Baby loss

sickness.

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Sometimes I have to twist Shane’s arm to make him go out and do things with me, but once we go, he has SUCH a good time. Is this all men? Would they all rather just stay at home, and do nothing? I don’t know, maybe it’s just a different personality type, or maybe he legit just would rather be at home. Our house is pretty awesome and low key so I don’t blame him. BUT, I’m here every day, all day…he isn’t.

Yesterday morning I woke up and felt like I wanted to go to the movies. I looked at moviefone, saw that Independence Day: Resurgence was playing early on Thursday night (opening day was Friday). So I asked Shane and Dustin if they wanted to go see it. Shane gave me a “meh” answer, and Dustin said no because he didn’t have time. I, however,  didn’t let up; I wanted to freakin go. I kept bringing it up to Shane and finally I just made plans to take Landon to my mother in laws for a sleep over. I text Dustin one more time and said last chance! and he said he could go now because he got off work early. Yay! So I bought 3 tickets to the Ultrascreen ($48…fml) and we had a date night + Dundy!

Guess what? The movie was frickin amazing! Take that, Shane! He said “it probably won’t be that good because it looks just ‘ok'”. Pffft. What does he know.

We had a really good night out, and a good night together when we got home. We slept in late, and I made french toast for breakfast while he made coffee. We watched CNN this morning while we ate. But then…my Mother in Law called. Landon was running a fever of 100.3 😦

I went to pick him up and he was curled up in the chair under a blanket. Poor little dude. This is so unlike him; he is so full of energy 24/7. He was burning hot, so we came home and laid on the couch for a while. His fever keeps coming back after the Motrin wears off and he is so achey. I hate being sick myself, so it is super hard to watch a 5 year old moan and groan knowing there is literally nothing I can do to make him feel better. I kept him hydrated, and he ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor with Shane around 4pm. Shane laid him down in his bed, and Landon napped until about 7pm. We woke him up, and brought him into our bedroom (we were decluttering…emotional fucking nightmare for me by the way). 

He wasn’t feeling any better, so we just let him lay around for a little while and watch some more TV. He went to bed at about 9:20 tonight, and I hope that he gets some good rest. I’m sure tonight will be filled with up’s and down’s for all of us. Here’s hoping his fever stays away all night and he can rest well.

Back to the decluttering…

As I’ve said before, when I feel anxious or stressed I tend to slack on stuff that needs done. Well, my bedroom is pretty much a disaster zone because of this. Laundry hasn’t been put away in what feels like 3 weeks; it keeps getting the daily shuffle from floor–> to bed –> out of the basket–> onto the bed –> back into the basket –> back to the floor. I just can’t freaking do it. Little by little it’s getting put away…I promise.

Today though I really felt good about decluttering and organizing the bedroom. Shane and I went in there while Landon napped. Bad Idea. I guess maybe deep down in my  consciousness I knew that the reason I didn’t want to go through everything in my room was because so much of it relates to Kenley. I found my folders from the doctor. I found the folders from the hospital that gave me information on support groups for after she died. I found books from the funeral home. I found cards from everyone telling me how sorry they were that she died. I found my 30th birthday card from Shane that said how excited he was for Kenley to be here; how excited he was for our 3 person family to finally become the 4 person family we dreamed of. I found ultrasound photos. I found the list of names the nurse gave me so I could write thank you cards that never got done.

What do you say in a “thank you” card to a nurse who cared for your dead child?

“Thank you for taking such good care of my child, even though she was dead and nothing mattered anyway.” Because I’m pretty sure that is what would fucking come out on paper. Maybe someday I will be in a place where I feel as if I can write them, but that time is not now. I’ve looked at the boxes of thank you cards I bought, and I want to set them on fire. They make me physically sick. You send thank you cards when you receive a gift…I didn’t fucking get to keep my gift.  

I cleaned up my nightstand, now I need to find a picture frame for Kenley’s 4×6 that I finally printed out. I can’t find a frame that I like enough to house her photo. I don’t even like to look. I hope that one day I’m out shopping and one just speaks to me so I can be done with it. The stress of looking for the perfect frame is seriously stupid. I know it’s just a picture frame, but I guess my irrational brain isn’t understanding that.

Needless to say today can be over at any time.

I’ve noticed lately that when I let myself really think about what happened, I get dizzy. I feel as if I’m going to pass out in a way?  I just feel so emotionally drained these days. I cried myself to sleep a few nights ago. I don’t even know what happened, it just hit me. It’s bad at night, even with medicine and breathing exercises.

These days everything makes me feel like I’m running full speed into a solid brick wall.

 

Yep. Exactly like this. 

day 5.

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The Embryologist called me early today – 7:30 am!

He once again explained to me how the embryos are supposed to look on this day:

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The part labeled embryoblast is also called the “inner cell mass” which will become the fetus.

ALL SEVEN OF OUR EMBRYOS MADE IT TO BLAST. 

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I am blown away! I never imagined this to be the case, ever. I have diminished ovarian reserve, this is not supposed to happen. I am just sitting here with my jaw on the floor in disbelief.

The embryologist said that currently, 3 embryos are perfect and ready to be PGS tested. He said 2 additional ones are more than likely going to catch up to the same stage and will be able to be tested, too. I’m not sure what will happen with the other two, so I guess we will see what he says tomorrow morning when he calls us.

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I’m stopping my PIO shots, and all my other medications. I will start birth control again, and we will go from there. I am a little confused right now as my IVF nurse just told us we are transferring in AUGUST (uh…no?!?!) because my Dr said July. I have an email in to her, and I hope we get this cleared up because HOLY ANXIETY. The whole point of this is to transfer in July. I had this whole thing planned in my head of how it is supposed to go (a terrible idea, I know…life hasn’t gone according to plan yet so why would it now?) so I just hope that she was reading the wrong date or whatever.

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The Embryologist is supposed to call us again pretty early tomorrow morning with the biopsy news! I’m nervous, excited, terrified, guilty, worried, scared…you  name it.

I just want this to work in the best way possible.

Today marks 25 weeks since our sweet girl left our lives. It feels like it’s always the same thing every week; Its Tuesday, I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it all, and then I get sad. I know she wouldn’t want us to be sad, and would be happy for us that we’re getting stronger and moving on. It makes me sad to think about bringing a sibling into Landon’s life who isn’t her…but it also makes me feel a little excited. I know she would want that for Landon.

Life after loss is just a fucking mess.

I miss you, sweet K. I’m so thankful I have you looking out for me. I love you baby girl.

day 3.

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This morning the embryologist called at 9:53.

He explained to me that on the third day they like to see the embryos dividing into 7-9 cells, with 8 cells being “perfect”. He said that our embryos have little to no fragmentation which is a very good thing as well.

We have 6 embryos that are in the 7-9 cell range, and we have 1 embryo that is a little behind at 6 cells. The embryologist did tell me that there is a very good chance that 6 cell embryo could catch up though. He even said “I could go check on it after we get off the phone and it could be in the 7-9 cell range”.

Hell yes. I just cannot believe it! 

 

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Here is a chart to show you the stages of Embryo development along with a description of what should be happening.  

I truly credit some of this success to the book “It starts with the egg” by Rebecca Fett. She discusses specific studies that have been done for Diminished Ovarian Reserve women; She then gives you a suggested list of supplements and vitamins to take (all with the approval of your doctor, obviously). I seriously think that all of those have made a huge impact on my embryo quality (also, the fact that we have no Male factor infertility issues what so ever helps a lot).

I started taking the following supplements 4 months before our cycle:

  • 600 mg CoQ10 Ubiquniol
  • 75 mg micronized DHEA
  • Prenatal + DHA
  • 81 mg baby aspirin
  • 400 mcg Folic Acid
  • 500 mg Vitamin C
  • 2000 IU Vitamin D3
  • 3,000 mg Acai berry extract

In the book the author states that DHEA is supposed to do wonders for women with DOR. I spoke with my RE and he had never really read any studies about it, but agreed to let me take it as long as I kept him updated on if I stopped or whatever. I’m pretty sure if this cycle yields ALL good quality embryos, I’m going to buy him the book as a gift 🙂

Now, there is a chance that the eggs all fertilized because we chose to do ICSI instead of regular IVF fertilization.  ICSI is a process where one single good quality sperm is injected into the egg (see below). This is always done for people choosing to do PGS testing (click the link to learn more about PGS testing), and often used when you have Male Factor Infertility as well.

icsi

From here, we wait until they call me on Tuesday morning. The embryologist said he would call me before 9 am, just incase we needed to come in for a transfer later that afternoon.

He told me that he recommends that we push to day 5 even if we decided to do a fresh transfer instead of freezing them and transferring in July. I’m really happy that he seems to think they are all good quality; What a great feeling for us! I guess we will see what happens on Tuesday when he calls. If we are looking at only 1-3 being good quality and growing normally, I think we may look at transferring fresh, but if they look good we are going forward with the day 5+6 biopsies. The PGS testing results should take about a week to get back.

quotes.

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I love following other baby loss moms on IG; I know that sounds morbid, but it’s not. I feel comfort from it. I feel that those women truly understand the pain that lives daily in my heart. Everything they post is something that I could have posted myself at any given time. Today, I came across this from one of them. It reminded me of my post from the other day. It hit me hard so I wanted to share it with you.

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“The ones who tried their hardest to hold on, yet could only look on helplessly while they lost the thing they loved the most.”

Yep. 1,000% yes.

I felt helpless. I feel helpless. I will always feel that way.

There was nothing to be done.

We were failed by modern medicine, baby girl. It’s such a damn shame, because we wanted you so much; you were the thing we loved most.

strength.

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There is a saying that goes ” You don’t know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have”.  I kind of hate it a little bit; It always struck me as insensitive in a way? I don’t know if that is even the right word, and let me explain why.

These people didn’t want to have to be “this strong“. They literally were dealt a shitty hand and had to deal with it. When someone dies, majority of the time the person who loses said loved one has no other choice than to go on. Sure, you could lock yourself in your house, become a hermit, take drugs, drink yourself to death etc etc, but sometimes you know that’s not possible even though every fiber of your being wants it to be. It applies to anything, really. But it always comes back to the fact that this person is being put into a shitty situation then the worst thing happens. You didn’t ask for the worst thing to happen – it just does. So that’s why you have to be strong. No one asked you for your fucking opinion, life just decided it wanted to fuck you.

Today at Therapy we were discussing moving forward with IVF and all things involved. My therapist is constantly amazed at the information that Shane and I have regarding all things TTC. She tells us that she knows we have done our homework on the subject, and that she’s happy Dr.J listens to us when we have a concern/suggestion about a protocol. She also always makes it a point to tell us that we are “so strong”, or “brave” for moving forward with IVF. I appreciate her sentiment obviously, but I am secretly rolling my eyes at it.

I didn’t have a choice. My daughter was stolen from me, without any warning, and what else am I supposed to do? I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel brave.

How do I feel? Angry. Sad. Like I was failed by modern medicine and doctors.

I definitely don’t feel strong or brave when I think about doing IVF. I feel pissed. I am so beyond frustrated that this is where my life has led me. I’m obviously thankful that we can afford to do this, and that my husband is on board, but sometimes I just step back and think “really?“.  It does not make me brave to do IVF after the loss of my child; if I want to continue to grow my family what other choice do I have? The answer is none, because I was never given one. I’m not strong because I give myself shots every night, and go through countless doctors appointments and labs. I’m determined. 

I will not let this define me. I am forever changed by my daughters death, but that’s not the end of my story (or ultimately hers). I am a damn good mother, and I know that I will have more children. I will love them with every single piece of my soul just like I love Landon and Kenley.

The IVF stuff is not what makes me strong and brave. Loving Kenley, even though she is not here physically, that’s what makes me strong and brave.  Waking up every morning and functioning after the loss of my daughter is what makes me strong and brave.

Living every day since I heard she didn’t have a heartbeat is the strongest and most brave thing I have ever done and will ever do.

monitoring 4.

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The last monitoring appointment – thank sweet baby Jesus.

I have been exhausted this past week; too much running around and not enough down time for myself. Not to mention all the shots, and dildo cams that I’ve been given over the past 9 days. Whatever, I can handle those things, what I can’t handle is not sleeping. I need sleep.

Last night Landon had one of his weird coughing attacks. We put him to bed around 8:30 and he started coughing almost immediately. After about 45 minutes of on and off coughing, I went in and gave him a puff of his inhaler. I hoped that it would fix the problem because it usually does – nope. He started coughing even harder, and yelled that he was going to throw up. So he ran to the bathroom, and I ran to meet him. He didn’t throw up, thank god, but he just kept hacking. I finally got him calmed down, and he fell back asleep for about an hour. Around 11:30 we were just getting ready to go to bed and he started again.

He ran to the bathroom, saying he was going to throw up again, and sat there, half asleep, spitting into the toilet. My poor little dude. After a few minutes I calmed him down again, and decided that we were going to put him in a hot shower to break up whatever was going on in his chest. Into my shower he went. He sat there with the warm water running over him, letting the steam do wonders. About 12:30 he said he was ready to get out of the shower. I got him out, and got him dressed in his PJ’s. (Side note – Shane had to be up for work at 4:15, and was up with us until about this time.)

I put Landon back to bed, and rubbed his head for a few minutes to calm him down. He fell asleep pretty quickly, but the minute I got into bed he started coughing again. I got my bathrobe on and went to make sure he was okay. I just decided to sleep on the couch so Shane didn’t have to hear Landon hacking on the monitor when he had to be up for work in like 4 hours.  1:30 rolls around, and Landon stops coughing…finally. I must have passed out because I woke up at 3:45 and walked back into bed…only to have Shane’s alarm go off at 4:15. Ugh.

I don’t even remember him leaving, but I do remember telling him (as he kissed me good-bye) to be “Ninja quiet” because if he woke Landon up I was going to kill him 🙂

Then, my alarm went off at 6:30.

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Pretty sure I’ve never wanted to sleep in more than I did this morning.

I dropped Landon off at my Mother in Laws, and I drove to the RE. Shane met me there (he’s amazing btw, have I told you that?) and we walked in together. The receptionist asked if I knew what time my appointment was (uh yes?). I said 9 am. Well, turns out they scheduled me for the wrong f’ing clinic. You’re right receptionist! – I do not want to drive to the Canton office, thank you. The receptionist is amazing though, so she took care of it, and got us right in. I’m pretty sure that I couldn’t have handled them rescheduling me. I may have lost my shit on everyone. It’s gonna happen one of these days, I’m telling you. Someone’s going to say the wrong thing at the perfect moment, and I’m going to fly off the handle.

When we got in the room, Dr.J came in and did his business. We had a ton of progress overnight! It’s like my ovaries decided to finally join the party. I’m pissed it took about $4k worth of medicine to make it happen, but thanks for showing up, guys. Dr.J always seems so surprised when something good happens for us; It kind of makes me laugh and makes me feel like shit at the same time. I always tell him jokingly to be positive, and he always replies “I’m being positive, but Randi, Science“. Which makes me laugh, because I totally agree with him, I’m just being overly optimistic because someone has to be, right?

My ovaries have: (excuse my scribble…I can’t math apparently)

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So all of my follicles have grown, and some extras have popped up!  There are now 11 follicles of measurable size; my AFC for this cycle was only 13 to begin with. This means of those 13, 11 of them are responding to meds – I will freaking take that. My uterine lining is 10.5, and my Estrogen was 1259, up from 1037 yesterday. They had me take my final dose of Follistim, and Menopur this morning in office. Hopefully that and the trigger will push those 14’s + 15’s up around 17/18.

We are going to trigger tonight @ 10:45 and my egg retrieval is set for Thursday at 9:45am.

I can’t believe I’m here – for so many reasons. I shouldn’t be here, but I am. I should have my daughter in my arms, but I don’t. I should be watching a beautiful 6 month old girl roll around the floor instead I’m kissing her urn goodnight every night, feeling guilty for moving forward with my life. Today marks 24 weeks that she has been gone; Today in a pregnancy is viability. How ironic that it’s a day during my pregnancy that I felt so much relief, yet here I am 24 weeks out from her death and I feel so much grief, pain and anger?

How are those things fair?

Why is life so cruel?

How is a mother supposed to live her life without her child?

These are questions I will ask myself every day, I think. No matter what, things will never be right. I will always forever be missing my first daughter; my beautiful, perfect, sweet girl whom I tried so incredibly hard for. The daughter I did everything for.

My forever best friend.

I would breathe my last breath in a heartbeat if I could bring you back to your Daddy and Brother, my sweet girl.

I wish I could have saved you.

if_love_could_have-84977

 

 

monitoring 3.

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Today I had my third monitoring appointment; things looked A LOT better in there!

Saturday I had 4 follicles on each ovary; today I have 5 measurable ones on each ovary! Dr.J said I really “rallied” here at the end. I’ll take that.

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The plan is for me to continue my Follistim (425) and Menopur (150) tonight like normal. Take my Ganirelix in the morning (to stop my body from ovulating by itself). I will take my left over Follistim and Menopur to my appointment tomorrow at 9 a.m.; I will have an Ultrasound and Blood work while I’m there. After we see how things look tomorrow morning, they will (more than likely) give me another dose of Follistim and Menopur, then draw my blood. After that I will go home, and Shane will give me my trigger shot (hcg) in the evening at the time the RE tells us. We will then do our Egg Retrieval on Thursday morning!

I can’t believe that things are actually looking good for us. It has been an extremely emotional last week for us, and I am S T R E S S E D. It’s so hard to not know what is happening with the cycle. I mean, you’re given this calendar at the beginning of the cycle so you have an “idea” of what to expect, but things can change at the drop of a hat.

I’m so so thrilled that things are looking ok for us. I mean, we’re not out of the woods yet obviously, and we know just because we get pregnant doesn’t mean we will have a take home baby – Unfortunately.

Speaking of Kenley, tomorrow will be 24 weeks . It has almost been six months. I can’t.  I can’t even begin to believe it. It makes me so incredibly sad; I don’t think my brain can make sense of it. I mean, I know she’s gone but it just hurts so much to think about it. When I start to think about it, I feel dizzy; I’m pretty sure it’s a defense mechanism, but still. I get hot, and feel the room spinning when I let my brain go to the dark places. I want to do something special for her tomorrow, but I’m sure I will just let myself down so I better not set any expectations. Maybe I will light a candle for her tomorrow evening? If you light one tomorrow, think of Kenley.

I know she’s gone and she will never be here with us. I wish I could just hold her again. See her beautiful face again. Run my hands over her face, and through her auburn hair. Oh baby girl, I miss you so incredibly much.

You’ve changed my life, and I will never be complete until we are together again.

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monitoring 2.

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Well, today looked better than Thursday.

My left ovary has been an over-achiever, and had the two lead follicles on Thursday. So, a recap of what we had on Thursdays’s scan was:

Right Ovary- 12, 10, 9 and the Left Ovary- 18, 17, 10

That shows the RE that my left ovary was being an asshole and hogged all the meds and those two follicles grew too fast. It wasn’t looking good on Thursdays scan.

Today, however, I had :

Right Ovary-15, 15, 13, 10 and Left Ovary- 22, 22, 12, 9

We had two smaller follies pop up into the good “range”. What Dr.J decided is that we are going to let the two 22mm follies “go”. We are going to focus on the other six and hope that they all get to where he is comfortable with them. I am going to continue my meds tonight, and Sunday night. I will go back on Monday @ 10:45am for another scan and blood work. I’m also still taking the shots to keep my body from ovulating on its own. I will take that shot tomorrow morning, and Monday morning as well. I had to call and have 2 more Ganirelix overnighted from Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy.

Also, my uterine lining is 8.3 which is good. I’m starting to feel a little…hopeful? Cautiously optimistic? I’m not sure what it is yet.

Come on Ovaries…you can do it.

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So, I guess we will see what things look like on Monday at my scan. There’s nothing I can do to change anything that is happening. It’s out of my hands now – Fuck yeah Science!

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Also, because I know you’re wondering what an ovary with follicles on it looks like:

(No, this is not my ovary)

ovarianstimulation

 

flowers.

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Last year at this time I was just a few weeks pregnant. My front flower beds always grew up with pricker bushes; mutant ones who don’t die when you spray them. I remember my mom busted her ass pulling them all out for me while I was in the bathroom puking. I let them all grow back because I was too sick the entire pregnancy to get out there and do anything to them. I had landscapers come in and quote me on redoing the front, and they ranged from 3-6k. Nope.

This summer, I spent almost every day outside in the early spring. I kept looking at my flower beds thinking that I needed to do something with them. So, one day, I did. I was just so sick of them looking like shit, and feeling bad about them. I weeded, laid landscaping fabric, sprayed the other weeds, etc. I went to the store and bought a ton of flowers and planned where they would go. After that was all done, Landon and I went to buy mulch with Shane’s truck. I mulched the entire flower bed, around the trees, and in front of the windows. I did 98% of this by myself.

Not trying to throw Shane under the bus or anything,  I just did it myself. I had to. In some weird way it was like I had control over something, finally. It was a lot of freakin hard work, and I pretty much wanted to quit every second. I remember starting and was clearing out in front of the windows, Kenley’s windows. I stood up and could see through the blinds to her closet. I saw her bright pink curtain, and the exersaucer my friend Caroline bought for her. It was like slow motion; I saw the stuff but didn’t really realize I saw it? It hurt – A lot.

I think part of me wanted to continue the landscaping every day so that I could be near her window; So I could have an excuse to look in if I felt like it. I love her room so much. Both windows in the front of the house are her windows. I go out every single morning and water my flowers, and look through her blinds. I hate how different my life is this June, in comparison to last June. It is so incredibly unfair.

I’m sitting here tonight, completely alone, watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Completely alone, no sweet baby inside of me like last June. Instead, just a bunch of follicles trying to help me achieve another child.

Landon is with my Mother in law tonight, and tomorrow morning is more IVF monitoring. I’m hoping for some sort of miracle at the scan, but I just don’t have any hope. I don’t know what will happen to this cycle, and I just need to know. I need to plan things out.

It’s so weird to think that my life is so much different then last year at this time, yet it’s almost completely the same. Looking in, everything is the same. Shane, Landon and I are all still here; Everything is the same. We just have a nursery that our dead child will never use. It’s a huge smack in the face.

It is like nothing has changed, but every single thing has. a24e4ee918c1ac347a4e8291df26f7c6

 

 

monitoring 1.

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Last night, Landon stayed with my mother in law. Shane and I had our first monitoring appointment for this IVF cycle @ 9:15; our office is 40ish minutes from the house so it was easier that way for everyone.

When we got there, it was shit news from the get go.

Let me refresh everyone on what we were working with-

13 follicles at my baseline AFC (meaning, potentially, 13 of those could be growing evenly and possibly be retrieved) and everything else looked good.  I have stimmed (taken shots) for 4 days. The hope was that everything would be growing evenly and just going to town in there.

Nope.

My right ovary had 3 follicles (12mm, 10mm ,9mm) and my left had 3 as well (18mm , 17mm, 10mm). They need to be 15mm to be able to be retrieved and mature properly. So what happened was two of my follicles hogged all the freakin medicine. My RE almost canceled me. I don’t know what to expect on Saturday when we go in again for monitoring.

The plan is to start medicine to stop my body from ovulating on its own (took my first dose this morning at like 10am), increase my follistim to 425, and my menopur to 2 vials, and hope against all odds that the two lead follicles slow the hell down, and let the other ones catch up in size.  My E2 came back at 408 which they said was good and felt comfortable continuing.

I don’t know what happened to my 13 in there. Six follicles- Seriously? Are you fucking kidding me? All this money were spending, all the time, all the shots, all the trips to the RE…and I have 6 growing. It’s not good. The hope is to get as many good quality eggs as possible, but well…I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.

If things still look this way on Saturday, we will probably trigger that night, and do an egg retrieval on Monday morning. I really want to believe that my eggs are good quality because I’ve never had that issue, I’m young, and I’ve been taking a shit ton of vitamins for a really long time now.

The plan (I use this word VERY loosely) is to retrieve the eggs on Monday, and go for a 3 day transfer of TWO embryos, which I won’t lie, scares the hell out of me. Implanting two good quality embryos in me, a healthy 30 year old with no issues except low egg count, will more than likely result in twins. I’m just feeling defeated.

I just want to cry. Today hasn’t been good, and to have this IVF cycle go to shit really just takes the wind out of my sails. Come on life, I barely have any as it is.