busy.

We have been so busy during the “holiday season” and I’m kind of thankful to be honest. It’s keeping me occupied and keeping my mind off of everything but it also feels like I’m blocking things out? I’m trying to be in tune with what I’m feeling about Kenley’s second birthday but, I know I’m just shoving it down and trying to ignore it.

I miss her so much. Every time I wake up it’s feeling hard to catch my breath. I have a beautiful 9 month old girl who smiles all the time and brings so much joy to my life, but I have this aching hole in my heart the shape of a child who should be turning two in 10 days.

Christmas is going to be extremely difficult. It’s going to be so happy and wonderful because it’s Alden’s first Christmas, but my heart is going to be so empty again no matter what. I miss her.

I tried Alden’s Christmas dress on today, and I just wanted to cry. She looked so beautiful; so innocent and full of life. I just want to hold her and cuddle her and breathe her in and feel her warm body. She is here and alive and I love her so much. But, I’m always going to miss the girl we never got to bring home.

Sometimes I stop and think that this can’t be my life. I can’t be missing a child. I can’t have a daughter who is dead. But, with every breath I take I am painfully reminded that it is in fact my life, and she is truly gone.

I miss her so much. 10 days until your second birthday, sweet girl.

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