Today is Mother’s Day. Mostly it’s a happy holiday for people, but the day is shadowed with grief and confusion for myself and many other women who have lost children.
I have the most beautiful family; they are my greatest creations. I am so thankful for them, and even though some days I want to rip my hair out while crying, I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Our family will be missing a crucial member forever, however.
Thinking about my first Mother’s Day after Kenley died is rough; my heart just hurt so bad. The grief and shock was so raw. She had been gone less than 6 months and it felt unreal. It still feels unreal, honestly. I wake up on the daily and can’t believe this is my life. That I will have a missing family member forever. A perfect daughter who should be here but never got the chance.
I love parenting my children, but I wish I could parent all of them here on earth. I don’t allow myself to day dream about my life with all of them here. I don’t know that it would help me mentally to think that way; it’s a defense mechanism I’m pretty sure.
So on Mother’s Day, I want to write a little note to my children-
Landon, I am so thankful you made me a mother. You are so much fun, and so frustrating all at the same time! I’m so proud of the little man you are becoming. I love you so much buddy!
My sweet Kenley, I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. You are perfect. You were so wanted. I wish so badly that I could watch you grow and hear your beautiful voice. I love you with everything I am. I hope you know that, and I hope you are proud of me. I cannot wait until the day we are together again. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Alden, my little unicorn rainbow baby, you have healed my heart in ways I never thought possible. Your smile is infectious and your laugh warms my heart. Every day with you is amazing, and I love being your Mommy. I am so thankful for you my sweet baby.
Rowan, my sweet surprise, I was scared to death when I learned you were coming! You and Alden are so close in age that I thought I would never feel normal again. I am so thankful that you are part of our family! You’re only 10 weeks old but I cannot wait to watch your personality develop! Your smiles are adorable and I love to her you coo!
No Mother should have to be without any of her children on Mother’s Day.