Yesterday I was putting away some clothes that I bought for Alden, when she came crawling into the closet. She crawled over to the window and wanted to look outside. For me to be able to open the shade, I had to stand next to where Kenley’s clothes still hang, untouched.

She kept trying to grab the cord for the shade so I had to put it up. When I looked over at Kenley’s clothes, I noticed that her clothes have dust on the shoulders.

Dust.

A symbol of time standing still and going on all at the same time…

Her beautiful clothing that she never got to wear is still hanging there and I’m pretty sure I will never be able to pack them away. Sure, I could use that space in the closet for the girls clothing, especially since we don’t have a bedroom or closet for Rowan, but I will not take them down– I can’t.

Sometimes I will stand in the closet doorway and just look at them. There are two newborn outfits at the front that I had purchased just a few days before she died because I panicked and realized I had no newborn outfits. There’s one that says “Grandmas’s cutie”, there is also a Valentine’s Day outfit which I’ve written about on here before. That one was given to her for Christmas, just days before she died, and makes me want to die when I see it.

There are a few outfits that I was able to let Alden wear, and now Rowan will wear them, too. There are a bunch of things that I just still can’t see any other baby wearing, except Kenley.

Each Holiday ends up hitting me hard even when I think it’s not going to. Even if I try to ignore the fact that it’s a Holiday and she’s not here it always creeps up on me in some way, shape or form. Seeing three Easter baskets sitting out yesterday morning was sad. I’ve been thinking a lot about how life would be if I had all of my kids here.

Four kids.

I wish I had them all.

I would give anything to have them all here.

No one should have to see dust settling on their child’s unused clothing. Ouch.