ivf

monitoring 2.

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Well, today looked better than Thursday.

My left ovary has been an over-achiever, and had the two lead follicles on Thursday. So, a recap of what we had on Thursdays’s scan was:

Right Ovary- 12, 10, 9 and the Left Ovary- 18, 17, 10

That shows the RE that my left ovary was being an asshole and hogged all the meds and those two follicles grew too fast. It wasn’t looking good on Thursdays scan.

Today, however, I had :

Right Ovary-15, 15, 13, 10 and Left Ovary- 22, 22, 12, 9

We had two smaller follies pop up into the good “range”. What Dr.J decided is that we are going to let the two 22mm follies “go”. We are going to focus on the other six and hope that they all get to where he is comfortable with them. I am going to continue my meds tonight, and Sunday night. I will go back on Monday @ 10:45am for another scan and blood work. I’m also still taking the shots to keep my body from ovulating on its own. I will take that shot tomorrow morning, and Monday morning as well. I had to call and have 2 more Ganirelix overnighted from Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy.

Also, my uterine lining is 8.3 which is good. I’m starting to feel a little…hopeful? Cautiously optimistic? I’m not sure what it is yet.

Come on Ovaries…you can do it.

peyton

So, I guess we will see what things look like on Monday at my scan. There’s nothing I can do to change anything that is happening. It’s out of my hands now – Fuck yeah Science!

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Also, because I know you’re wondering what an ovary with follicles on it looks like:

(No, this is not my ovary)

ovarianstimulation

 

flowers.

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Last year at this time I was just a few weeks pregnant. My front flower beds always grew up with pricker bushes; mutant ones who don’t die when you spray them. I remember my mom busted her ass pulling them all out for me while I was in the bathroom puking. I let them all grow back because I was too sick the entire pregnancy to get out there and do anything to them. I had landscapers come in and quote me on redoing the front, and they ranged from 3-6k. Nope.

This summer, I spent almost every day outside in the early spring. I kept looking at my flower beds thinking that I needed to do something with them. So, one day, I did. I was just so sick of them looking like shit, and feeling bad about them. I weeded, laid landscaping fabric, sprayed the other weeds, etc. I went to the store and bought a ton of flowers and planned where they would go. After that was all done, Landon and I went to buy mulch with Shane’s truck. I mulched the entire flower bed, around the trees, and in front of the windows. I did 98% of this by myself.

Not trying to throw Shane under the bus or anything,  I just did it myself. I had to. In some weird way it was like I had control over something, finally. It was a lot of freakin hard work, and I pretty much wanted to quit every second. I remember starting and was clearing out in front of the windows, Kenley’s windows. I stood up and could see through the blinds to her closet. I saw her bright pink curtain, and the exersaucer my friend Caroline bought for her. It was like slow motion; I saw the stuff but didn’t really realize I saw it? It hurt – A lot.

I think part of me wanted to continue the landscaping every day so that I could be near her window; So I could have an excuse to look in if I felt like it. I love her room so much. Both windows in the front of the house are her windows. I go out every single morning and water my flowers, and look through her blinds. I hate how different my life is this June, in comparison to last June. It is so incredibly unfair.

I’m sitting here tonight, completely alone, watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Completely alone, no sweet baby inside of me like last June. Instead, just a bunch of follicles trying to help me achieve another child.

Landon is with my Mother in law tonight, and tomorrow morning is more IVF monitoring. I’m hoping for some sort of miracle at the scan, but I just don’t have any hope. I don’t know what will happen to this cycle, and I just need to know. I need to plan things out.

It’s so weird to think that my life is so much different then last year at this time, yet it’s almost completely the same. Looking in, everything is the same. Shane, Landon and I are all still here; Everything is the same. We just have a nursery that our dead child will never use. It’s a huge smack in the face.

It is like nothing has changed, but every single thing has. a24e4ee918c1ac347a4e8291df26f7c6

 

 

monitoring 1.

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Last night, Landon stayed with my mother in law. Shane and I had our first monitoring appointment for this IVF cycle @ 9:15; our office is 40ish minutes from the house so it was easier that way for everyone.

When we got there, it was shit news from the get go.

Let me refresh everyone on what we were working with-

13 follicles at my baseline AFC (meaning, potentially, 13 of those could be growing evenly and possibly be retrieved) and everything else looked good.  I have stimmed (taken shots) for 4 days. The hope was that everything would be growing evenly and just going to town in there.

Nope.

My right ovary had 3 follicles (12mm, 10mm ,9mm) and my left had 3 as well (18mm , 17mm, 10mm). They need to be 15mm to be able to be retrieved and mature properly. So what happened was two of my follicles hogged all the freakin medicine. My RE almost canceled me. I don’t know what to expect on Saturday when we go in again for monitoring.

The plan is to start medicine to stop my body from ovulating on its own (took my first dose this morning at like 10am), increase my follistim to 425, and my menopur to 2 vials, and hope against all odds that the two lead follicles slow the hell down, and let the other ones catch up in size.  My E2 came back at 408 which they said was good and felt comfortable continuing.

I don’t know what happened to my 13 in there. Six follicles- Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? All this money were spending, all the time, all the shots, all the trips to the RE…and I have 6 growing. It’s not good. The hope is to get as many good quality eggs as possible, but well…I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.

If things still look this way on Saturday, we will probably trigger that night, and do an egg retrieval on Monday morning. I really want to believe that my eggs are good quality because I’ve never had that issue, I’m young, and I’ve been taking a shit ton of vitamins for a really long time now.

The plan (I use this word VERY loosely) is to retrieve the eggs on Monday, and go for a 3 day transfer of TWO embryos, which I won’t lie, scares the hell out of me. Implanting two good quality embryos in me, a healthy 30 year old with no issues except low egg count, will more than likely result in twins. I’m just feeling defeated.

I just want to cry. Today hasn’t been good, and to have this IVF cycle go to shit really just takes the wind out of my sails. Come on life, I barely have any as it is.

love.

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I remember falling in “love” for the first time in 6th grade. I thought that was it; I would love this person for the rest of my life! He was the one who made me happy (whatever that was in 6th grade- pretty sure it was holding my hand haha), and made me laugh.  I remember the feeling of complete happiness I felt when I would get to school and sit next to him in class; how happy I was to go home and talk to him on the phone after school. Such a strong feeling for 6th grade. Oh 6th grade self, if you only knew.

As time went on, I realized that the 6th grade love wasn’t going to last, and I “loved” other people. When I met Shane my senior year in High School, it was so different. I loved him so incredibly much, and felt so strongly about him. He made me laugh, smile, loved the same music as I did, and we just had a lot in common. He was the one; I knew it. I fell hard for Shane. I withdrew from college, and moved to Columbus to be closer to him after we had only known each other for 4 months.

Six years, and a lot of moving around later, we were engaged. I never doubted that I wanted to spend forever with Shane, not one time. I still don’t. 12 years later we still love each other like we did the first day we met, just differently. He’s going to be such an amazing dad to Landon as he grows up, and to our future living children. He was an amazing father to Kenley –  He still is, and always will be. I know how much he loves her, and it warms my heart.

When I found out I was pregnant with Landon, I was so happy. I thought I didn’t want children, until I met Shane’s family and saw how they got along so well. I knew I wanted that. When I had Landon, I felt a love so strong that it’s impossible to describe. It was a different type of love. I was so concerned with how I was going to love a child more than I loved Shane. When Landon was born, I realized it wasn’t more or less that I loved him, it was differently. I loved Landon so much differently than I loved Shane.

When we found out we were pregnant with our second baby (first miscarriage), we were so happy. I felt that surge of love again. I knew I had a lot of feelings about a new baby. I was nervous, and scared. How would I love this baby as much as I loved Landon? How do you split your love between two children? We eventually miscarried this baby, and we were heart broken. That was a new level of pain that I had hoped to never experience in the first place, let alone 2 more times.  We lost another baby to a chemical pregnancy. Another knife in my heart.

When we got pregnant with Kenley, it was different. Things progressed well. She had a normal heartbeat, and all her ultrasounds were normal. There was no reason for us to be concerned past my loss milestone dates. When we found out she was perfect genetically speaking, we were thrilled. We knew she was it. She was our Rainbow. I was worried again about giving her as much love as Landon. How was it possible? I came to peace with that fear, and I knew that I would once again love them differently, but just as fiercely as the other. When I found out Kenley died, I cannot describe the pain I felt. It will forever be the worst thing that happened to me. When I held her lifeless body, I was so in love. She is my daughter and she would never know pain from the outside world. I loved her so incredibly much. I will love her forever with the same intensity as the first time I saw her beautiful face.

Now I can say that I love them both the same, but differently. I love Landon as my living child, and Kenley as the child who lives in my heart (along with her 2 siblings). I will never get to physically mother Kenley like I get to with Landon, but that doesn’t change the fact that I love her just as intensely. I am forced to love her in unconventional ways, which isn’t fair what so ever. I will always love her differently, and that makes me very sad. I wish she was here to let me love her in the traditional sense. I want to kiss her sweet face, and tell her how much I love her while rocking her to sleep at night. I want to tickle her belly and hear her laugh. I want the sloppy open mouth kisses from her. I will forever long for her to be here in my arms.

I’m so thankful that I know this love, though. True Love.

I love my children with every fiber of my being. All four of them. 

first. 

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First shot down, 3 more days to go. Then, ultrasound/bloodwork and more shots.  T-10 days until (tentative) egg retrieval. 

I have been so anxious over this. I’m so glad we are moving forward but I hate that we have to be moving anywhere without her. 

I will not let this ruin me.

 Kenley wouldn’t want me to be a ruined Mother. She would want me to be strong. She is the reason I am taking these steps, and I know she is looking out for us. 

I love you baby girl, please keep sending me strength- I so desperately need it. 

steps.

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The title of this post has many meanings; let me explain what I mean.

I was sitting here trying to think of a way to title this post, and I was coming up blank. I knew the things I wanted to write about and I just couldn’t figure it out. Then it came to me – STEPS.

Taking steps moving forward in my life.

Never getting to see Kenley take steps.

Taking steps by walking in a 5k for a woman who lost her daughter, Lydie, to stillbirth.

Steps. 

If you write it out enough, it just doesn’t even look like a word. You know how if you say a word too much it starts to sound weird, or not like a word? Same for when you spell it out over and over, it just looks weird eventually. I feel that way about repeating that my daughter is dead over and over. Kenley is dead. She died. I will never have her here with me on this earth again. It just doesn’t make fucking sense.

On October 1st, the woman who lost her daughter that I mentioned above has set up a 5k/1mile/kids dash in Columbus. All proceeds benefit the Star Legacy Foundation for stillbirth research and education. I want to participate in this so incredibly much. I want to start a team for Kenley. I feel a special connection to this woman, Heather, for many reasons.

She is from our area, she has also lost her beautiful daughter, and the most fucked up reason of all? She and her Husband were the people who raised the money to donate Cuddle Cots to the hospital system where we had Kenley. Kenley used a cuddle cot, which lengthened her stay with us in the room.We spent approximately 2 days with Kenley.  Heather and her Husband only spent 6 hours with their daughter. Six Hours. For her entire life, she will only have those 6 hours with her daughter. It breaks my heart that she did not have this item and was not able to spend more time with her daughter, but I am beyond thankful that I was given that opportunity because of them.

If you’re interested in walking in this 5k/1mile walk here is the information:

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I’ve been seeing a lot of babies around Kenley’s age lately. There seems to be an abundance of them at T-ball games. It crushes my soul each time I see a cute little girl, in a cute little sundress and headband being carried lovingly by their mother. It should be me. I should be carrying Kenley around, enjoying every single second of it. Instead I’m envious of the other mothers. It pains me to look at them, and be near them. I’m not a mean person, and I’m not mad that they have their children; I don’t wish what happened to us on my worst enemy. It’s just the worst pain there is, I’m almost 100% sure of it. I look away, I look at the ground, any thing to avoid the happy family with the daughter that I should have. The families who never had an issue having their sweet daughter, who never had to hear the worst words in the world – ” Unfortunately, there is no heartbeat”.

Yeah, good choice of words doctor. Unfortunately. I want to punch that doctor in her stupid face. I will forever hold this against her as a person. Have a little fucking compassion. There needs to be a change in medical care in regard to dealing with these issues because they are real, and they happen. Don’t tell me my daughter died in the middle of triage, where the rooms are separated by curtains. Don’t let me sit there and hear the other ladies being monitored with their beautiful children hearts beating on the monitors.

Some times I literally cannot believe these things have happened to me. To my family. To my husband and my son. To my daughter.

I can’t believe that we have to do IVF in hopes that we someday get to complete our family. I can’t believe that we have NO fertility coverage for IVF and we have to pay every single cent out of pocket. It just seems so unfair after what we’ve gone through. There should be someone with an actual heart who reviews your case and that is how your coverage is decided. You will cover my child’s autopsy report, but you will not cover a single thing related to having a child with infertility issues? It’s sickening, really.

The worst part of all of this is how incredibly fucked up my “Mom” mind is from all of this.

Everything has a direct link to my pregnancy with Kenley, or the fact that she is no longer here with us. Thinking about getting pregnant again is exciting because we will be bringing another child into the world. I’m sure we will feel more joy than we can even imagine right now. But…those thoughts come with thoughts of panic about her nursery, her things, this happening again, or something else happening.

I’m pretty sure that my life is always going to be an ever changing puzzle that I’m never going to figure out – think the Gryffindor stair case that constantly changes in Harry Potter…that’s what I’m sure my life will be forever.

Somedays I don’t have it in me to keep climbing, I won’t lie. I’m hoping as IVF moves along, I will feel more hopeful, more positive.

I just need to work on not letting my guilt pull me under.

 

 

baseline.

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Landon stayed with my mother in law last night for a sleepover with his cousin, Madison. They are a year apart, and get along so well. I’m so thankful that Landon has her to play with. I don’t know what I would do if not. It also give me less anxiety when I leave him there while she’s there as well. It makes me feel like he is going to play with her, and stay out of MIL’s way. I know she enjoys having them both there, but still. I just worry.

We went to the movies yesterday afternoon. We saw X-men: Apocalypse; to anyone who said it was bad, you’re dumb. It was really, really good! Since being with Shane, my movie taste has changed; I’m a super nerd in the movie world now. I guess I like to think of it as he’s shown me what good movies truly are 😉 We had popcorn, and pretzel bites; It was probably the worst we’ve eaten in like 4 months. So worth it! After the movie, we went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. I enjoy spending time with Shane anywhere we are, but the movies and dinner are my favorite places. We have to drive in the car together to go to those places and I enjoy that as well 🙂

After that we came home and just relaxed. We watched the Cavs suck it up big time, and went to bed.

This morning we were up at 7, and out the door at 8 for my RE appointment. After waiting about an hour to be seen, we were taken back to the room. I always fear that they’re going to put me in Kenley’s room; the room where we had our IUI and got pregnant. Thankfully they didn’t put us there this time. Although I’ve been in there since, so I guess it doesn’t really matter; just another one of those “things” that happens to your brain after a loss.

We waited for Dr. J, and when he came in we started the scan. 8 follicles on my right ovary, and 5 on my left. I will take that – AFC was 13 total. My lining was 4.4 which they said was fine. I had blood work drawn, which came back ok and was cleared to start shots on Sunday night! I had the IVF nurse show me how to mix my Follistim and Menopur to make one shot, and we were on our way.

I feel better.

I was anticipating a terrible AFC count or something being wrong that would stop us from starting IVF; I was dreaming up this awful scenario in my mind of what was going to go wrong. Can you blame me? I didn’t think so. 

So, things look well. We set up all of my monitoring appointments for the next two weeks .( 3 trips to the RE in 5 days. 40 minutes each way. All appointments during rush hour….) So now I have to give my MIL a new copy of the calendar and set up with her to keep Landon during these appointments as Shane wants to be with me for them if at all possible.

I feel K with me today. I feel her telling me it’s ok to move forward. I know she would want me happy, but I can’t help but always think of my desire for her.

I really wish I didn’t have to give her back. I would have been the best mother to her.

I miss her so incredibly much.

random thoughts.

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I feel like I have all these things to say that are so random. So many things on my mind, and no real structure to write them out in. It’s so annoying; I shouldn’t have these types of things on my mind. No one should have to think them. Forgive this post as it is very very random and probably makes no sense. I just need to get it out.

Tomorrow, I go for my baseline ultrasound (the RE checks my uterine lining, checks my blood work, and answer any questions I may need answered). If everything checks out well, we will start our shots (Follistim and Menopur) on Sunday. Stabbing myself with needles does not scare me; what scares me is the simple fact that we are moving on. We’re doing this again.

IVF is intense; it’s a lot to take on without the added grief of losing Kenley. I think starting IVF (had we not lost K) would have been seen as exciting, and given me so much hope. Now, in the after, it just leads to stress, anxiety, guilt, fear and exhaustion. I’m excited at the possibility of having another child, obviously. I’m very lucky to be able to even go through with IVF. I know all of these things. It doesn’t matter; I can’t help the way I feel when thinking of going through it all again.

I could be pregnant very soon. So what does that mean? Oh, Right…vomiting, food aversions, food cravings, more vomiting, pubic bone pain (Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction) and a lot of other really uncomfortable things, like peeing every 3 minutes. I get to be pregnant, again, approximately 6 months after giving birth to my dead child. I get to spend 9 months in straight fear of losing this child, if were even lucky enough to get pregnant again. I loved being pregnant with Landon, and I loved it even more with Kenley. Sure, she made me sick up until the day I had her, but I enjoyed every second she spent inside of my body.

There are just so many random things going through my mind. A woman who I follow on WordPress wrote about her son, and his “things”. His physical things; the crib, the clothes, the grave, the ashes. She spoke of them and how it was hard for her to go to his grave; that she just did not find comfort in it. It breaks her down emotionally for days to come after she leaves. I get that; it is exactly why we did not bury Kenley. I couldn’t because I know for a fact that I would be there, every day, crying. I don’t think that I would be able to function. I would feel incredible guilt not going, or when I left.

I don’t know if it’s any better that she was cremated and sits on my dresser. I don’t know…Is there any good way to lay your dead child to rest? Nope, there isn’t. No matter what, you’re always going to feel some sort of guilt, or shame about your choice. Someone commented on her post and I swear it could have been me writing the post. It made me think; I know logically that Kenley is not her ashes. I know that they are just that- her ashes. But it is physically the only thing I have left of her. I think that I cling to them, and feel connected to her when I kiss them goodnight. I have nothing else, what else am I to do?

I printed her picture out and it’s now sitting on my night stand. I looked at it on my phone every night, but taking that step to actually print it out and physically have it took a lot of courage. I cannot tell you why it took me so long to do that; I literally have no idea why. I just couldn’t do it for some reason. Maybe it made it feel too real. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I didn’t want to take on the task of finding a picture frame that was fucking worthy of holding my dead daughters picture.

It’s never just as easy as taking the step; there are 1,000 things to think of before you move your feet. And sadly, it’s going to be that way for a long ass time. I’m sure the things I “need” to do before taking steps will decrese. Maybe one day it will be 500 things,then 200 things, and maybe one day I will just be able to take that step with out all of the other shit in my mind. Maybe one day I will have clairty and be able to make choices without considering ALL the things first.

I hate that I think of IVF and think anything other than “I’m so excited to try and get pregnant again”.

I don’t know that I will ever be “excited” to try again. Maybe one day I will feel that twinge of excitement, but for now I’m fucking terrified.

And I’m allowed to feel that way.

So please don’t tell me I should appreciate the opportunity, or be happy that I have a living child already. Don’t tell me that I need to feel hopeful; or that “life goes on”.

Because I know those things.

I shouldn’t even have to worry about those things. 

 

starting ivf.

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Well…It’s that time. Tomorrow I will take my last birth control pill, and Friday I go in for my first monitoring appointment of this IVF cycle.

Shit is getting real.

To say that I’m terrified is an understatement. I’m in the “so much terrible shit has happened to me, why would it change now?” camp. I mean, realistically, I know that the “odds” are in our favor; the chances of a future child being stillborn are not increased. We will be seeing an MFM (maternal fetal medicine high risk OBGYN) doctor at OSU, and will be very closely monitored through the entire pregnancy. I will deliver at 37 weeks. I feel that things will go better this time, but what if they don’t.

Shane and I are both feeling the intensity of IVF. Maybe not IVF itself, but the whole uncertainty of it all. There is so much that goes into an IVF cycle. My infertility plays a huge role in the way that I’ll respond to medicine, and the eggs we will retrieve. I could have nothing. We could have paid all of this money, gone through all of this stress just to end up with no good quality eggs. I know that this is something we are risking, but I do feel “hopeful” for this cycle because of my age, and the fact that I carried two children to term.

On Friday my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) will check the lining of my uterus. He will check the way my AFC (antral follicle count is a transvaginal ultrasound study that measures a woman’s ovarian reserve, or her remaining egg supply) looks.  In April my AFC was 13. When I got pregnant with Kenley it was 12. So, I’m happy to see that it’s not drastically declining. I’m hoping that this means I will have a decent response to the meds.

I am considered DOR (diminished ovarian reserve), meaning I have low egg counts. My blood work is all normal, with the exception of my AMH being low for my age (AMH blood levels are thought to reflect the size of the remaining egg supply).

IVF isn’t just about “getting pregnant” for me, it’s about completing our family. It’s going to be incredibly difficult to be pregnant again; I just know the anxiety and worry I will feel. I think about things like what will happen when it comes time to put that child into the crib that we purchased for their older sibling who died. How will I feel using that room for a childs nursery?

I think about the brand new hand-me-downs. 

Just hearing that is like a stab in the heart.

This whole process is going to be so long and intense for us. I know that we can survive it, because we’ve survived this far.

Here we go again, Life.

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