I’m not sure why, but some days just hit hard. Like really really hard. Today I was watching Rowan bounce in her bouncer and I just got sad. Then, I played with her on her play-mat and got sad again. It’s not sad sad, it’s like bittersweet sad? I’m not sure if that makes sense.

I’m sad because it makes me see, all over again, the things that Kenley won’t get to do. When she was born I immediately knew what I was missing out on with her life being cut so short. I had Landon prior to her so I know the intense joy a child brings to your life. When she died, that sadness was already understood.

When I had Alden, it was different because this time I was raising a girl so everything was new, and would have been exactly like raising Kenley. So I got to see the milestones of “raising a girl” only to feel the intense sadness of not seeing Kenley do these things or like the things Alden did. And when Rowan came, it was just all of these things all over again. And kind of intensified by the fact that she looks so similar to Kenley—talk about a mind fuck.

It’s just so bittersweet. I miss her so badly and some days it just creeps up when I’m feeling the happiest. This is just another reason why life after loss is so fucked up; grief is a happiness stealer.

Living with coexisting grief and joy hurts a lot more than you would expect.