Last night I went out with a couple girlfriends of mine. We went to an outdoor mall, then to the movies where we could order dinner while watching the show. It was so much fun, and I’m really glad I went! We saw the movie Bad Moms 2 and it was so dumb funny- exactly what I needed on a night out.

I won’t lie, when I heard that it was about Christmas I kind of wanted to run and hide and make up an excuse to not go because ALL things Christmas make me want to die. Just the time of year alone sends chills down my spine; thinking of my pregnancy timeline with Kenley brings the white hot lightning feeling no matter what.

I’m pretty proud of myself that I was able to mentally check out enough to enjoy the show and not let the Christmas theme cause me serious anxiety. There are so many Christmas things happening and it just kind of sucks. Like…I know it’s coming. I can’t stop it, I can’t ignore it because I have living children who deserve to enjoy the holiday and experience the happiness that it should be. I want to have my consciousness wiped from Halloween until about….February 6th.

Just let me muddle through the everyday crap until all the holidays are gone and it’s one day before Landon’s birthday. But god even THAT causes me severe anxiety and sadness. I remember his birthday right after she died…it was so sad. My poor baby boy, and my poor sweet girl who wasn’t there to enjoy it. Who never will be….

I dunno. These times just bring out the darkness. Everything seems SO heavy and awful. Thinking about celebrating thanksgiving makes me want to curl up and not leave my home. And well…Christmas can go suck on a lemon.

I know these holidays will be different because Alden’s here and I will be slightly distracted by her presence and probably enjoy myself somewhat but it’s just the worst feeling knowing you have a piece of your family missing. It’s awkward and sad and frustrating as hell. We will always be that family with the dead child. Always. And sure maybe other people don’t view us that way or will eventually stop viewing us that way but I WONT EVER STOP VIEWING US THAT WAY.

Timelines suck. I will forever be thinking of what I was doing on X day at X time around the time Kenley died. I will FOREVER blame my OB for not encouraging me to go to L&D, but instead making me feel like a burden. I hope Kenley’s death weighs heavy on that OBs office for fucking EVER.

I wish I would have been strong enough to advocate for myself…just more confident in trusting my gut…maybe just maybe.

It’s so hard to think these things, and I find myself shoving the grief down more and more lately, or maybe it’s not even that so much as it’s just settled into my life now? I’m used to my grief; there isn’t much that changes about it these days.

It’s here. It’s part of my life and will always be a part of my family.

My grief is me and I am my grief.