I was looking at wrapping paper the other day at Target when I turned the aisle and saw them- Christmas cards. The exact ones that I sent out the year she died. Just days before she died I was signing her sweet name to the card.

I burst into tears.

Shane asked if I wanted to send any out this year and I really don’t want to. I decided that if someone sent me one I would send one back to them, but when the time came to fill them out it was too much so I ended up sending them to my mom, in-laws and my dad. I couldn’t even bring myself to write anything inside except “The Hayes Family”. That’s it.

Because how do you decide if you should include your dead daughters name on the christmas card? Do you then include the unborn child you’re carrying? I didn’t include Kenley in some cards, and in some others I did…I remember thinking about how I was jinxing my pregnancy by writing her name in the cards…

I hate this fucking Holiday. I really really do. It’s so painful, and hurtful in so many ways when it’s supposed to be so exciting and cheerful. Nope. Not for me. The holiday makes me feel like I want to curl up and die. It makes me physically sick to my stomach. It makes me angry, and frustrated, and grumpy. It makes me feel the grief so much heavier and louder.

I just can’t believe how close we are to her second birthday. I don’t even have anything planned. I don’t know what to plan. I want to do something but I have zero emotional strength right now and I am afraid I’m going to just let the days tick by and bam it will be here and I will have nothing for her on that day.

Grief has a hold of me and is making it nearly impossible to get anything done. I cleaned the toy room the other day and I literally could have slept for 5 days afterward. I can’t keep up with house work. The laundry needs done. Shane has been working 6 day work weeks for the past month, and I am sinking fast and hard over here.

I knew it would happen. I knew the days leading up to her day would be awful. I knew it.

I just miss her so much that its all I can do.