emotions.

I’ve always been an emotional person; things would always choke me up, or bring me to tears pretty easily. After Kenley died, as I’m sure you can imagine, it’s been about 100x worse. Whatever. It is what it is. I just let the tears flow now whenever I need to. The worst culprit (maybe always?) has been greeting cards. Birthday, Father’s day, Wedding, Sympathy it doesn’t matter. I dread the Holidays for a number of reasons but buying greeting cards pretty much takes the cake.

This week is my little sister’s birthday, and Shane’s birthday. I’m thoroughly looking forward to sobbing like a lunatic in the card aisle of Target or wherever I decide to go.

I’ve been feeling super emotional lately about Kenley’s death. I don’t know if it’s the change in seasons (my guess is yes) or the fact that we’re trying to put our house on the market, or WHAT, but damn. I think I’m just starting to feel so far away from her. Last year during the fall it was my first fall without her…I wondered if she would enjoy crushing the leaves in her little fists, or if she would like to be outside. This year is different. It’s gotten cold pretty early (or has it? I guess it is September already…where has time gone???) and Alden enjoys being outside. She loves to look at the leaves and to grab them whenever we let her. So…it’s very bittersweet. I know that Kenley would have loved these things, and now I get to enjoy Alden doing them. Talk about fucked up.

Alden loves the outdoors; if I put her in her exersaucer outside she just jabbers and coos. It’s sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and yet it’s painful for my momma heart. It’s so unfair that this is how I will always feel- happy with a twinge of sadness. Some days are better than others, and some days are far worse. I am pretty much expecting this Holiday season to be a mine field. I won’t know what will upset me, or what will make me miss my first Daughter. With Alden here, things are softer and harder all at the same time. I know it doesn’t make sense, and honestly I don’t expect anyone to understand what I mean.

I look at her and I can’t believe she is mine. I can’t believe that I got to hand pick her, and now I get to keep her and raise her. I rock her at night, and cry tears onto her perfect little head, all while feeling guilt that I should be happy not sad…but I am happy and not sad, but I’m also a little sad…It’s just so hard.

When she wakes up from a nap and squeals and jabbers until I go pick her up, my heart just explodes with love. And somewhere deep down inside of me though…I’m sad that she’s not my first baby girl. I would never wish Alden was anyone except who she is, and I know that it might sound that way, but it’s just the only way I can describe it.

I love both of my girls, and I want both of them to be here so badly.

Life after loss is so messy, and I’m just really really struggling to keep it clean.

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