Thought Dump.

I feel like I have zero time to write anymore, and that really makes me sad. I love coming here to express myself, and to talk about Kenley, or whatever else is on my mind. So, tonight I have a few minutes to myself and I wanted to come here and dump some thoughts.

I’ve started all the things for Kenley’s care packages. I’ve gotten some hats in the mail, and have been in touch with people who are creating more hats and blankets. I’m looking forward to spending the coming months preparing the donations. It makes me feel close to Kenley, and like she isn’t forgotten. I haven’t gotten any donations yet, and that bums me out, but whatever! It’s still early, and my god last year was amazing we were able to get everything, so I know it will happen I just need to give it time.

I’ve been feeling heavy hearted about Kenley more often every day lately…I don’t know what triggered it but I think it was when I was cuddling with Alden and I inadvertently placed my hand on her chest and felt her heart beating. I immediately took my hand off her chest, like it was on fire or something, and when I realized I did that I had to ask myself why. I remember there being a time immediately after Kenley died that I hugged Landon and felt sick to my stomach. I remember thinking that it hurt me so badly to feel his heart beating against my chest, and know that I would never feel Kenley’s. I think that was sort of what happened with Alden; a knee-jerk reaction. I then took a deep breath and placed my hand over her little chest again and breathed in the smell of her head while I sat there, feeling her heart beating against my palm.

Some days I still can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe the awfulness that we went through– the awfulness that we are enduring every single day of the rest of our lives. I don’t know. It’s so weird because death at any point in life is awful and each person grieves so individually but my god. To lose a baby before they’re even born, but to have carried them for an entire pregnancy…Fuck. It’s just so unfair. How many times can I say that without sounding like a broken record? Probably already worn that out, but you know what? IT’S UNFAIR. I shouldn’t feel guilty for not looking at my daughters urn because it makes my heart break into a million pieces, but I do. I feel so guilty.

Alden has started walking, well let me rephrase that…she’s taking steps. She will not let go of things and walk. She has started to stand up in the middle of the floor by herself now, so I’m hoping that she will just start walking around. It makes me sad to think that she will be walking soon because she’s my little baby! It’s crazy. She can’t be walking! Ugh. And then to think that Rowan will be walking in like a year! EEK.

Alden is so much fun! I just love being with her. I hope that when Rowan is old enough to play with her, she will be loving toward her and not beat her with a toy or whatever.

Rowan is 2 months old now! She had her appointment yesterday and had 3 shots. Ugh so sad! She cried so hard…harder than she has ever cried before. Poor sweet girl! She’s weighing in at 13lbs 7oz, and 23 1/4 inches long! She’s a little pork chop. I’m starting to feel better after feeling some really dark feelings after she was born. I still feel weird at certain moments, and when certain things happen. I feel sad when I think about Rowan and Alden playing without Kenley. Seeing Landon love on his sisters hurts my momma heart too. Sigh. It is what it is.

Landon is playing baseball again this year. I absolutely love watching him play! He is really good at it too, so that really makes me so pumped to watch him. He’s been playing catcher and I swear to god he just looks like a natural up there! That boy can hit a ball, too! I’m a proud Momma. I do need to figure out something to do with Alden while we’re there though. She wants to constantly get down in the rocks, or grass and eat everything. I want to but a portable play pen but they’re like $60-100 and I just don’t feel like spending that.

Our 8 year wedding anniversary was on Tuesday. I can’t believe we’ve been married that long. It doesn’t seem that long honestly. It feels like yesterday! We’ve been together since we were 18 (14 years ago) and I just can’t even with that. I really need to find some pictures from when we were first dating and spam this space with them! We weren’t able to do anything on our actual anniversary because Shane had to work overtime, but hey…whatever. The overtime pay is ridiculous so I guess that’s fine. We did book a cabin in Hocking Hills for next weekend. I can’t wait. We’re going to see Dead pool, get some pizza and wine, and sit in the hot tub all weekend! I’m so thankful for my Mom who is coming down to stay with the girls so we can get away.

I need some clothes for the summer. I literally have zero things. I have like 2 shirts, both black, and 5 pairs of maternity leggings…soooooo…

We’re still working on our home plans. We got another quote back to renovate our home and it’s within our budget to do most of the things that we need to make this house work, but there is the option of building a brand new home on some family land…I just don’t know what to do. We could sell our home for a lot more than we paid for it currently and I just feel like we need to sell while we can. There are a lot of things about our home that we cannot change. I don’t know. Ahh what to do?!

So life is just an insane shit show like 75% of the time, and my house is a wreck 100% of the time.

4 thoughts on “Thought Dump.

  1. So glad you had time to write. I love reading your posts, friend.

    I know I can’t relate on carrying a baby an entire pregnancy and then losing her, but I can relate on some level- 16 weeks felt long enough. Living without our children is truly the worst. It’s all been magnified losing my mom and never giving her that living grandchild. However; I hope they’re all together somewhere, looking down and having one another, even though I’m without them all. It gives me weird peace; I guess.

    Loved the video of Landon playing baseball! You’re right, he’s so natural! And of course, love pictures of the girls; my how they’re growing!

    Just want you to know you’re amazing, blessed, wonderful and beautiful. You’re so inspiring, and you’ve done SO. MUCH. for women who have gone through what you have. I have a close friend who lost her daughter at 23 weeks. I shared your story and she read your blog. To date she’s made almost 100 blankets and hats for babies in the local NICU, and she wanted me to share that you’ve inspired her. I can’t wait to donate to Kenley’s care packages this year.

    Sorry for the long, drawn out comment, but I think you’re doing amazing, Mama. And you’re constantly in my thoughts; I’m so glad to see your beautiful family on IG, and read your thoughts here; I relate a lot, and again, for the record, please remember, you’re amazing ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds like your babies are adorable and fun to be with. It also sounds like it’s time to go clothes shopping. Hopefully, you’re up for that. Go for the house that y’all build. It’s a huge hassle but worth it. Sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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