Author: Randi

11dp5dt.

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Today is 7 months since Kenley died. I miss her more than ever if that’s even possible. She would be crawling and eating random “human” food (like shane and I call it lol). I cannot believe this much time has gone by. 

On Wednesday, I had my first blood draw to check if I was pregnant. The doctor wanted me to come back for a second blood draw 2 days later to make sure the number (if there was one) was doubling in the appropriate time frame.

Wednesday my beta level as 107

This morning my beta love was 225

The normal doubling time is 48-72 hours, and ours was 44 hours.

We’re pregnant.

I go back Monday for one more blood draw, and if that number looks good, we will schedule an ultrasound.

Here we go again, I guess 🙂

8dp5dt.

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Landon’s spending the night with my mother in law.

Tomorrow at 9am we go for our blood draw that will tell us if we are pregnant or not. Results should be back around 2pm.

Send all the good vibes, if you have any to spare.

 

7dp5dt.

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I’m missing your squishy cheeks, and beautiful lips tonight my sweet girl. Look at that hair; so auburn, wavy and soft. You were the most beautiful girl I’d ever laid eyes on. You were and always will be mine.

I wish you were here. 

6dp5dt. 

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The closer we get to beta day, the more weird I feel. Weird in the way that I don’t know how to feel. If my betas are positive, I’m going to be happy obviously, but I’m sure I will feel a gazillion other emotions along with the happiness. I’ve talked at length about this before in other posts. 

What I’m really afraid of is…the rest of my life from here on out. I know some might think this to be dramatic, but you have no room to judge. I will forever be figuring out a way to give this new baby (hopefully, if we’re pregnant) all of my love with a broken heart; with a gigantic piece of my soul missing. Tell me how a mother does this? How???

This new baby will live in Kenley’s room which is a huge trigger for me right now. I can’t even think of putting another baby in there, but I have no other choice. We could move, and I won’t lie, we’ve honestly though about it. I would feel bad moving, but also like I was releasing myself of guilt in some weird way. I asked Landon if he wanted to switch rooms and he could take the nursery. I told him we would repaint it for him and make it however he wanted. His reply?  ” but that’s Kenleys nursery”…

Ouch, my heart. 

How will he feel to see that nursery torn down, and a new one created for a new baby? I don’t know what will happen if we are pregnant. I don’t know how we will feel as a family. It’s all such uncharted territory and I find myself feeling more scared than sad lately. 

5dp5dt

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I don’t think I have ever read a more accurate quote regarding trying to conceive after a loss. I can feel every word of this quote in my bones.

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2dp5dt.

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We had therapy this morning as usual, and I always leave us so exhausted. It is so incredibly hard to sit there for an hour and talk about Kenley. It inevitably always turns to sadness, or things surrounding her death that make me so incredibly mad. Today we were talking about how I like to destress. Our Therapist asked if I was the type of person who believed in “visualization” of something- If you imagine it for long enough, and hard enough that maybe it will come to fruition. Well, I’m not that type of person…at all. I’m a very matter of fact person. If I am pregnant, it’s because this bundle of cells that the RE implanted into my uterus attached to my uterine lining- that’s all. SCIENCE.

I cannot visualize that and make it happen.

Anyway, we talked about that  and I told her that I feel like I’ve been better about not randomly crying anymore. Shane chimed in and said that he sees a big improvement in my attitude and tolerance toward babies (I don’t agree with him though). He referenced the GoT episode we watched last night in which a baby cried for literally 3-5 minutes of the segment. He said he saw me pick up the remote control like I was going to mute it (I actually did pick it up to mute it but then the show ended). He said it was frustrating to him as well and he could it tell it bothered me. He didn’t mention it to me at the time during the show, but he said it today. I told him that he should have muted it because 9/10 we are feeling the same exact thing- I just don’t have a filter and say what I feel.

Then, the Therapist said ” Of course that is hard for you two, you didn’t get to hear Kenley cry. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be, or how people expect it to be.” And I lost my shit. I started crying pretty hard. It’s true, I didn’t get to hear her cry; I NEVER WILL. I grew this beautiful human inside of me and I will never get to hear her sweet cry. Things from there just went to more sad things- her nursery, using her things for future baby, moving and being faced with the feelings of leaving her only home behind. It’s just bullshit- all of it.

Back to decompressing/ destressing- I told her that meditation and things like that don’t work for me. Destressing comes from hanging out with Shane. He is my best friend and being with him is relaxing. When we go on a date, or watch tv and hang out it’s literally the best time for me. Nothing else calms me down more than being with him. He’s like my giant safety blanket I guess. So anyway, today just sucked. I have a love hate relationship with therapy.

We got home and went to the grocery store, and I passed the pregnancy tests. I decided not to buy any right now because they’re so freakin expensive. $20 for a pack of 3? Like I haven’t spent enough money already, people. My blood test to tell if I’m pregnant is Wednesday at 9am. Some (most) people test at home before their blood draw so they know what to expect. I’m pretty sure I will do that…but I guess that means I need to buy a test before Friday. Can someone just knock me out, and wake me up Wednesday after my results are back? Kthx.

So far I’m feeling tired; I think it’s probably from my PIO shots. I’ve been having cramping since the procedure, but I figure that’s probably normal, too. Yesterday night I got so hot that I had to take my robe off in the middle of Game of Thrones and stand there cooling off. It was like a serious hot flash.With Kenley I was sick immediately. She implanted, and I was sick until the day I had her; I threw up the morning she was born. If this baby has implanted, I assume that I will be sick again. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling nauseous today? A girl can hope, right?