old me.

I was talking to a friend last night about the “old us” (before our babies died), and we both agreed that we are no longer those people anymore. I’m still the same shell of a human, yes, but I’m not the same person I was on 12.28.15 vs. 12.29.15….

When I heard my daughter was dead, I died as well. My soul would never to be the same again, my heart would be forever broken, and relationships would be forever changed, irreparable. I felt my entire world change along with those awful words. I would never be able to talk to another mother who hasn’t lost her child and feel “normal” again. In the early days I noticed that people would carefully choose their words when talking to me, but now that Alden is here and we are expecting again it seems that isn’t the case so much anymore.

I’m not asking to be handled with special gloves, but this is my life now and if I don’t seem to be interested in your pregnancy issues, or the fact that your living children are doing X,Y, or Z, please forgive me. There is about one non loss friend that is pregnant currently and I can talk to her about her pregnancy because she has been there for me, she never pushes me to feel a certain way or do a certain thing. She understands my pain, and she checks in on me very often. She brought us food after Kenley died, she came to visit Alden in the hospital. Pretty much all other pregnancy related conversation is just not fun for me.

I’m not a normal pregnant woman anymore. After my first miscarriage I was devastated. After my second I felt defeated. After Kenley died, it all changed. Looking at old photos just reminds me that I was 100% happy at one point in my life, and that on the flip side, I will never be 100% happy again in my entire life. My daughter will always be missing from our life. I’ve also been feeling guilty because when Shane lost Kenley, he lost me too. I don’t want to be this sad; I would much rather NOT be sad and have my Daughter here but that is not going to happen.

People say “it gets easier” or “time heals all wounds”, and to that I say how does it get easier? Please tell me how it’s EVER going to get easier? It’s very simple actually; it’s like a math equation.

me + kenley = happy

me- kenley= not happy

So….seeing as Kenley will never be here again, in the form I need her to be, I will never be fully happy again.

I think people don’t truly understand. Every year, I will hang an ornament on my Christmas tree to remember my Daughter, but I will watch my other children open their gifts. Every year, I will hang her stocking next to all the others, but it will always be empty.

Every year.

Forever.

Her Birthday. Thanksgiving. Christmas. The 4th of July. Everything.

Every should be Christmas program. 7th grade dance. Homecoming. Prom. Everything.

I will never be the woman I was before she died and I have accepted that. I don’t want to be her, because that means I don’t get to know my Daughter.

 

One thought on “old me.

  1. Yep. Hurts to look at old pictures. I was at temple yesterday for the Jewish new year, and they read a list of all the babies who had been born since last Rosh Hashana, including Silas. All I could think of was how the year before, they had not included Sidney’s name, even though he was born too.

    Liked by 1 person

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