Life is crazy hectic these days, and while it provides a nice “escape” from my grief it also makes me feel guilty. I am able to wake up daily and function without being crippled with my sadness, and I call that a win. But, some days, I wake up and my mood is different. I will cry all day over things, or I will feel super anxious like my chest is going to explode.
That feeling hasn’t been too frequent, until lately. I’m not sure what’s shifting in my mental state but things are starting to feel heavy again. I think when we hit June I start to feel it hard; she should be 2 and a half on June 29th. I should have an almost 3 year old baby girl, who walks and talks and learns all these new things and is developing this cute little personality. It just makes my brain hurt some days to think about it.
It hurts my heart so badly that I think I’ve just learned to keep it blocked off from most things these days. I find myself not enjoying pretty much anything that I used to. Shane will say things about the stuff that I used to enjoy — i.e. photography, or refinishing furniture– and say that I used to like those things, or just make little remarks about me not enjoying them now.
I’m sure it’s depression, of course, but like I just don’t care anymore. Before I cared…now I don’t. I literally do not care. I used to refinish furniture and it made me feel happy. Now, it makes me want to die. Shane had to repaint Kenley’s dresser for Alden because it literally made my heart cry. I barely like taking pictures on my phone anymore, let alone with my Nikon. It feels like too much work; like it doesn’t fucking matter.
Oh this picture turned out so cute! Doesn’t matter because Kenley is still dead.
That dresser would be amazing painted kelly green! Nope. Do not care.
I feel very apathetic towards pretty much everything in my life. I don’t think that is something that medication can fix, either. I’m sure there is something to grief causing this feeling in a person after a loss, but man it’s super hard to deal with. I am a happy person in general so to feel these feelings is really hard.
Losing a baby changes you. It shapes you into this person you don’t know, and that you would never want to be in your darkest nightmares. Life moves forward and you literally have no other choice than to just fucking go with the flow. I want to scream and cry every single day because I’m missing a child, but like that is not rational. I’m trying. I’m trying to keep my sanity and it makes me feel so guilty all the damn time.
I miss her, and I wish that I could just go back and hold her. I want to see her again.
My heart is so full of love and joy, but my god it’s so fucking broken too.