You shouldn’t be here. But, you are because your sister died.
This is what I was thinking while I was feeding Alden at 3 am last night; I let my mind get the best of me. I don’t think that very often (I don’t allow myself to go there) but it’s true. Alden would not be here if Kenley had survived. This fact fills me with a lot of weird emotions; I feel guilty for even thinking it.
Having a “Rainbow” sort of makes you feel like you’re choosing one child over the other. I have to focus a lot of my attention on Alden, so sometimes I feel like I don’t properly focus on Kenley. I know she isn’t physically here, and doesn’t require physical attention, but she requires SO MUCH mental and emotional attention that it’s insane. She dominates my thoughts most days. It’s not as if I’m sad all the time, it just seems like she’s there with every breath I take.
I walk into the store, and think about her.
I wake up, I see her picture next to my bad and think about her.
I put Alden on the changing pad on her dresser, I think of Kenley.
She is in all things; she IS all things.
Not being able to focus attention on Kenley some days really makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I’m being a bad parent to her.
How do you parent a dead child???? There is no fucking book for this and so I’m winging it. And 99% of the time I’m pretty sure that I’m doing a terrible job at life.
Adulting is the worst, throw in losing a child and it’s a recipe for emotional and mental disaster.
I just need a break.