You shouldn’t be here. But, you are because your sister died. 

This is what I was thinking while I was feeding Alden at 3 am last night; I let my mind get the best of me. I don’t think that very often (I don’t allow myself to go there) but it’s true. Alden would not be here if Kenley had survived. This fact fills me with a lot of weird emotions; I feel guilty for even thinking it. 

Having a “Rainbow” sort of makes you feel like you’re choosing one child over the other.  I have to focus a lot of my attention on Alden, so sometimes I feel like I don’t properly focus on Kenley. I know she isn’t physically here, and doesn’t require physical attention, but she requires SO MUCH mental and emotional attention that it’s insane. She dominates my thoughts most days. It’s not as if I’m sad all the time, it just seems like she’s there with every breath I take. 

I walk into the store, and think about her. 

I wake up, I see her picture next to my bad and think about her. 

I put Alden on the changing pad on her dresser, I think of Kenley. 

She is in all things; she IS all things. 

Not being able to focus attention on Kenley some days really makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel like I’m being a bad parent to her. 

How do you parent a dead child???? There is no fucking book for this and so I’m winging it. And 99% of the time I’m pretty sure that I’m doing a terrible job at life. 

Adulting is the worst, throw in losing a child and it’s a recipe for emotional and mental disaster. 

I just need a break. 

6 thoughts on “choosing. 

  1. How do you parent a dead child? You love them to pieces. You honor them with every action you take and every thought you choose. You give all the love to others that you wish you could give directly to them. It isn’t the same, but it is something. By being the best version of yourself, you honor your children- living and gone. You show up in a way that teaches greatness. You are a beautiful person, one who honors kenley every day with the thought and care you give to others. There is never a moment when you are not giving her the best you’ve got. That’s the best parenting there is.

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  2. I think about this all the time too, there is no scenario that I could have Jovan and Aviana. Aviana is only alive because of everything that happened with Jovan, she is only here because I pushed for every extra appointment and every extra scan. The doctors were not worried until I kept coming back to them and they realised that something was wrong, not just my anxiety making me over sensitive. How much would I love a family with the four of us though. Don’t stop loving and remembering Kenley, and the rest will work itself out 💗

    Liked by 1 person

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