dreaming.

Posted by Randi

There is a song by The Black Keys called “Your Touch” that is one of my favorites. There is a place in the video where they stop the song and show the band sitting at a diner table talking. One asks the other “so, how do you feel about being dead?“, at which time the other member replies “I don’t know, my neck hurts”.

It made me laugh today; Yeah, I straight up LOL’ed. In my mind I was thinking, “that is so fucking funny”. I’m not sure why; in the “after” I usually get weird feelings when I hear things about death/dying. This was different, like…I don’t know.

It was like he was saying “whatever no biggie that I’m dead, I’ve just got this terrible neck ache”.

I guess that’s just my humor, and I’m pretty happy that I laughed at it to be honest. I felt like myself for that 2.5 seconds during the song.

Last night I had a dream that my Grandma died. (Grandma, if you’re reading this, this is why I’ve called you 2 times today! Answer your phone!) Since I’ve lost Kenley, I can’t sleep at night without medicine. I don’t want to lay in bed and think about the tragedy that came about in my life; I want to lay there, and fucking fall asleep. Zero thoughts in my brain. The medicine works about 75% of the time…the other 25% of the time I cannot shut my brain off. I am overcome with the most terrible thoughts; It’s like the worst day of my life is on a loop. All I can hear is the Doctor telling me “this is where her heart is, and there is no activity. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a heartbeat”over and over and over. It cuts through me like a knife.

Anyway, the dream.

Grandma died, and was somehow able to attend her funeral. It wasn’t the actual funeral, but the gathering that happens afterwards. It was in a giant room with rectangle tables, and all of my family there. Grandma sat across from me at the table, me sobbing uncontrollably (I remember the crying in my dream being the exact cry that I had when I lost Kenley- uncontrolable sadness…), her holding my hand gently and talking to me about anything and everything. I asked her when she had to leave me for good, if she would make sure to tell me that Kenley was okay. I swear to god, at that exact second in my dream, someone sat on my side of the bed and woke me up; startled me awake out of the deep sleep I was in.

In the dream, I remember hearing myself ask her that question and seeing a beautiful wooded trail in my mind. She looked at me and said ” Randi, don’t be sad. How could I be sad; I get to be with Ron (my grandpa), Puffy Joe (their dog), and I get to hold Kenley. As she said those things in my dream I remember seeing in my mind that she was sitting on a bed, with Ron and Puffy Joe; she then stood up and walked to a crib and picked up my baby girl. I saw her.

I haven’t dreamt of Kenley since I lost her.

This gets even more weird…

When I woke up, I had a text from my sister asking me ” Do you ever dream of Kenley?”. She said that she sent me that text earlier in the morning when she was looking at her back deck and saw a Cardinal.

Coincidence? I’m not sure.

I’d like to think that was my baby girl just letting me know she was okay.

who do I have?

Posted by Randi

Last night we went for a little walk around our property. We walked back to our garden, and checked out what it looked like from last summers terrible season. It is grown up, and dead; tomato steaks still in their rows. I don’t know why, but our christmas tree was in there. Maybe it blew over there off of our burn pile some windy day, or maybe it decided to walk itself over there (weirder things have happened in my life, hello). Ugh…upcoming Christmas; That’s a post for a whole different day.

We talked about if we wanted to plant a garden this year. Usually we plant tomatoes, cabbage, peppers, cucumbers, corn and a variety of pumpkins. We also plant giant russian mammoth sunflowers; these are my favorites because they grow super tall and the bloom is bigger than my hands! After we looked at the garden, Landon started chasing a bird through the yard. Wilbert ran after him, and Shane as well. As I stood there watching all 3 of them playing, I couldn’t help but feel sadness.

Sadness that I should have her in my arms, and she should be sucking on her little fingers; she should be cooing and squirming all around just begging for me to put her down in the grass. But, she’s not. She’s not here, and she will never experience those things. She won’t get up from wrestling with her daddy in the grass and have it all in her hair. I won’t be able to wipe it off of her clothes like I had to for Landon. When I see Shane and Landon interact and play together, it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Shane has Landon…who do I have?

No one.

She was stolen from me; ripped from our lives without any fucking warning. She was going to be my forever best friend. I didn’t just lose my daughter, I lost so much more.

I lost so. much. more.

The love that I have for Shane and Landon is immeasurable; they are the reason I am still alive and trying to rebuild myself through the aftermath of this storm. I love seeing them together, and watching Landon enjoy Shane’s company.

I just thought that I was going to have that with Kenley…and I never will.

It hurts to think about it; like the kind of hurt that burns your chest and gives you the lump in your throat. Except the pain doesn’t pass; I have to feel this type of grief forever. Yeah sure, life goes on. We will hopefully have more children someday, but what about this everlasting grief? I know it will lessen. I know that a new child will bring joy to our lives like we never expected. But, I have this round hole in my heart that life will try to fill with square pegs forever.

It will get better, but it won’t quite fit right.

21 weeks.

Posted by Randi

I can’t believe it’s been so long, sweet baby girl. It’s impossible. Some days it doesn’t feel like you were ever here, but part of my soul is missing so I know that you were. You were real. You are loved. You will always be my daughter.

Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week; It should be my favorite. Shane is off work at 1:30, he comes home, we go out to dinner and go shopping. It’s a very very good day. But, I had Kenley on a Tuesday. She was with us every time we went out on a Tuesday. After we had her, we tried to go back to “normal” and went out. I’ll never forget it; We went to BW3’s and the host said “just you three today?”… Ouch. It made me ugly cry right when we sat at our table. That was one of the first triggers I had when we started going out again.

We usually go to Toys r us and let Landon buy something or get him a book. We went there every week while I was pregnant; Start to finish. The same women worked there the entire time. They saw us each time. They commented on my pregnant belly, and saw me waddling around. They knew I was pregnant. What do they think now? Now that it’s just us three again…after 9 months…we don’t have a baby, but they knew we were pregnant. Same goes for the restaurants/other stores we would frequent. The same people worked there and took care of us. They saw me; they knew we were expecting.

I’m not expecting those people to be like “hey! where’s your baby?”…I’m assuming they might know deep down what happened. It all kind of comes back to the “do I look better than I feel” thing. I feel awful; empty, alone, and just like complete fucking shit. I’m able to carry myself better in public now, and I don’t cry randomly over things anymore. I still cry, a lot, but I really try to hold it together when we’re out.

I don’t know; this whole thing is just so hard to navigate. Like I’ve said before, it just feels like everyone should know. I’m sure this is the case with other people and their losses (of children, parents, friends, etc…). You just feel so shitty that you expect everyone to just be able to pick up on it. But, even if they do pick up on it…what am I expecting? Am I expecting some random stranger to be like “I’m so sorry you lost your daughter“- No. But on the other hand, yeah, maybe I am.

Wouldn’t it be helpful if we just had giant neon signs we had to wear above our heads that alerted the other humans what we’re going through?

The closer I get to the 6 month mark, the weirder everything gets. Six months is coming up. She will be dead for six months. That’s 75% of the time I carried her. How is it almost June? I have not been present the past 6 months; it doesn’t feel like my time is moving like other peoples. Has this past 21 weeks gone by super slow for some people? It just seems like my life is in fast forward; like I’m emerging from the aftermath of a tornado.

I feel like I’m constantly having an out of body experience, but it’s just my life “after” Kenley.

housework.

Posted by Randi

I was so sick while pregnant with Kenley. From the very beginning I was throwing up and completely exhausted. I figured as time passed I would move out of that phase- wrong. I continued to be sick with her up until the week she was born. I remember thinking “holy shit, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and still puking my brains out- wtf?!”.

I gained around 11 lbs very quickly because the only thing I could eat was carbs. Give me all the bagels! But then I started getting really nauseous and couldn’t eat anything so I lost 17 lbs. I remember her pregnancy being far worse for food aversions than Landons. I dry heaved a lot with Landon; Kenley was full on sickness in every way.

My pregnancy with Landon was very different than with Kenley. We lived in Dayton, away from both of our families with Landon. I worked full time while carrying him, actually up until 2 days before I had him. With K, I stayed home and took care of Landon. We live near Shane’s family now, and closer to my family as well. This pregnancy was different; it was supposed to be better.

This pregnancy was supposed to be it.

Shane took such good care of me during K’s pregnancy. He took Landon to do fun things, cleaned our house, cooked, did laundry and took care of my complaining ass. Things were so different for both of us this time around. Landon happened very quickly after we were married, and while Shane was still new at his job.

Kenley came after many months, much heart break, and strong desire for a sibling for Landon. It was just supposed to be so different, but not in the way that it was. Somedays I cannot believe this is our life. What happened?

When I’m anxious about something I find myself avoiding housework like the plague. I will wash laundry, fold it, sort it on my bed and leave it there all day. When it comes time for bed, I will put it all back into the laundry basket and set it on the floor. Repeat for like 3-5 days or until what I’m anxious about passes. Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Both weeks leading up to these “holidays”, zero clothes made it to dressers or hangers. ZERO.

Today was therapy again. I’ve told her about the housework avoidance + holiday anticipation thing. She told me to try and “cut back on unnecessary stress” …ummm…impossible? To avoid all things stressful, I would need a maid, and nanny. Oh and a chef.

All things cause stress now a days- maybe she failed to see that? I think it’s the nature of the beast that is child loss. I have random triggers. I cry at the most random times and for random reasons. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have them now. Sure, they will lessen or I will be able to handle them better, but they will always be here now.

What would really help right now is a vacation. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately and I need to get away. I want to take Shane, board a plane and lay on a beach for a few days. I want to feel normal for 5 fucking seconds. I want to enjoy being married to my husband for a few days like “before”. I obviously still enjoy being married to him VERY much (this has not changed), but we’re both sad. All the time- in our own way. We both need it, but it just seems unrealistic right now.

Going on vacation would be nice, but it feels like a band aid fix. Life before K felt like a vacation most of the time; it was so relaxing and enjoyable.

I will forever long for what we had in our “before”, including our beautiful baby girl.

Our first daughter.

5.V.cinco.cinq.

Posted by Randi

Last night at Landon’s T-ball game there was a stroller on the other teams side. I tried to avoid it like the plague. I mean, not even glancing in that direction. Well, that proved to be impossible; it was like a fucking magnet for my eyes. I couldn’t stop glancing over at it. Of course it would be a little girl. Of course she would be approximately 5-7 months old. Of course.

Kenley should be 5 months old today.

I heard that little girl cooing, making the typical baby noises and it cut me like a knife. I mean immediately made me feel hot, anxious and dizzy. Fucking anxiety. I eventually was able to focus on Landon’s game once the baby stopped making noise. The rest of the night I just felt down and out; completely hopeless about the future. Sometimes it hits me harder than others. I will think about the past, about what we have gone through already and where we are headed. It is all so heavy.

I shouldn’t be here; I shouldn’t be worried about anything but my two beautiful children. Instead, I’m here…in this weird place. The place that I now call home; my new life after the loss. I have no concept of time, and I don’t know that this will ever change. The past 5 months have been a blur, yet felt so slow. Every day that I wake up I realize what my new life is. I realize how truly sad I am. The medicine does a good job of taking off the edge, I won’t lie. But I miss her more than anything in the world. I never expected to feel the depths of a loss like this.

It’s dark in the “after” ; my heart and soul feel so empty, and completely…I don’t know. Alone? Sad? Hopeless? All of the above, I suppose. I recognize that there are better days now; the early days were terrible. Scary even. I have never felt that pain before, and now I carry that pain daily. The grief is a daily occurrence. The guilt is a daily occurrence. The sadness is a daily occurrence. Saying her name, without her being here, is a daily occurrence. It is a life sentence. It will never be the same; never like before.

I don’t want it to be like before. That means I would have never known her; never have loved her. If it was like before, I wouldn’t have held her, or known what her body felt like against mine. I wouldn’t know her beautiful face. I would have never traced her lips with my fingers, or ran my hands over her beautiful auburn hair. Never known how much she looked like her Big Brother.

My Sweet K. I wish I could have saved you.I would do anything to see you one more time. I would have given my life in a split second to give you life. I wanted nothing more than to be your Mommy. I wanted to love you forever, and I will…just not in the way I could have ever imagined.

Today is a hard day.

starting again.

Posted by Randi

When we first started trying for Kenley, I figured I’d get pregnant immediately. How wrong I was. Two and a half years, multiple medicated cycles and a few procedures later we were pregnant. Finally! I don’t think I’ve ever felt as happy as the moment I heard her heartbeat.

When we lost her, Shane and I were devastated. I knew in the back of my mind, behind all of the shock, that we would try again for another child. When you have a stillborn child, I think you go through about 1,000 emotions all at the same time. Very high highs, and the lowest of lows. This beautiful human being that you carried for the last X amount of time is coming into the world; not in the way you want, but still arriving.

All of the love and effort I put into making her was finally being realized. When they placed her into my arms it was the best and worst moment of my life. It will forever be that moment, I’m 100% sure of it. To finally see her beautiful hair, and to see if she matches her 3D ultrasound photos was the moment I had longed for the entirety of my pregnancy. I just wish I could have kept her.

As time is ticking on, we’ve decided to move forward with IVF. We have no insurance coverage for IVF, so we are taking on a loan to pay for this. In a dream world (ha!) this process will give us enough good quality embryos to freeze 2-3. I’m not sure what will happen, but if we get more than one, I’m pretty sure we’re going to have all of the babies. If I get 4, it looks like we’re having 4 more kids.

Losing Kenley made me realize just how much I want a big family. Sure, I’m probably not the best mom, and I’m sure I lose my cool more than I should…but I try. I make the effort- day after day. Every day I wake up, love on my child, feed him, get him ready for school, and the rest of the day goes the same way. I take care of Landon and help him learn. It’s the greatest feeling in the world; that is why I will be trying to complete our family with the embryos we are lucky enough to freeze (if any…).

Thinking about IVF is exciting. Terrifying. Amazing. The best and worst all in one. I few as if we are moving forward without Kenley. Leaving her behind; forgetting her. I know this isn’t true, as this future child will be her sibling, too. It’s just hard to think about. She should be 5 months old. Rolling around, enjoying bath time, growing up right before my eyes. But she’s not, and never will be. Shane and I know we want to give Landon (and Kenley) a sibling. Landon deserves it. Our family deserves it. I fucking deserve it.

I should be going in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work this week. I’m hoping everything looks phenomenal, and that possibly things have improved even slightly; anything to improve our chances. I’m doing everything in my power to help our chances, so here’s hoping it pays off.

I’m taking so many vitamins it’s ridiculous. 600 mg CoQ10 ubiquinol, 3,000 mg açai extract, 75 mg DHEA, 2,000 IU Vitamin D3, 500 mg Vitamin C, 400 mcg folic acid, and a prenatal. I am hoping that the full 4-5 months of these really helps our chances. If IVF fails for us, I will be crushed. I have confidence in my doctor, and his lab. But, confidence does shit for how the body actually responds to medication.

I’m hoping this week will provide us will good news, a new IVF calendar, and hope. The all consuming hope. Hope is a fucked up thing; it leads to false confidence in a way. Quite honestly, I don’t have it right now and probably won’t feel hopeful until the MFM takes my baby from me at 37 weeks to avoid letting me get to my loss milestone (for sanity reasons).

I don’t know how you’re expected to hold onto hope when you’ve lost a full term child, and you struggle with infertility.

There is no “hope” anymore.

It seems an impossible feat.

gloom.

Posted by Randi

The entire “Holiday” season last year was so weird and warm. When I had Kenley, it was in the 70s- it was December. Today it’s mid May, low 50s, and rainy. Days like today are hard. It reminds me of what I will never have with her.

She will never be here dressed in one of the super warm sleepers that I spent hours shopping for. She will never get to use the blanket her grandma crocheted for her. She will never roll around on one of the quilts her great grandmas made for her. I never have to worry about her being cold because I know that all she knew was the warmth I provided her for 38 weeks and 4 days. The only way I was able to keep my baby warm; the only way I will ever be able to provide for her.

When your child dies, in my case my daughter, you lose not only that child, but the future. You lose the first tooth, the first skinned knee or broken bone. You lose holidays, birthdays, first crushes and subsequently first broken hearts. You lose dress shopping for prom. You lose watching them fall in love and meeting the boy who is never good enough for your daughter. You lose the good choices and the mistakes. You lose engagment, dress shopping, and the wedding.

You just lose it all.

Life after loss is…Weird? Confusing? Awful and Beautiful all at the same time? Time seems to stand still, but then you realize in 3 days that your daughter will be dead for 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. Wait, what? I’m still grieving; I’m still living this fucked up nightmare. How is time continuing without me…without her? It is impossibly hard to watch the seasons change and realize that she will never hear the birds chirp, or feel the warmth of the sun on her face.

It’s even harder to realize that life has to go on. People move forward with their life and what has happened to us becomes a sad memory. I don’t expect people to keep Kenley front and center in their brain, not at all. I realize that I do. She is my all day every day. I can’t change that; I don’t want to change that. There are times where she isn’t the forefront of it all (thank you Landon), but she’s there.

She has become me. I am her. I’m living my life for my dead child. She has changed me and shaped me in ways that I never thought possible; ways I never wanted to imagine in my deepest darkest fears. She gave me stretch marks on my ass and a weird new freckle near my belly button; Physical reminders. When she died, part of me, part of my soul, went with her. I am forever changed because of her.

She made me the mother I am today; The grieving mother. The mother of a stillborn. The mother that often hears “I cannot imagine what you’re going through/how you’re feeling”–Please try to. The mother who is learning how to function again. The mother trying to pick up the pieces of her broken heart.

She made me realize how much I could truly love another child. I loved her in a way I never thought possible; not more than Landon- but differently.

I love her as my daughter.

the process.

Posted by Randi

When Landon was born, he was incredibly difficult to handle. He never slept…ever. He was colicky, had a dairy allergy so he needed the most expensive formula available (of course!) and he was just all around “rough”. Being our first child, I’m sure that we handled things a lot differently than we had planned to handle them with K. I know for a fact we did.

Landon stressed me out beyond belief. It was so bad at a point around 4-6 months that Shane and I seriously considered never having more children. If all my children were going to be this hard, nope. Not going to happen. I went from working since I was 14, to being a stay at home mom. One of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, but the hands down most rewarding job I’ve ever had. I would never trade my choice to stay home for ANYTHING. Eventually things eased up as we become more stable in our life. We lived in our house longer, Shane got settled in his job, etc.

When Landon was two, we decided that we were ready to try again. I had my IUD removed, and we were both a little intimidated by the possibility of getting pregnant immediately like we had with Landon. So, we decided to just “see what happens” from February 2013-August 2013. It seemed like our timing was always perfect. What was happening? Why was I not pregnant yet? At the 6-7 month mark, I had my annual exam with a new OBGYN here in Columbus.

I met with her and told her we had been trying, and I just had a feeling that something was wrong. It had been nearly 7 months of perfect timing and nothing was happening. She told me that until it had been a year, she refused to run any testing on either of us. That didn’t sit well with me, so I went looking for someone else who would take me seriously. I found a woman who agreed to test me. She ran the normal work up, and also ran a test called “Anti-Mullerian Hormone”. When I went in to discuss the results I expected to hear everything was fine; I was wrong.

My AMH level was .58- Normal ranges for a 27 year old woman are 3.20 for the 50% percentile. I was SO far below that. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. I cried and asked what the hell it meant for my fertility. My doctor explained to me that low AMH levels are related to the amount of eggs left in your body. Some doctors say that you need to examine the other pieces of the puzzle to come up with a real conclusion. My other labs came back within normal range, so that was a plus. My doctor said we could try Clomid for a month and see how my body responded. As I had never heard of this infertility DX, or Clomid, I agreed. Ahead we went.

I became pregnant, and miscarried at 5w6d. The pregnancy was ectopic. I ended up in the ER with nurses dressed in full “radioactive” suits (for lack of better words) giving me two shots to kill all living things in my uterus/fallopian tubes. I was terrified. Shane was terrified. This was one of the most painful things I had experienced. This is the time that I found out about my TCF friends. People who had been through what I had, and were continuing to try for a child after a loss/multiple losses. I was given INCREDIBLE information in my early days after our first loss. I will forever be thankful for the women who helped me through the darkness.

We tried again and again…and again and again…Clomid failed me. Letrozole failed me. I was sent to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). It was so intimidating. I was now educated on what the RE would do for us. When we had our first appointment, the RE told me he suggested that we go straight to IVF because my AMH levels were so low. Punch to the Gut. Thousands of dollars to have another child? How is this happening to us? He told us that he would be willing to try one more cycle of Clomid (6 cycles lifetime max due to increased risk of Cancer after that time frame) with an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). I decided that we needed a mental break, and we benched ourselves until January 2015.

This was my last cycle on Clomid. My body responded too well. I went in to be monitored and I had a 26mm follicle (they want them 18-20mm). My doctor told me that it would be useless to do the IUI because the follicle was too big, and probably bad. We canceled the IUI. We were instructed to try on our own, and just see what happened. I ended up pregnant again. My pregnancy tests were very light; They never got darker. I went in for an ultrasound and blood work. A chemical pregnancy was confirmed- another miscarriage. We were heartbroken. Again? How is this happening to us AGAIN. I once again leaned on the women from my board for support and help.

In March I returned to the RE to discuss our plan. He pushed for IVF; I pushed for an injectable medicine cycle with IUI. He told me that he would do 3 for me. He warned me they were expensive (meds+$500 for a cycle). Somehow my insurance covered my Follistim @ $60 copay, instead of the full price. It was an error somewhere; my insurance does not cover fertility medication to be used in any Assisted reproductive technology procedures. My body responded very well to this protocol. I had a 23mm follicle. We triggered my body, and the IUI was set for 36 hrs after the shot. IUI’s are supposed to be “simple”. The catheter is inserted, and the sperm is deposited at the top of your uterus near the fallopian tubes. Piece of cake. Nope.

My cervix was angry, I guess. It took my doctor, and 3 nurses to get the procedure done. 5 minutes turned into 20, and a lot of pain. But finally we were done. Shew. I went home, and had to wait for 2 weeks to take a pregnancy test. The dreaded two week wait. The time where your body and mind play tricks on you and you feel completely insane dissecting every single twinge and pain hoping for a “sign” that you’re pregnant finally. I took a pregnancy test every day after my procedure to test and make sure my trigger shot left my system in a timely manner. It was gone at 7 days past IUI. 8 days past IUI was negative, or so I thought.

My test sat on the counter all day. I came home after like 8 hours and noticed there was a line. Evap line I thought (but hoped I was wrong). I threw it away, and waited for the next morning. I tested. There it was. A real line. Not a squinter, it was there. I was pregnant! That was the first day I knew about my beautiful little girl. That was April 26th, 2015. Things from there were perfect; the entire pregnancy was uneventful. We watched my hcg levels rise appropriately. We heard her heartbeat. We watched as she turned from a blob, to a shrimp, to a gummy bear, to a little human with arms and legs. At 10 weeks we had blood work to test for genetic abnormalities and gender.

When I got the call, the nurse asked “ok, I have the results, are you ready?”. I was so freakin ready. “It’s a girl. Congratulations!”

The most beautiful words I had ever heard. The most beautiful words I will ever hear.

I was having a daughter. I knew at that moment her name would be Kenley. I knew that I would love her forever. I knew I would be her best friend until the day I died. I knew I would do everything and anything for her. Even though she’s the one who died, that will never change.

1 lb.

Posted by Randi

Since Kenley died, I have lost 49 lbs. I cannot seem to get the last pound to officially fall off to make -50. The majority of it fell off in the early days after her death. I just couldn’t eat. Like, food was the least of my worries. I had days where I didn’t eat anything. People reminded me that I had to eat. How could I eat something when my daughter just died? How do you expect me to sit down and enjoy a meal when I just lost a child?

During the week we returned home from the Hospital, multiple people offered to bring us dinners/food. People from Shane’s work brought us food, friends brought us food, and the ladies from my board sent us things. In my head it was like we’re getting food because our daughter died; because these people know that there is a really good chance we won’t be able to take care of ourselves for a little while after this. They were right. They were so right.

I remember at Landon’s birthday party (about a month and a half after we lost K), someone told me I “looked good” because I lost weight. I know this person didn’t mean anything except exactly what they said, you know? But in my head I was screaming “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? OF COURSE I LOST WEIGHT. I LOST MY DAUGHTER. I WANT TO DIE SO EATING IS THE LAST THING ON MY MIND. THANKS”. I find myself thinking things in my head like this quiet often now. The early days were so. incredibly. hard.

It has gotten better now, as time is passing, but sometimes it’s still hard. Sometimes I will look at what I’m eating and just think “yeah, I have no desire to eat that/anything”. There are day’s where I literally forget to eat; those are the bad days. Those are the day’s where I can’t get my head above water. The day’s where I literally just can’t with life. Those days are scary; those are the days I am thankful I’m on medication. The thoughts that accompany loss are not your own.

I’m a happy person. Meeting Shane changed my outlook on life a lot. I have a great life, an amazing, hard working Husband, a wonderful Son, a loving dog and crazy cat. We have financial stability, cars that we love, our home is furnished and decorated exactly how I want it to be, and we have pretty much everything we could want…except our daughter. It’s so fucked up. It’s the ONE thing I would trade everything I own for. The one thing I would sell my soul for; give MY life for…and we can’t have her. How unfair is that? It makes me sound like a toddler throwing a tantrum when I say it out loud, but seriously.

We went for a hike today- 3.75 miles. We took Wilbert, and stopped half way for a picnic. Landon’s poor little legs probably felt like mush. During the walk, I didn’t really think of much. I find that being out on trails and doing things like that keeps my mind occupied but completely empty if that makes any sense. On the way back from our picnic we walked a different trail. After a little while there was a bench to sit on. We took a seat and I read the memorial plaque. It was for Aiden Mckee. A child born on 12/8/04, who passed away on 12/10/04. I just knew that was Kenley telling me she was with us. I cried for a minute or two. If by some chance you know Aiden’s parents, tell them we sat with their boy today.

As we kept walking, we stopped at a tree sign (as we had been doing the whole hike without seeing this tree) and saw a flowering dogwood- The exact tree we planted for Kenley in our yard. Another sign? Sure. The final sign was as we were close to exiting the trail, a Cardinal flew across our path. Whenever I see a cardinal I think of her (along with my Grandpa Ron, thanks to my Grandma’s love of them). Metro parks are very wooded and usually we never see birds on the trails. Well, Kenley made sure we knew she was with us today. I would have given anything to have her wrapped up on me, carrying her the entire way.

I miss her so incredibly much.

Nothing will ever be the same.

19 weeks.

Posted by Randi

A friend from my support board sent this to me the other day. We had been discussing moving through grief. I’ve notice myself feeling in a bad fog on some days, and absolutely terrible on others lately. This picture just really hit home to me. I think I’m looking at my grief trying to find a way to “walk through it”, but in all reality I’m never going to be “through” my grief. Our daughter died. Landon’s sister died. There will always be a shadow of grief over me, over our little family.

9cb42c2e7948646ad00511d19131ecf3

I can see myself in certain stages of grief. Sometimes I feel in the loneliness/isolation/depression area. I will want to be alone just to cry. Just to feel sad. It’s not like I’m wanting to be alone so that someone will say “oh, what’s wrong?” or give me pity, I literally just need to be alone. At that time I have zero desire to be around another human being. I’m beyond thankful Shane understands that.

Today Kenley has been gone for 19 weeks. It does not seem possible. How have that many weeks passed by without her here in our arms? She should be here in a baby swing while I’m struggling to get laundry done or something. I just can’t believe I will never have her. I will never hold her again. I will never get to kiss her sweet head again, or smell her baby smell.

I know it sounds so fucked up- like I only want her. Shane and I are planning to try for another baby, but that baby will never be Kenley. The baby will bring us happiness, and we will love that child more than our own lives…but it will not be Kenley. The harsh reality is that everything I did to prepare for Kenley is now for nothing. She didn’t get to use her bedroom, she will never use it. She won’t grow up here. She won’t beg me to paint her walls a different color “because pink is for little kids”, or ask me to buy her some outrageously expensive comforter that shows off her personality. I don’t get that with her, ever.

Instead, I wear a necklace to remember her. I wear a bracelet that says “mom of an angel”. I have the fox that she was cremated with tattooed on my arm. It’s just so hard to wrap my head around.

I’m extremely close with my Mom, and Sister; They are my best friends. We talk all day, every day. Growing up I just always thought being close to them was normal, but as I got older I realized that some people aren’t fortunate enough to have a great relationship with their mother/sisters. When I found out Kenley was a girl I was SO excited– This is it! I finally have her. My forever best friend. When I found out she died, I lost more than just my child. I lost an entire future filled with “my forever best friend”. I didn’t get to braid her hair, or paint her nails. Seeing Landon cuddle up with Shane, and seeing the look of pure joy in Shane’s eyes when that happens, makes my heart ache for her a little extra.

Life will continue to go on. The weeks keep passing, and I feel like nothing has changed…except everything has.