Alden had shots on Tuesday. Poor girl! 4 shots and the flu shot. But thank goodness she doesn’t need anymore until she’s one. She is 17.14 lbs and 27.25 inches long. She hasn’t really grown or gained weight too much since her last appt. The doctor said we are at a good age to try and start sleep training her.

The next night I decided I would give it a try. She cried for an hour when I laid her down. I obviously went in to comfort her at timed intervals, but I dunno. I just couldn’t do it. With Landon, I stuck it out and made sure it worked. I put in the effort, listened to him cry for countless nights, over and over…I heard her crying and it broke my heart into a million pieces.

I don’t WANT to sleep train her. I WANT to rock her and cuddle her every night until she’s asleep. I love her smell, and the feeling of her warm little body against mine; my heart beats so hard when I hold her because I just have so much love for her. Sure, it’s hard at 1,3,5, a.m. But, I love her and I wasn’t planning on another baby so it’s hard for me to force myself to sleep train her just because I’m having a new baby.

No, I don’t think I can rock her and rock the baby and get proper sleep. But, I just don’t think I’m ready yet. Maybe I’ll try again in a few weeks…my momma heart broke and I couldn’t do it.

Today, I had an MFM appt. I’m 14+5 and baby looked great. She was moving and dancing all over. I had some repeat blood work done and all looked well. Our next appt is set for 10/26 and it will be the detailed anatomy scan. ALREADY. I can’t believe it. I think I’m still in shock if that’s even possible.

Tomorrow we’re going to walk a piece of property we’ve been looking at. Hopefully we like it, and we can move forward with getting our house ready to sell/building a new home. It’s so hard to make a decision on something like this. If we build it’s going to be our forever home so we need to make sure we’re in love with the land.

The other night I was holding Alden while rocking her and I looked at her sweet head and thought “I can’t imagine my life without you”. I now can’t imagine life without Alden, and on the flip side I don’t allow myself to think about life with Kenley. I can’t let my brain go there. I don’t know that I could handle the sadness and desire that would come if I did.

It’s an odd feeling…it’s a feeling of guilt, and sadness, and joy. I want both of my girls here. I don’t want to have to live without either of them.

Mom guilt is a very real and strong thing. Parenting after loss is incredibly difficult.

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