Earlier this morning Landon handed me a seashell, and said he got it for me. This seashell sits on my buffet next to his baby picture. I said thank you, and acted like I was super impressed for a few, then asked him to put it back on the buffet because I love it there. He walked over and set it down and said ” I’m going to put it next to my baby picture”.

I love his baby picture. I love Kenley’s baby picture too, but in a different way. I got to thinking about the photos we have of Kenley, and realized we don’t have a picture of just Shane holding her. There are photos from NILMDTS of me holding her with him over my shoulder etc, but none of just him holding her. This has been weighing so heavy on me this evening. I will never have a photo of him holding her. Somedays I’m able to look at these things and think “Ok, don’t be so hard on yourself because who the hell thinks of these things in the moment when you’re shocked because your child died”, but other times I think “God…how could I have forgotten to take that photo?!”.

I’ve been missing her really badly lately. Wanting to hold her more than anything in the world. Feeling extremely sad, and beat down about everything. She’s forever going to be baby; as Landon grows she will remain the same in my mind. I will never know what she would look like as a little toddler, or a 5 year old starting Kindergarten. I mean, in a way I do because she looked just like Landon. And honestly? That makes it harder on my heart sometimes. Landon is such perfection in my eyes, he is so beautiful and perfect that it gives my heart a painful jab when I see him being adorable. She will never be here.

The bad days are still here- still very much present. They aren’t as heavy, I guess? I don’t know how to explain it. Friday night was bad, though. I cried for probably 2 hours after I put Landon to bed, and I don’t even know what triggered it. I just got sad. This sucks. This is unfair. This is not how my life should be. This is not how I should be spending my days- very much alone. I should have my girl with me and I should be taking care of her while her big brother is at school.

Monday she will be gone for 8 months. Eight months. 243 days. I have been on this earth, without my beautiful daughter, for far too long. And the worst part?… I have to continue to be without her until the day I die.

A good friend had messaged me the other day asking if we were still planning to walk in Lydie’s Loop ( 5k that a loss mom is putting on here in my town for her daughter, Lydie. I was seriously considering going, and I had asked my parents, my sister, and Shane’s parents to go with us- all who said yes. But…the more that I thought about it, the more intimidated I became. I didn’t feel that I was ready to be around that stuff yet. I’m not ready to be around other loss moms right now. Online, it’s different. I can just leave or close my phone or whatever, whenever I need to.

She told me that she was still interested in it, and she wanted to register in honor of Kenley and our family. I cried. Her and her sister (and I’m not sure who else, if anyone) are planning to register in Kenley’s honor, and it just makes my heart burst with love. Knowing that someone is going to be there for the walk in honor of my sweet girl is so amazing. A huge thank you to Nicky and Jessica. It means the world to me, you will never know.

Today has been one of those days where I just want to lay in bed all day. I’m so thankful for my amazing Husband. He came home from another long day of work, at one of the most stressful jobs in the entire world, and let me nap. Then, he ordered pizza for dinner so I didn’t have to cook anything.

I love you Shane. I know you don’t read this, understandably, but I just love you more than I could ever put into words.

Thank you for being my rock.

Today, well, today can suck it.

7 thoughts on “photos.

  1. Randi, my husband doesn’t read my blog, either. I’ve read a couple entries aloud a couple times, though, usually when I want him to hear the kind words I have for him and how he supports me, as I am, sadly, not very good at telling him myself.

    If you ever do decide you want to see a fellow loss mom in person, you just let me know. Spending time with some of these women are the only shining moments I have these days.

    I am so sorry you don’t have that photo. No, I’m sorry for all the photos you don’t have but flipping should.

    Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Maybe that’s exactly what it is 💜 I didn’t even realize, even though I wrote it out. Ugh. (((Hugs))) thank you for being here. You are such a kind soul, seriously.


  2. I’m watching the stupid MTV music awards and beyonce brought her daughter. Which made me feel so damn sad bc I realized we are going to always miss that special bond with our first daughter, no matter what good things come…it just will never be the same. And our babies didn’t deserve this 💔

    Liked by 1 person

    • Fuckin Beyoncé!! Your daughter doesn’t need to be at the MTV music awards!!!

      I often see women with their daughters and feel the sadness sink in. Pedicures, prom, dances, weddings. All of it. She was supposed to be my best friend and I know you feel the same way. 💔

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m so sorry about your loss. I think you touch on something so incredibly important at the beginning of your post. In the hospital, when you first lose a child, no one thinks long-term. You aren’t thinking about photos, snipping a lock of hair, or taking the baby’s footprints. How could you be? You are simply trying to breathe…breathe without your precious child inside of you…and it is the most numbing and confusing place a mother can be. But afterwards….long after….you cling to any memory you have, any photo you have, to still feel connected to this child. In the hospital where I lost my daughter, they did an amazing job taking care of these memory items for me. And for that, I will be forever grateful. However, come to find out that the reason the nurses and staff are so good about this is because of one woman who, too, lost her daughter and who now runs their Pregnancy Loss program. WOW — talk about one person making an impact. Now, only slightly removed from my own hospital stay, I am motivated to raise funds and work tirelessly to ensure that other moms have these programs in place. I hear stories of families who leave the hospital with nothing…and I can’t imagine that pain. Good for you for continuing to blog about your struggles…wishing you moments of peace and closeness to your daughter.

    Liked by 1 person

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