writing.

Posted by Randi

I keep setting these lofty goals to write a post about the day Alden was born, yet it just doesn’t happen.

I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m frustrated. I don’t want to eat. I want to sleep all day. My heart is more full of joy than I seriously ever thought possible, yet I can look at her and cry immediately because I’m also more sad than I expected.

Pregnancy after loss. Rainbow baby. These terms seem mild mannered one could say, yet they seem to be cutting my heart up like knives. This rainbow baby, while I’m over the fucking moon to have her here, is just that- a rainbow baby- a child born after a loss. I lost my first daughter; my first daughter died inside of me and I will never forgive myself for not knowing something was wrong.

This is incredibly difficult to navigate; it can resemble the early days after losing Kenley which really scares me. The intense sadness for K is here and maybe more front and center now that Alden is here alive? I’m not sure if that’s the right way to describe it or not. All I know is that life after loss will always be just that. Life after the loss of my first born daughter.

I’m almost hesitant to say how I truly feel, in fear that people might think me ungrateful or that I don’t love Alden. Actually it’s the exact opposite- I love her more then the air I breathe and I am thankful every second for her. I’m pretty sure everyone knows that though.

I love watching Alden sleep. I could do it all day. She is so full of personality already and I can’t wait to watch her grow into a little person who talks and wants to play toys and read books.

She is 8 days old. She sleeps a lot. She wakes up 4 times a night to eat. She loves being swaddled. She is so alert, and knows our voices.

Hi guys! I’m super alert 🌈💜🦄

I love this squishy babe so much. Forever thankful for her.

home.

Posted by Randi

I have a whole huge post I want to make about everything, but for tonight, while I’m laying in bed looking at one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever laid eyes on, I’ll just say that we are home.

We got home on Saturday, and had company all day Sunday. Today was out first “back to normal” day (read: Landon went back to school- nothing else was normal).

I sat up with a crying Alden for nearly 5 hours last night (true story), and you know what? Never once did I EVER think about how awful it was. You know what’s awful? Holding a crying screaming baby, feeling so much love, all while looking at the picture of the baby you loved so much who came before her who you didn’t get to keep; who didn’t get the chance to cry.

That’s awful.

This has been incredibly hard, and also incredibly amazing.

And now, for your viewing pleasure 💗💜

Wearing a sleeper that was Kenley’s. We packed this sleeper in Kenley’s diaper bag the night we found out she died. Putting this on Alden tonight broke my heart into a million pieces.

Coming home from the Hospital! 🌈💜🦄

I wish it were different, but I love holding both of my beautiful girls close to my heart 💗🦊🦄💜

37 weeks- the day you arrived

Posted by Randi

36+6 OR your birthday eve

Posted by Randi

My sweet Alden,

Tomorrow morning we will be meeting you as you are taken from my body by the doctor who brought us so much comfort during your pregnancy.

She was the one who found the cause of your big sister’s death. She, for lack of better explanation, probably saved your life. I cannot wait to see her take you from my body, and hear your cry. I’m pretty sure we will all cry as well.

You are so wanted, and I believe you know that. I want to thank you for moving all day today, and this past week. You’ve made this a little easier on my sanity. Your dad and I are so wound up and anxious; we just need you here in our arms, screaming bloody murder. Your dad is more worked up than I am, if that’s possible. I can’t wait to see him holding you and giving you kisses. He is the best daddy, just wait- you’ll see.

I will always wish your sister and you could play and grow together, but I know she is with us. She gave me plenty of signs today!

I picked up my phone at 10:32, and it just happens to be Tuesday; she was born on a warm Tuesday in December at that time.

I walked into my closet this afternoon and the shirt I was wearing when I learned she was gone literally fell from the closet onto my back. A friend says that is her telling me that she’s got my back through this and I believe that 100%.

I cannot wait to see your beautiful face, and to see the look on your brothers face when he meets you for the first time. There is going to be no greater joy in my life than that moment.

I can’t wait to love you on the outside!

I love you more than you could ever know,

Mommy

36+5

Posted by Randi

Our last NST went perfectly! I took my last lovenox shot tonight, too! Alden decided to give us a little “duck lips” pout at our amniotic fluid scan so I hope you enjoy!

(The picture is a profile view)

Tomorrow Shane and I are going to pack our hospital bags up, and finish a few things around the house. My mom and step dad are coming tomorrow night.

Tomorrow is my mom’s birthday, so wish her Happy Birthday cus I know she’s reading! I love you momma, thank you for taking such good care of us this past year and a half. I’m so lucky to have you.

Here’s to another sleepless night….

Come on Wednesday!

36+4

Posted by Randi

Shane installed the car seat tonight.

Tomorrow is my last NST, and my last lovenox shot.

Shits getting real!

Landon’s so excited and nervous. He keeps telling me his belly hurts. I just want to scoop him up and tell him everything will be ok, and while I do just that, I find it hard to believe it myself.

Wednesday needs to hurry up. I need to see you, sweet little girl.

This has to happen. You are so wanted.

36+3 & a blogging nomination of sorts

Posted by Randi

4 days left. It doesn’t feel real still. Of course all last night I laid in bed waiting to feel her move, and she just didn’t move as much or as hard as I liked. So this morning I woke up, and I just chugged 2 glasses of chocolate milk (pretty sure I’ll throw up here in about 5 seconds) in hopes to make her move. She’s usually pretty lazy until about 10-11 am, so I’m trying to be rational here…

I need to decide how I want to go about packing a hospital bag. I know I need to because it will make everything easier for us to have it at the hospital, or at least in the car where it’s easy access instead of driving 35 minutes back home to get something. Maybe I will try to tackle that today– I highly doubt it but we’ll see. I do need to wash some serious laundry so that’s probably what will be happening today. It’s about 20 degrees outside, with an extended warning for next week to be extremely cold.

As were inching closer to the big day, I can’t help but miss Kenley even more than normal if that’s possible. I feel so far away from her these days. She’s been gone for a long time, and somedays it just feels impossible that she was ever actually here. I would give anything to kiss her beautiful face one more time. There are many things I wish I could have done differently, but I am happy that I (hopefully) will get to mother her little sister. I just wish I could have them both in my arms.

On a different note-

I’ve been noticing a friends blog is referring people to my blog in great numbers for the past two days. I did a little more investigation and found out that she has been nominated to answer some fun questions for an award called the”Getting to know you” award, in which she is asked to nominate another blogger to do the same…I am that blogger! I was so thrilled when I finally had a second to sit down and read her answers to the questions. Christine is an amazing human. I found her very shortly after I lost Kenley, and creeped her blog hardcore. I don’t think she truly knows (yet..give it 5 seconds here) how much she has helped me on this journey to our Rainbow.

When I was sad, I would just find random posts on her blog to read. She would make me laugh, or make me cry, or sometimes she would manage to do both in one post. That my friends takes talent. I can relate to pretty much every single thing she posts, and I find that is very rare nowadays. So Christine, this is my thank you for supporting me even when you didn’t know I existed, and for now being an amazing friend whom I hope to stay in contact with for a long ass time.

Here are the questions I’m supposed to answer- Enjoy!

Who are you named after?

Honestly, I don’t think anyone. I know that I was supposed to be named something different but when my parents saw me they thought it wasn’t right. And that’s about all there is to the story of how I had a boys name growing up… Truth be told though, I love it now. I am so thankful it’s original and I think it fits me quite well.

Do you like your handwriting?

Yep. I always have. My cursive writing could use some practice, but lets be honest I don’t event think they’re teaching it in school anymore so I’m not gonna worry too much. I remember writing a letter to Shane when we first met; fast forward 13 years and I was just looking at it in our memory box thinking man! I really love my hand writing. Of course it could also be that I was obsessed with those fine tip purple inked pens.

What is your favorite lunch meat?

Well, I like Ham, but Christine’s answer (It was thinly sliced honey ham. But then Mark toured a meat plant and told me a little about it…) really bummed me out….so I’m gonna pass….

Longest relationship?

Shane and I will be together for 13 years/married for 7 in May. I am so lucky to have found my soul mate as a senior in high school and I try to remember that every day when I wake up. I’m so thankful for his love. (The other longest relationship in my life is Jenny- best friends since 1990, bitches. I feel like I should insert some Lisa Frank photos here? I dunno.)

Do you still have your tonsils?

Random, but no. I think Christine said it best: ” I had them removed at age five. Coincidentally (or not), I haven’t had strep throat since age five either.” To this I can just say- Ditto.

Would you bungee jump?

You know, I can’t really say for sure. I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t. I might sky dive? Bungee jumping just screams asking for trouble to me. So many things can (and would totally) go wrong. Your bungee cord could be too short, too long, it could snap, you could break your neck, you could hit whatever you’re jumping off of, or the ground…the list goes on and on. So no thanks.

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

I cannot tell you the last time I wore shoes that required me to tie them. Summer time is for sandals, and the winter is for boots…neither of which require me to tie them so win win.

Favorite ice cream?

Hands down Ben and Jerry’s Fudge Brownie ice cream. I did however find out last night that Alden is down with Vanilla Gelato and Hershey chocolate syrup. I ate some and she danced for a half hour after.

What is the first thing you notice about people?

Honestly? Their personality. I can tell within a few seconds if I like you or not. Sure, it may be a snap judgement, but I’m sorry. It’s always held true for me, so I’m gonna just continue to go with my gut on this one.

Football or baseball?

Ugh. Do I have to answer? Oh! Okay, I love t-ball. I love watching Landon play, and his little teammates pick up dirt in their gloves instead of grabbing the ball as it rolls by them.

What color pants are you wearing?

Black maternity leggings. I have been living in them for a long time now. It feels like nearly 2 years, oh thats right cus it’s been nearly two years i’ve been pregnant. Ugh.

Last thing you ate?

Landon and I had pizza for dinner!

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

This is tough. My gut tells me to be magenta, or some amazing shade of pink. But, as I’ve grown older I’ve come to love many colors. Gray, mint greens, gold, and some weird color called Jungle Green that’s pretty cool. And now, they have metallic crayons? I just can’t pick one.

Favorite smell?

Shane’s cologne. The candle we had in our first apartment together. Bread.

Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?

Shane

Hair color?

It’s naturally dirty blonde which I hate so I always lighten it wayyyy up.

Eye color?

Green

Favorite foods to eat?

Hmm…I’m not too sure. I guess I’d have to say that I like pretty much anything as long as I’m in good company. There is nothing I love more than a good lunch/dinner with Shane. It gives us time to really enjoy each other and talk.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Oh Lordy, no scary movies over here. I cannot handle that. I am so easily freaked out.

Last movie you watched?

Tonight Landon and I watched Moana. It was actually super cute, and kept his attention which NEVER happens. He loved it, and I just enjoyed him sitting with me for an hour and a half 🙂

Favorite holiday?

I would say Christmas, but I’m really not sure that’s true anymore. I’m going to leave this one open ended…

Beer or wine?

Wine

Night owl or early bird?

You know, I really think the older I get the more I’m becoming an early bird…and I hate it.

Favorite day of the week?

Tuesday

Favorite quote?

“You will always be my favorite what if”- unknown. I wish I had some huge amazing quote, but this is the only thing that I can think of. I think it’s going to be my favorite for the rest of my life.

Nominations?

I’m going to nominate the amazing Cassie over at Holding Our Angel! I met her, and instantly fell in love with her. She is so kind and sweet. She lost her sweet son Theo very shortly before we lost Kenley, so we share a very similar timeline and I think that helps to connect us.

36+2

Posted by Randi

I cannot believe that it’s so cold today. When Landon was born, it was the coldest winter on record; the hospital room was extremely cold. I remember my mom and sister driving down in a flat out blizzard. This upcoming week is supposed to be “unseasonably cold” per the weather man this morning. When I heard him say that this week will be cold, I almost cried. I’m not exactly sure why but I have a good idea.

Landon was born when it was freezing.

Kenley died when it was unseasonably warm; It was 70 degrees when I went to the hospital to have her.

All the days in the past week have been super warm, mid 60s, unseasonably warm…so for me to hear that it’s supposed to be cold made me feel like maybe this will happen after all. I don’t know, I guess this is how loss brain works. It finds all these fucked up things and tries to make heads or tails of it when in all actuality there is no rhyme or reason to ANYTHING.

Your brain makes things out to be a lot worse than they probably are. But, at the same time…I’ve been the statistic. What is to say that I won’t be the statistic again? Why shouldn’t my brain go to the darkest place? It’s really hard to keep positive.

We put the Halo Bassinest in our bedroom today. It takes up a lot of space, but I think I’m going to love it. Shane and I are both feeling so anxious about her arrival. We were talking today about how excited we are for Landon to meet her. Landon was SO excited for Kenley, and when I think about the pain that he felt not knowing what was happening, I just can’t even think about it because it makes me sick. I want him to see this baby and love her. I want to watch him hold her for the first time. He loves babies, and he will be such a great big brother to a living child, as he is the best one to his little sister who isn’t here.

Today is Friday. Landon and I usually have pizza for dinner, and hang out. This is the last Friday where it will just be us two. I love him so much, and he’s growing up so quickly that I feel like I want to keep him this age forever.

He is my favorite.

Five days.

5 days.

36+1

Posted by Randi

We had our second to last NST this morning at 10:30. Before we left the house, I used my doppler to check her heart beat; I cannot be surprised in the worst way ever again in my life. She sounded great, and I was able to get it right away.

The nurse was able to find her heart beat immediately, too, so that made me feel really good. Her NST was going really well, when all of a sudden she got this really weird deceleration for 5-7 seconds. Shane and I both heard it and looked at each other. Her heart rate went from 140s down to 100 and stayed low. We were both like ummm what the hell is happening? After those few seconds, it went back to normal, and everything sounded perfect for the rest of the NST. I asked the nurse about it and she wasn’t concerned.

We then met with our MFM and I asked her about it. She said that they don’t get concerned unless it’s a deceleration over 15 seconds. She reassured me that everything looked amazing, and that she is consistently doing fantastic on the NSTs. We talked a little and I asked some questions. She also gave me her cell phone number which I thought was pretty sweet and amazing of her. She did tell me that if I went to L&D this weekend and ended up delivering, that she wouldn’t be the one to deliver me. I told her I would try to keep the crazy at bay this weekend to avoid L&D, because I really really want her to deliver Alden. It’s been a long freakin road, and we’re all ready. She said “I know you’re nervous, but I’m really excited for Wednesday- we finally get to meet her”. I am so thankful for her; she will never know how much her care has meant to me during this pregnancy.

Today is Shane’s Monday…so needless to say the next 5 days when he is at work will be incredibly difficult and taxing on me while I’m here alone. If you’ve been wanting to text me, or email me to catch up, this weekend is the time to do so! LOL Help keep me occupied! I’ve got a few things on a list that I would like to accomplish, so I’m hoping to work through those things.

Preparing for this c-section is bringing back so many memories about Kenley’s c-section. I need to pack my bag, and the baby’s bag…I remember doing this for K. We need to get the camera all charged up, and I remember doing this for Kenley…the only video I have on my camera of me carrying Kenley is right before we left for the hospital and she had already died. I can’t even stand thinking about that. I will never be able to watch that video, ever.

Just so many emotions and feelings are flooding into my brain these past few days. I’m trying to separate them, but it’s proving pretty difficult. I did manage to sit down and figure out that Kenley actually died 8 days before her scheduled c-section (here I was thinking it was 6 days before, which would be today). It wasn’t a “good” realization per se but I felt kind of glad that that day came and went and I was worried about today, when actually today is just another day.

Currently, Alden has the hiccups.

Six days left.

thirty six.

Posted by Randi

Today marks 36 weeks that I’ve been pregnant.

In one week we will hopefully be meeting our beautiful rainbow girl.

Tomorrow we have an NST, then we have another one on Monday…then, it’s delivery day on Wednesday. The plan is to arrive at the hospital a 5:30 am, c-section will be at 8:30 am.

I am incredibly nervous, and worried that something is going to go wrong between now and Wednesday. I plan to use my doppler as often as possible until Wednesday. I’ll probably be taking it with me to the hospital (for the drive), and I’m going to ask that I be hooked up to monitoring until the c-section happens.

I’m feeling ok today…but, I’m not sure how this weekend will go. I think the weekends are the worst for some reason. Maybe it’s because Shane works, and it’s just Landon and I here so my brain goes crazy.

Seven days.

We can do it.