happened to us and we’re just doing all that we can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You got this!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh, Randi. What a difficult experience. I wish these last 5 weeks weren’t so scary. You are doing all the right things though. Listening to your body, to Alden, and finding the medical team that offers the assurance you need. Keeping you and Alden and Kenley and Shane and Landon in my prayers always. 💜💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

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