love.

Posted by Randi

I remember falling in “love” for the first time in 6th grade. I thought that was it; I would love this person for the rest of my life! He was the one who made me happy (whatever that was in 6th grade- pretty sure it was holding my hand haha), and made me laugh. I remember the feeling of complete happiness I felt when I would get to school and sit next to him in class; how happy I was to go home and talk to him on the phone after school. Such a strong feeling for 6th grade. Oh 6th grade self, if you only knew.

As time went on, I realized that the 6th grade love wasn’t going to last, and I “loved” other people. When I met Shane my senior year in High School, it was so different. I loved him so incredibly much, and felt so strongly about him. He made me laugh, smile, loved the same music as I did, and we just had a lot in common. He was the one; I knew it. I fell hard for Shane. I withdrew from college, and moved to Columbus to be closer to him after we had only known each other for 4 months.

Six years, and a lot of moving around later, we were engaged. I never doubted that I wanted to spend forever with Shane, not one time. I still don’t. 12 years later we still love each other like we did the first day we met, just differently. He’s going to be such an amazing dad to Landon as he grows up, and to our future living children. He was an amazing father to Kenley – He still is, and always will be. I know how much he loves her, and it warms my heart.

When I found out I was pregnant with Landon, I was so happy. I thought I didn’t want children, until I met Shane’s family and saw how they got along so well. I knew I wanted that. When I had Landon, I felt a love so strong that it’s impossible to describe. It was a different type of love. I was so concerned with how I was going to love a child more than I loved Shane. When Landon was born, I realized it wasn’t more or less that I loved him, it was differently. I loved Landon so much differently than I loved Shane.

When we found out we were pregnant with our second baby (first miscarriage), we were so happy. I felt that surge of love again. I knew I had a lot of feelings about a new baby. I was nervous, and scared. How would I love this baby as much as I loved Landon? How do you split your love between two children? We eventually miscarried this baby, and we were heart broken. That was a new level of pain that I had hoped to never experience in the first place, let alone 2 more times. We lost another baby to a chemical pregnancy. Another knife in my heart.

When we got pregnant with Kenley, it was different. Things progressed well. She had a normal heartbeat, and all her ultrasounds were normal. There was no reason for us to be concerned past my loss milestone dates. When we found out she was perfect genetically speaking, we were thrilled. We knew she was it. She was our Rainbow. I was worried again about giving her as much love as Landon. How was it possible? I came to peace with that fear, and I knew that I would once again love them differently, but just as fiercely as the other. When I found out Kenley died, I cannot describe the pain I felt. It will forever be the worst thing that happened to me. When I held her lifeless body, I was so in love. She is my daughter and she would never know pain from the outside world. I loved her so incredibly much. I will love her forever with the same intensity as the first time I saw her beautiful face.

Now I can say that I love them both the same, but differently. I love Landon as my living child, and Kenley as the child who lives in my heart (along with her 2 siblings). I will never get to physically mother Kenley like I get to with Landon, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love her just as intensely. I am forced to love her in unconventional ways, which isn’t fair what so ever. I will always love her differently, and that makes me very sad. I wish she was here to let me love her in the traditional sense. I want to kiss her sweet face, and tell her how much I love her while rocking her to sleep at night. I want to tickle her belly and hear her laugh. I want the sloppy open mouth kisses from her. I will forever long for her to be here in my arms.

I’m so thankful that I know this love, though. True Love.

I love my children with every fiber of my being. All four of them.

steps.

Posted by Randi

The title of this post has many meanings; let me explain what I mean.

I was sitting here trying to think of a way to title this post, and I was coming up blank. I knew the things I wanted to write about and I just couldn’t figure it out. Then it came to me – STEPS.

Taking steps moving forward in my life.

Never getting to see Kenley take steps.

Taking steps by walking in a 5k for a woman who lost her daughter, Lydie, to stillbirth.

Steps.

If you write it out enough, it just doesn’t even look like a word. You know how if you say a word too much it starts to sound weird, or not like a word? Same for when you spell it out over and over, it just looks weird eventually. I feel that way about repeating that my daughter is dead over and over. Kenley is dead. She died. I will never have her here with me on this earth again. It just doesn’t make fucking sense.

On October 1st, the woman who lost her daughter that I mentioned above has set up a 5k/1mile/kids dash in Columbus. All proceeds benefit the Star Legacy Foundation for stillbirth research and education. I want to participate in this so incredibly much. I want to start a team for Kenley. I feel a special connection to this woman, Heather, for many reasons.

She is from our area, she has also lost her beautiful daughter, and the most fucked up reason of all? She and her Husband were the people who raised the money to donate Cuddle Cots to the hospital system where we had Kenley. Kenley used a cuddle cot, which lengthened her stay with us in the room.We spent approximately 2 days with Kenley. Heather and her Husband only spent 6 hours with their daughter. Six Hours. For her entire life, she will only have those 6 hours with her daughter. It breaks my heart that she did not have this item and was not able to spend more time with her daughter, but I am beyond thankful that I was given that opportunity because of them.

If you’re interested in walking in this 5k/1mile walk here is the information:

I’ve been seeing a lot of babies around Kenley’s age lately. There seems to be an abundance of them at T-ball games. It crushes my soul each time I see a cute little girl, in a cute little sundress and headband being carried lovingly by their mother. It should be me. I should be carrying Kenley around, enjoying every single second of it. Instead I’m envious of the other mothers. It pains me to look at them, and be near them. I’m not a mean person, and I’m not mad that they have their children; I don’t wish what happened to us on my worst enemy. It’s just the worst pain there is, I’m almost 100% sure of it. I look away, I look at the ground, any thing to avoid the happy family with the daughter that I should have. The families who never had an issue having their sweet daughter, who never had to hear the worst words in the world – ” Unfortunately, there is no heartbeat”.

Yeah, good choice of words doctor. Unfortunately. I want to punch that doctor in her stupid face. I will forever hold this against her as a person. Have a little fucking compassion. There needs to be a change in medical care in regard to dealing with these issues because they are real, and they happen. Don’t tell me my daughter died in the middle of triage, where the rooms are separated by curtains. Don’t let me sit there and hear the other ladies being monitored with their beautiful children hearts beating on the monitors.

Some times I literally cannot believe these things have happened to me. To my family. To my husband and my son. To my daughter.

I can’t believe that we have to do IVF in hopes that we someday get to complete our family. I can’t believe that we have NO fertility coverage for IVF and we have to pay every single cent out of pocket. It just seems so unfair after what we’ve gone through. There should be someone with an actual heart who reviews your case and that is how your coverage is decided. You will cover my child’s autopsy report, but you will not cover a single thing related to having a child with infertility issues? It’s sickening, really.

The worst part of all of this is how incredibly fucked up my “Mom” mind is from all of this.

Everything has a direct link to my pregnancy with Kenley, or the fact that she is no longer here with us. Thinking about getting pregnant again is exciting because we will be bringing another child into the world. I’m sure we will feel more joy than we can even imagine right now. But…those thoughts come with thoughts of panic about her nursery, her things, this happening again, or something else happening.

I’m pretty sure that my life is always going to be an ever changing puzzle that I’m never going to figure out – think the Gryffindor stair case that constantly changes in Harry Potter…that’s what I’m sure my life will be forever.

Somedays I don’t have it in me to keep climbing, I won’t lie. I’m hoping as IVF moves along, I will feel more hopeful, more positive.

I just need to work on not letting my guilt pull me under.

baseline.

Posted by Randi

Landon stayed with my mother in law last night for a sleepover with his cousin, Madison. They are a year apart, and get along so well. I’m so thankful that Landon has her to play with. I don’t know what I would do if not. It also give me less anxiety when I leave him there while she’s there as well. It makes me feel like he is going to play with her, and stay out of MIL’s way. I know she enjoys having them both there, but still. I just worry.

We went to the movies yesterday afternoon. We saw X-men: Apocalypse; to anyone who said it was bad, you’re dumb. It was really, really good! Since being with Shane, my movie taste has changed; I’m a super nerd in the movie world now. I guess I like to think of it as he’s shown me what good movies truly are 😉 We had popcorn, and pretzel bites; It was probably the worst we’ve eaten in like 4 months. So worth it! After the movie, we went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. I enjoy spending time with Shane anywhere we are, but the movies and dinner are my favorite places. We have to drive in the car together to go to those places and I enjoy that as well 🙂

After that we came home and just relaxed. We watched the Cavs suck it up big time, and went to bed.

This morning we were up at 7, and out the door at 8 for my RE appointment. After waiting about an hour to be seen, we were taken back to the room. I always fear that they’re going to put me in Kenley’s room; the room where we had our IUI and got pregnant. Thankfully they didn’t put us there this time. Although I’ve been in there since, so I guess it doesn’t really matter; just another one of those “things” that happens to your brain after a loss.

We waited for Dr. J, and when he came in we started the scan. 8 follicles on my right ovary, and 5 on my left. I will take that – AFC was 13 total. My lining was 4.4 which they said was fine. I had blood work drawn, which came back ok and was cleared to start shots on Sunday night! I had the IVF nurse show me how to mix my Follistim and Menopur to make one shot, and we were on our way.

I feel better.

I was anticipating a terrible AFC count or something being wrong that would stop us from starting IVF; I was dreaming up this awful scenario in my mind of what was going to go wrong. Can you blame me? I didn’t think so.

So, things look well. We set up all of my monitoring appointments for the next two weeks .( 3 trips to the RE in 5 days. 40 minutes each way. All appointments during rush hour….) So now I have to give my MIL a new copy of the calendar and set up with her to keep Landon during these appointments as Shane wants to be with me for them if at all possible.

I feel K with me today. I feel her telling me it’s ok to move forward. I know she would want me happy, but I can’t help but always think of my desire for her.

I really wish I didn’t have to give her back. I would have been the best mother to her.

I miss her so incredibly much.

random thoughts.

Posted by Randi

I feel like I have all these things to say that are so random. So many things on my mind, and no real structure to write them out in. It’s so annoying; I shouldn’t have these types of things on my mind. No one should have to think them. Forgive this post as it is very very random and probably makes no sense. I just need to get it out.

Tomorrow, I go for my baseline ultrasound (the RE checks my uterine lining, checks my blood work, and answer any questions I may need answered). If everything checks out well, we will start our shots (Follistim and Menopur) on Sunday. Stabbing myself with needles does not scare me; what scares me is the simple fact that we are moving on. We’re doing this again.

IVF is intense; it’s a lot to take on without the added grief of losing Kenley. I think starting IVF (had we not lost K) would have been seen as exciting, and given me so much hope. Now, in the after, it just leads to stress, anxiety, guilt, fear and exhaustion. I’m excited at the possibility of having another child, obviously. I’m very lucky to be able to even go through with IVF. I know all of these things. It doesn’t matter; I can’t help the way I feel when thinking of going through it all again.

I could be pregnant very soon. So what does that mean? Oh, Right…vomiting, food aversions, food cravings, more vomiting, pubic bone pain (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) and a lot of other really uncomfortable things, like peeing every 3 minutes. I get to be pregnant, again, approximately 6 months after giving birth to my dead child. I get to spend 9 months in straight fear of losing this child, if were even lucky enough to get pregnant again. I loved being pregnant with Landon, and I loved it even more with Kenley. Sure, she made me sick up until the day I had her, but I enjoyed every second she spent inside of my body.

There are just so many random things going through my mind. A woman who I follow on WordPress wrote about her son, and his “things”. His physical things; the crib, the clothes, the grave, the ashes. She spoke of them and how it was hard for her to go to his grave; that she just did not find comfort in it. It breaks her down emotionally for days to come after she leaves. I get that; it is exactly why we did not bury Kenley. I couldn’t because I know for a fact that I would be there, every day, crying. I don’t think that I would be able to function. I would feel incredible guilt not going, or when I left.

I don’t know if it’s any better that she was cremated and sits on my dresser. I don’t know…Is there any good way to lay your dead child to rest? Nope, there isn’t. No matter what, you’re always going to feel some sort of guilt, or shame about your choice. Someone commented on her post and I swear it could have been me writing the post. It made me think; I know logically that Kenley is not her ashes. I know that they are just that- her ashes. But it is physically the only thing I have left of her. I think that I cling to them, and feel connected to her when I kiss them goodnight. I have nothing else, what else am I to do?

I printed her picture out and it’s now sitting on my night stand. I looked at it on my phone every night, but taking that step to actually print it out and physically have it took a lot of courage. I cannot tell you why it took me so long to do that; I literally have no idea why. I just couldn’t do it for some reason. Maybe it made it feel too real. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I didn’t want to take on the task of finding a picture frame that was fucking worthy of holding my dead daughters picture.

It’s never just as easy as taking the step; there are 1,000 things to think of before you move your feet. And sadly, it’s going to be that way for a long ass time. I’m sure the things I “need” to do before taking steps will decrese. Maybe one day it will be 500 things,then 200 things, and maybe one day I will just be able to take that step with out all of the other shit in my mind. Maybe one day I will have clairty and be able to make choices without considering ALL the things first.

I hate that I think of IVF and think anything other than “I’m so excited to try and get pregnant again”.

I don’t know that I will ever be “excited” to try again. Maybe one day I will feel that twinge of excitement, but for now I’m fucking terrified.

And I’m allowed to feel that way.

So please don’t tell me I should appreciate the opportunity, or be happy that I have a living child already. Don’t tell me that I need to feel hopeful; or that “life goes on”.

Because I know those things.

I shouldn’t even have to worry about those things.

10:32

Posted by Randi

Today was another Tuesday.

One more week has passed without her in my arms.

Tonight was the first Tuesday in 22 weeks that I didn’t look at the clock and wait for it to say 10:32.

I forgot.

I didn’t do it.

It slipped my mind.

I don’t know what that means, but the realization made me feel like shit. It made me feel so incredibly guilty that I lost out on that special time; the exact moment she was born asleep.

I don’t want to forget her.

I know I never will, but times like this make it so painfully obvious that life is moving forward and there is not a god damn thing I can do about it.

I’m gonna go ahead and give a big “fuck you” to the universe.

starting ivf.

Posted by Randi

Well…It’s that time. Tomorrow I will take my last birth control pill, and Friday I go in for my first monitoring appointment of this IVF cycle.

Shit is getting real.

To say that I’m terrified is an understatement. I’m in the “so much terrible shit has happened to me, why would it change now?” camp. I mean, realistically, I know that the “odds” are in our favor; the chances of a future child being stillborn are not increased. We will be seeing an MFM (maternal fetal medicine high risk OBGYN) doctor at OSU, and will be very closely monitored through the entire pregnancy. I will deliver at 37 weeks. I feel that things will go better this time, but what if they don’t.

Shane and I are both feeling the intensity of IVF. Maybe not IVF itself, but the whole uncertainty of it all. There is so much that goes into an IVF cycle. My infertility plays a huge role in the way that I’ll respond to medicine, and the eggs we will retrieve. I could have nothing. We could have paid all of this money, gone through all of this stress just to end up with no good quality eggs. I know that this is something we are risking, but I do feel “hopeful” for this cycle because of my age, and the fact that I carried two children to term.

On Friday my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) will check the lining of my uterus. He will check the way my AFC (antral follicle count is a transvaginal ultrasound study that measures a woman’s ovarian reserve, or her remaining egg supply) looks. In April my AFC was 13. When I got pregnant with Kenley it was 12. So, I’m happy to see that it’s not drastically declining. I’m hoping that this means I will have a decent response to the meds.

I am considered DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), meaning I have low egg counts. My blood work is all normal, with the exception of my AMH being low for my age (AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply).

IVF isn’t just about “getting pregnant” for me, it’s about completing our family. It’s going to be incredibly difficult to be pregnant again; I just know the anxiety and worry I will feel. I think about things like what will happen when it comes time to put that child into the crib that we purchased for their older sibling who died. How will I feel using that room for a childs nursery?

I think about the brand new hand-me-downs.

Just hearing that is like a stab in the heart.

This whole process is going to be so long and intense for us. I know that we can survive it, because we’ve survived this far.

Here we go again, Life.

bd42e911a64483ca9a8752915b4fbd7d

book.

Posted by Randi

Today I noticed that Angela Miller’s book “You are the Mother of all Mothers” was offering it’s 6th edition memorial page printing. In this, you are purchasing a spot for your child’s name in the back of the book on the memorial page (along with 2 copies of the book). All these books will be printed with your child’s name.

We bought Kenley a spot.

It means so much to me to know that people all around the world will buy this book and see her name. Say her name out loud. I can’t wait until the book is in print. Once it is, I plan to use the gift card from TCF to buy 20 of them to include in my donations for stillborn mothers who give birth at Mt.Carmel.

Angela’s writing has helped me in ways that I don’t think can be put into words. She speaks from this place of all knowing that I wish no one had to know of. Every word she types could have come from my hands; could be from the sadness in my heart. In the early days after Kenley’s death, I didn’t know what to do; life felt like a cruel joke.

Finding Angela’s work on Still Standing brought me comfort. It made me feel less alone. In the early days after a child’s death you feel lost. You are in this black space and there is no light; you don’t know if there ever will be light again. Reading articles from still standing, and seeing that there were mothers who went through what I currently was, and survived –however broken and bruised- gave me a sliver of hope. Hope that maybe I can pull through this after all.

I will never be the same as before, but I will survive.

Today, as I get ready to go to my in laws for a small get together, I can’t help but feel empty because we are missing her. I know we will never forget Kenley, obviously, it’s just hard to see life moving on without her. She is my first daughter. My second born child. She will always have a gigantic piece of my soul with her.

On the day when we are reunited, whenever and wherever that may be, I will be whole again.

aware.

Posted by Randi

Oh my sweet K…This is so true. As it’s becoming summer I’m starting to see all the things I dreamed of us doing together. Playing in a baby pool with your older brother. Swinging on grandma’s patio swing and just holding you-smelling your hair. I’d get that feeling in my throat; the feeling I got when I inhaled your brothers baby smell after he was born. It burned my throat and made my chest pound with the fiercest love I have ever felt.

So many things I wanted to do with you and I never will.

This summer will be hard. Last 4th of July I was carrying you, and was given a dress for you to wear this July 4th. How sad is it that you will never wear it? You won’t ever see the fireworks; it’s my favorite thing, sweet girl. They light up the sky and make your chest shake. I was planning to watch them with you, although you would probably be asleep in my arms. Maybe your daddy and brother would have gone and we would have stayed home, together.

Together.

I’m so sad that we can’t be together. I wanted to be your mommy so badly. I would have been the best mommy to you, K. I would have let you be you; I know how important that is for a child.

There is nothing I wouldn’t give to be with you one more time. To hold you one more time. To see your sweet face again.

I wish so badly I could have felt your heart beating against my chest.

It’s so crazy to me to think that that is the one thing I want more than anything, and I can’t have it. Ever.

One day, my daughter. One day.

Mommy loves you, sweet baby girl.

dreaming.

Posted by Randi

There is a song by The Black Keys called “Your Touch” that is one of my favorites. There is a place in the video where they stop the song and show the band sitting at a diner table talking. One asks the other “so, how do you feel about being dead?“, at which time the other member replies “I don’t know, my neck hurts”.

It made me laugh today; Yeah, I straight up LOL’ed. In my mind I was thinking, “that is so fucking funny”. I’m not sure why; in the “after” I usually get weird feelings when I hear things about death/dying. This was different, like…I don’t know.

It was like he was saying “whatever no biggie that I’m dead, I’ve just got this terrible neck ache”.

I guess that’s just my humor, and I’m pretty happy that I laughed at it to be honest. I felt like myself for that 2.5 seconds during the song.

Last night I had a dream that my Grandma died. (Grandma, if you’re reading this, this is why I’ve called you 2 times today! Answer your phone!) Since I’ve lost Kenley, I can’t sleep at night without medicine. I don’t want to lay in bed and think about the tragedy that came about in my life; I want to lay there, and fucking fall asleep. Zero thoughts in my brain. The medicine works about 75% of the time…the other 25% of the time I cannot shut my brain off. I am overcome with the most terrible thoughts; It’s like the worst day of my life is on a loop. All I can hear is the Doctor telling me “this is where her heart is, and there is no activity. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a heartbeat”over and over and over. It cuts through me like a knife.

Anyway, the dream.

Grandma died, and was somehow able to attend her funeral. It wasn’t the actual funeral, but the gathering that happens afterwards. It was in a giant room with rectangle tables, and all of my family there. Grandma sat across from me at the table, me sobbing uncontrollably (I remember the crying in my dream being the exact cry that I had when I lost Kenley- uncontrolable sadness…), her holding my hand gently and talking to me about anything and everything. I asked her when she had to leave me for good, if she would make sure to tell me that Kenley was okay. I swear to god, at that exact second in my dream, someone sat on my side of the bed and woke me up; startled me awake out of the deep sleep I was in.

In the dream, I remember hearing myself ask her that question and seeing a beautiful wooded trail in my mind. She looked at me and said ” Randi, don’t be sad. How could I be sad; I get to be with Ron (my grandpa), Puffy Joe (their dog), and I get to hold Kenley. As she said those things in my dream I remember seeing in my mind that she was sitting on a bed, with Ron and Puffy Joe; she then stood up and walked to a crib and picked up my baby girl. I saw her.

I haven’t dreamt of Kenley since I lost her.

This gets even more weird…

When I woke up, I had a text from my sister asking me ” Do you ever dream of Kenley?”. She said that she sent me that text earlier in the morning when she was looking at her back deck and saw a Cardinal.

Coincidence? I’m not sure.

I’d like to think that was my baby girl just letting me know she was okay.

who do I have?

Posted by Randi

Last night we went for a little walk around our property. We walked back to our garden, and checked out what it looked like from last summers terrible season. It is grown up, and dead; tomato steaks still in their rows. I don’t know why, but our christmas tree was in there. Maybe it blew over there off of our burn pile some windy day, or maybe it decided to walk itself over there (weirder things have happened in my life, hello). Ugh…upcoming Christmas; That’s a post for a whole different day.

We talked about if we wanted to plant a garden this year. Usually we plant tomatoes, cabbage, peppers, cucumbers, corn and a variety of pumpkins. We also plant giant russian mammoth sunflowers; these are my favorites because they grow super tall and the bloom is bigger than my hands! After we looked at the garden, Landon started chasing a bird through the yard. Wilbert ran after him, and Shane as well. As I stood there watching all 3 of them playing, I couldn’t help but feel sadness.

Sadness that I should have her in my arms, and she should be sucking on her little fingers; she should be cooing and squirming all around just begging for me to put her down in the grass. But, she’s not. She’s not here, and she will never experience those things. She won’t get up from wrestling with her daddy in the grass and have it all in her hair. I won’t be able to wipe it off of her clothes like I had to for Landon. When I see Shane and Landon interact and play together, it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Shane has Landon…who do I have?

No one.

She was stolen from me; ripped from our lives without any fucking warning. She was going to be my forever best friend. I didn’t just lose my daughter, I lost so much more.

I lost so. much. more.

The love that I have for Shane and Landon is immeasurable; they are the reason I am still alive and trying to rebuild myself through the aftermath of this storm. I love seeing them together, and watching Landon enjoy Shane’s company.

I just thought that I was going to have that with Kenley…and I never will.

It hurts to think about it; like the kind of hurt that burns your chest and gives you the lump in your throat. Except the pain doesn’t pass; I have to feel this type of grief forever. Yeah sure, life goes on. We will hopefully have more children someday, but what about this everlasting grief? I know it will lessen. I know that a new child will bring joy to our lives like we never expected. But, I have this round hole in my heart that life will try to fill with square pegs forever.

It will get better, but it won’t quite fit right.