adult.

Today we traded in my Highlander and bought a Honda Odyssey. I’m an adult now! It’s super nice, and I know that we made the right choice by doing this, but I can’t help think about how life “should have been”. Let me explain what I mean here…

I should have an almost 2 year old daughter.

I should be getting ready to purchase my dream car because we were financially in a position to buy it…

I should be set in my home; I shouldn’t be looking for a bigger one to accommodate more people.

I know that all sounds kind of shitty and maybe a little shallow because HELLO! I am so so fortunate to be able to purchase these things, and not be strapped for cash or feel overwhelmed by financial burdens etc…BUT all that being said, it always boils down to her being missing from our family.

I wouldn’t need a van if Kenley had lived.

I wouldn’t need a bigger house if Kenley had lived.

It’s always about that. Always. I think it always will be? I’m not sure…It’s just always going to suck.

I’m so happy with our new purchase though! It’s super nice, and I cannot wait to haul this wonderful bunch of kids around in it πŸ™‚

In other news, I’m almost completely finished with everything I need for Kenely’s Care Packs! I need to go to IKEA and pick up the boxes because IKEA wants $44 to ship the boxes to me…so weird. Whatever, looks like were taking a trip soon πŸ™‚

I’ve started taking names of babies who were born still and I plan to write them on “donated in memory of” stickers in the books I’m donating to the hospital. I have around 60 names already. It’s so sad, but I’m so thankful I get to write their names for these other parents to see.Β It’s all about keeping their memory alive. We are the only way that will happen and I’m so glad I can get these babies names out there.

I’m 20+4 today, and I’m totally feeling it! I feel so bloated and giant. I can feel her kicking around a lot, and it’s pretty comforting. I’m really looking forward to our second anatomy scan on the 16th. I don’t have my doppler here, so I can’t check on her heart beat, and sometimes I really freak out and think that I NEED IT but other times I think that I can get through this pregnancy without it… I mean…Maybe my feelings on the pregnancy will stop riding the fence the closer we get to the edge. I’m pretty sure things will be just as intense until she is here in our arms. I’m very much looking forward to seeing what she looks like. We have a name, too! I can’t wait to introduce her to the world.Β I really hope that things go smooth with this pregnancy, and she comes into the world alive. That’s all that I want.

Alden is crawling, and pulling herself up on things all over the place! I think she’s cutting another tooth as well. She’s so much fun and I love being home with her. She’s kind of at that age where if I leave her sight she loses her mind. Now that she’s crawling she can follow me around but that’s super inconvenient haha. Tonight she was in the living room playing with toys, and managed to crawl all the way into the kitchen right between my legs and tried to stand up on me. I felt so bad but I had a knife in my hands and was cutting cabbage so I couldn’t pick her up. I love watching her grow and learn. She’s eating all kinds of foods now. She loves avocados, cheese and blueberries! She’s a poop factory, and she also likes to drool up a storm. I’m so in love with her.

The other night my dad needed her SSN so I had to dig inside her baby book to find it, and for some reason I felt compelled to fill out some pages. I never bought her a baby book because I had filled out Kenley’s anxiously awaiting her arrival and well, it was just awful to know how much time and love I spent on that book and she never even got to read it when she was 20 with her boyfriend and laugh at what she used to do. It hurt. But, my sweet friend bought us one for Alden and it’s just been in a tote in her room since her birth. I would add papers to the inside (doctors appointments, and weight checks etc…) so those are the things that I wrote in there the other night. I felt pretty emotionally terrible afterward, but I’m glad I did it.

I see her growing up and I just wonder how my girls would get along.

I miss Kenley so much.

 

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