Grief

book. 

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Today I noticed that Angela Miller’s book “You are the Mother of all Mothers” was offering it’s 6th edition memorial page printing. In this, you are purchasing a spot for your child’s name in the back of the book on the memorial page (along with 2 copies of the book). All these books will be printed with your child’s name. 

We bought Kenley a spot.

It means so much to me to know that people all around the world will buy this book and see her name. Say her name out loud. I can’t wait until the book is in print. Once it is, I plan to use the gift card from TCF to buy 20 of them to include in my donations for stillborn mothers who give birth at Mt.Carmel. 

Angela’s writing has helped me in ways that I don’t think can be put into words. She speaks from this place of all knowing that I wish no one had to know of. Every word she types could have come from my hands; could be from the sadness in my heart. In the early days after Kenley’s death, I didn’t know what to do; life felt like a cruel joke. 

Finding Angela’s work on Still Standing brought me comfort. It made me feel less alone. In the early days after a child’s death you feel lost. You are in this black space and there is no light; you don’t know if there ever will be light again.  Reading articles from still standing, and seeing that there were mothers who went through what I currently was, and survived –however broken and bruised- gave me a sliver of hope. Hope that maybe I can pull through this after all. 

I will never be the same as before, but I will survive. 

Today, as I get ready to go to my in laws for a small get together, I can’t help but feel empty because we are missing her. I know we will never forget Kenley, obviously, it’s just hard to see life moving on without her. She is my first daughter. My second born child. She will always have a gigantic piece of my soul with her. 

On the day when we are reunited, whenever and wherever that may be, I will be whole again. 

aware. 

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Oh my sweet K…This is so true. As it’s becoming summer I’m starting to see all the things I dreamed of us doing together. Playing in a baby pool with your older brother. Swinging on grandma’s patio swing and just holding you-smelling your hair. I’d get that feeling in my throat; the feeling I got when I inhaled your brothers baby smell after he was born. It burned my throat and made my chest pound with the fiercest love I have ever felt.  

So many things I wanted to do with you and I never will. 

This summer will be hard. Last 4th of July I was carrying you, and was given a dress for you to wear this July 4th. How sad is it that you will never wear it? You won’t ever see the fireworks; it’s my favorite thing, sweet girl. They light up the sky and make your chest shake. I was planning to watch them with you, although you would probably be asleep in my arms. Maybe your daddy and brother would have gone and we would have stayed home, together. 

Together. 

I’m so sad that we can’t be together. I wanted to be your mommy so badly. I would have been the best mommy to you, K. I would have let you be you; I know how important that is for a child. 

There is nothing I wouldn’t give to be with you one more time. To hold you one more time. To see your sweet face again. 

I wish so badly I could have felt your heart beating against my chest. 

It’s so crazy to me to think that that is the one thing I want more than anything, and I can’t have it. Ever. 

One day, my daughter. One day. 

Mommy loves you, sweet baby girl. 

dreaming.

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There is a song by The Black Keys called “Your Touch” that is one of my favorites. There is a place in the video where they stop the song and show the band sitting at a diner table talking. One asks the other “so, how do you feel about being dead?“, at which time the other member replies “I don’t know, my neck hurts”.

It made me laugh today; Yeah, I straight up LOL’ed. In my mind I was thinking, “that is so fucking funny”. I’m not sure why; in the “after” I usually get weird feelings when I hear things about death/dying. This was different, like…I don’t know.

It was like he was saying “whatever no biggie that I’m dead, I’ve just got this terrible neck ache”.

I guess that’s just my humor, and I’m pretty happy that I laughed at it to be honest. I felt like myself for that 2.5 seconds during the song.

Last night I had a dream that my Grandma died. (Grandma, if you’re reading this, this is why I’ve called you 2 times today! Answer your phone!) Since I’ve lost Kenley, I can’t sleep at night without medicine. I don’t want to lay in bed and think about the tragedy that came about in my life; I want to lay there, and fucking fall asleep. Zero thoughts in my brain. The medicine works about 75% of the time…the other 25% of the time I cannot shut my brain off. I am overcome with the most terrible thoughts; It’s like the worst day of my life is on a loop. All I can hear is the Doctor telling me “this is where her heart is, and there is no activity. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have a heartbeat”over and over and over. It cuts through me like a knife.

Anyway, the dream.

Grandma died, and was somehow able to attend her funeral. It wasn’t the actual funeral, but the gathering that happens afterwards. It was in a giant room with rectangle tables, and all of my family there. Grandma sat across from me at the table, me sobbing uncontrollably (I remember the crying in my dream being the exact cry that I had when I lost Kenley- uncontrolable sadness…), her holding my hand gently and talking to me about anything and everything. I asked her when she had to leave me for good, if she would make sure to tell me that Kenley was okay. I swear to god, at that exact second in my dream, someone sat on my side of the bed and woke me up; startled me awake out of the deep sleep I was in.

In the dream, I remember hearing myself ask her that question and seeing a beautiful wooded trail in my mind. She looked at me and said ” Randi, don’t be sad. How could I be sad; I get to be with Ron (my grandpa), Puffy Joe (their dog), and I get to hold Kenley. As she said those things in my dream I remember seeing in my mind that she was sitting on a bed, with Ron and Puffy Joe; she then stood up and walked to a crib and picked up my baby girl. I saw her.

I haven’t dreamt of Kenley since I lost her.

This gets even more weird…

When I woke up, I had a text from my sister asking me ” Do you ever dream of Kenley?”. She said that she sent me that text earlier in the morning when she was looking at her back deck and saw a Cardinal.

Coincidence? I’m not sure.

I’d like to think that was my baby girl just letting me know she was okay.

who do I have?

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Last night we went for a little walk around our property. We walked back to our garden, and checked out what it looked like from last summers terrible season. It is grown up, and dead; tomato steaks still in their rows. I don’t know why, but our christmas tree was in there. Maybe it blew over there off of our burn pile some windy day, or maybe it decided to walk itself over there (weirder things have happened in my life, hello). Ugh…upcoming Christmas; That’s a post for a whole different day.

We talked about if we wanted to plant a garden this year. Usually we plant tomatoes, cabbage, peppers, cucumbers, corn and a variety of pumpkins. We also plant giant russian mammoth sunflowers; these are my favorites because they grow super tall and the bloom is bigger than my hands! After we looked at the garden, Landon started chasing a bird through the yard. Wilbert ran after him, and Shane as well. As I stood there watching all 3 of them playing, I couldn’t help but feel sadness.

Sadness that I should have her in my arms, and she should be sucking on her little fingers; she should be cooing and squirming all around just begging for me to put her down in the grass. But, she’s not. She’s not here, and she will never experience those things. She won’t get up from wrestling with her daddy in the grass and have it all in her hair. I won’t be able to wipe it off of her clothes like I had to for Landon. When I see Shane and Landon interact and play together, it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

Shane has Landon…who do I have?

No one.

She was stolen from me; ripped from our lives without any fucking warning. She was going to be my forever best friend. I didn’t just lose my daughter, I lost so much more.

I lost so. much. more.

The love that I have for Shane and Landon is immeasurable; they are the reason I am still alive and trying to rebuild myself through the aftermath of this storm. I love seeing them together, and watching Landon enjoy Shane’s company.

I just thought that I was going to have that with Kenley…and I never will.

It hurts to think about it; like the kind of hurt that burns your chest and gives you the lump in your throat. Except the pain doesn’t pass; I have to feel this type of grief forever. Yeah sure, life goes on. We will hopefully have more children someday, but what about this everlasting grief? I know it will lessen. I know that a new child will bring joy to our lives like we never expected. But, I have this round hole in my heart that life will try to fill with square pegs forever.

It will get better, but it won’t quite fit right. 

 

21 weeks.

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I can’t believe it’s been so long, sweet baby girl. It’s impossible. Some days it doesn’t feel like you were ever here, but part of my soul is missing so I know that you were. You were real. You are loved. You will always be my daughter.

Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week; It should be my favorite. Shane is off work at 1:30, he comes home, we go out to dinner and go shopping. It’s a very very good day. But, I had Kenley on a Tuesday. She was with us every time we went out on a Tuesday. After we had her, we tried to go back to “normal” and went out. I’ll never forget it; We went to BW3’s and the host said “just you three today?”… Ouch. It made me ugly cry right when we sat at our table. That was one of the first triggers I had when we started going out again.

We usually go to Toys r us and let Landon buy something or get him a book. We went there every week while I was pregnant; Start to finish. The same women worked there the entire time. They saw us each time. They commented on my pregnant belly, and saw me waddling around. They knew I was pregnant. What do they think now? Now that it’s just us three again…after 9 months…we don’t have a baby, but they knew we were pregnant. Same goes for the restaurants/other stores we would frequent. The same people worked there and took care of us. They saw me; they knew we were expecting.

I’m not expecting those people to be like “hey! where’s your baby?”…I’m assuming they might know deep down what happened. It all kind of comes back to the “do I look better than I feel” thing. I feel awful; empty, alone, and just like complete fucking shit. I’m able to carry myself better in public now, and I don’t cry randomly over things anymore. I still cry, a lot, but I really try to hold it together when we’re out.

I don’t know; this whole thing is just so hard to navigate.  Like I’ve said before, it just feels like everyone should know. I’m sure this is the case with other people and their losses (of children, parents, friends, etc…). You just feel so shitty that you expect everyone to just be able to pick up on it. But, even if they do pick up on it…what am I expecting? Am I expecting some random stranger to be like “I’m so sorry you lost your daughter“- No. But on the other hand, yeah, maybe I am.

Wouldn’t it be helpful if we just had giant neon signs we had to wear above our heads that alerted the other humans what we’re going through?

The closer I get to the 6 month mark, the weirder everything gets. Six months is coming up. She will be dead for six months. That’s 75% of the time I carried her. How is it almost June? I have not been present the past 6 months; it doesn’t feel like my time is moving like other peoples. Has this past 21 weeks gone by super slow for some people? It just seems like my life is in fast forward; like I’m emerging from the aftermath of a tornado.

I feel like I’m constantly having an out of body experience, but it’s just my life “after” Kenley.

 

her. 

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Thinking about IVF excites me, don’t get me wrong. The fact that I’m even financially able to consider it makes me feel so fortunate. My husband works very hard to make our dreams a reality. He gives me everything I could ever want. He’s deals with my mood swings, and all the doctors appointments. I’m so thankful for him. 

When we found out Kenley was a girl, I couldn’t wait to decorate her nursery; my daughters room. I thought about hot air balloons, woodland creatures, you name it- I thought about it. Ultimately I decided to do whatever felt right. I found a yellow chevron rug that I fell in love with, and a teal and white striped light fixture for her room. Those are the first two things I knew I had to have for her nursery; the basis for her room design. 

I ordered her name banner from Egypt. It is stuffed letters in all different fabric and it hangs above her crib. Her bed sheets and curtains were custom made from someone in Canada from the fabric I hand chose for her. I bought her a vintage dresser, refinished & painted it coral to match her room. I found her a Jenny Lind table from Target, and Shane picked out her lamp. 

I had a friend custom make a print for her room. It was supposed to look like an old wooden sign with arrows pointing to different directions. The only difference is that it pointed to places in Harry Potter. She had a print of three water color painted pink hearts, and a pretty cool looking fox print. My amazing friend from TCF sent me my favorite hot air balloon print off of etsy; It was the first thing we hung in her room. 

Everything was perfect for her. I had diapers and wipes; enough for the first six months of her life. Bibs, lotion,  baby swing, rock n play (from a TCF friend) , exersaucer (from another TCF friend), I brought Landons wipe warmer & diaper genie upstairs and put them in her room. Everything was ready and waiting for her. Everything will always be ready and waiting for her; for someone who will never come. 

I spent so much time in her room planning the things I would do with her. Every night I looked forward to getting Landon in the tub so I could leave his door open, sit in her glider and talk to her. We would talk about what we did that day, or I would read the news while rubbing my belly. Sometimes we would call my mom and talk on the phone. 

Mostly  I would rock her and rub my belly. It was my time with her, in her room; the only time I will ever spend with her there, unfortunately. 

So when I think about IVF, and the possibility of another child, all of that stuff races through my mind. I will have to be invested in another child’s nursery and I’m afraid I never will feel that again. I’m scared that I will fall in love with another child and lose that child as well. 

Sometimes, now,  I even have a fear of losing Landon. What if something happens to him, too? What would I do? 

When Shane and I told Landon that we are going to try for another baby he made a really weird face. I had to remind him that what happened to Kenley will not (hopefully) ever happen to another baby of ours. That what happened to Kenley was an accident; That hopefully no other baby in our family will die. 

That is not something you should have to even mention to your children when thinking about having a baby. Poor Landon. I feel so terrible for him. He wanted her so incredibly bad. 

We all did. We all do. 

lately. 

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We went on a hike today at Hocking Hills. It was a beautiful day; really nice and sunny mid 70s. We took our dog with us and for the most part I was able to keep my mind off of things. This is why I love hiking. 


Why don’t I love hiking? 

People. 

People everywhere. 

People whom I assume know my story (because like I said, shouldn’t they? I fucking wear it on my face every day) and don’t. Oh you think my dogs cute and you’d like to pet him? Ok cool, but can’t you just feel how hurt I am deep down? Can’t you see it?  Doesn’t the pain just radiate off of me? 

It’s not their fault that I feel this way- I know that. But, it just seems so crazy to me that I’m dealing with this catastrophic tornado in my head and on the outside I look normal. How is this possible. 

People were baby wearing today. Hiking. With babies tied to them. What the hell? Last time I checked, hiking is kind of oh…dangerous? Especially at hocking hills. It’s wet, muddy and covered with moss. People blow my freakin mind. Hey, asshole, ever consider the fact that you might fall with your baby attached to you? Sure it seems like you know what you’re doing and you’re confident in your “hiking” abilities but, I was confident in my pregnancy carrying abilities and my daughter died so…

The worst can happen. It happens more than people care to believe. 

Don’t take your newborns hiking, people. 

I’ve been so irritated as of lately. I’m grumpy, extremely stressed and I’m losing my hair. This is seriously a no win situation for me. I’m just feeling overwhelmed again. It comes and goes but mostly stays here; looming heavily no matter what. Somedays my grief feels too heavy to carry. 

Tonight, it was so heavy that I just started crying when I got out of the shower. I don’t even know how or why it hit me so hard, maybe I had been holding it in all day. 

Maybe I hold it in every day. 

housework. 

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I was so sick while pregnant with Kenley. From the very beginning I was throwing up and completely exhausted. I figured as time passed I would move out of that phase- wrong. I continued to be sick with her up until the week she was born. I remember thinking “holy shit, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and still puking my brains out- wtf?!”. 

I gained around 11 lbs very quickly because the only thing I could eat was carbs.  Give me all the bagels! But then I started getting really nauseous and couldn’t eat anything so I lost 17 lbs. I remember her pregnancy being far worse for food aversions than Landons. I dry heaved a lot with Landon; Kenley was full on sickness in every way. 

My pregnancy with Landon was very different than with Kenley. We lived in Dayton, away from both of our families with Landon. I worked full time while carrying him, actually up until 2 days before I had him. With K, I stayed home and took care of Landon. We live near Shane’s family now, and closer to my family as well. This pregnancy was different; it was supposed to be better. 

This pregnancy was supposed to be it. 

Shane took such good care of me during K’s pregnancy. He took Landon to do fun things, cleaned our house, cooked, did laundry and took care of my complaining ass. Things were so different for both of us this time around. Landon happened very quickly after we were married, and while Shane was still new at his job. 

Kenley came after many months, much heart break, and strong desire for a sibling for Landon. It was just supposed to be so different, but not in the way that it was. Somedays I cannot believe this is our life. What happened? 

When I’m anxious about something I find myself avoiding housework like the plague. I will wash laundry, fold it, sort it on my bed and leave it there all day. When it comes time for bed, I will put it all back into the laundry basket and set it on the floor. Repeat for like 3-5 days or until what I’m anxious about passes. Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Both weeks leading up to these “holidays”, zero clothes made it to dressers or hangers. ZERO. 

Today was therapy again. I’ve told her about the housework avoidance + holiday anticipation thing. She told me to try and “cut back on unnecessary stress” …ummm…impossible? To avoid all things stressful, I would need a maid, and nanny. Oh and a chef. 

All things cause stress now a days- maybe she failed to see that?  I think it’s the nature of the beast that is child loss. I have random triggers. I cry at the most random times and for random reasons. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have them now. Sure, they will lessen or I will be able to handle them better, but they will always be here now. 

What would really help right now is a vacation. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately and I need to get away. I want to take Shane, board a plane and lay on a beach for a few days. I want to feel normal for 5 fucking seconds. I want to enjoy being married to my husband for a few days like “before”. I obviously still enjoy being married to him VERY much (this has not changed), but we’re both sad. All the time- in our own way. We both need it, but it just seems unrealistic right now. 

Going on vacation would be nice, but it feels like a band aid fix. Life before K felt like a vacation most of the time; it was so relaxing and enjoyable. 

I will forever long for what we had in our “before”, including our beautiful baby girl. 

Our first daughter. 

5.V.cinco.cinq.

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Last night at Landon’s T-ball game there was a stroller on the other teams side. I tried to avoid it like the plague. I mean, not even glancing in that direction. Well, that proved to be impossible; it was like a fucking magnet for my eyes. I couldn’t stop glancing over at it. Of course it would be a little girl. Of course she would be approximately 5-7 months old. Of course.

Kenley should be 5 months old today.

I heard that little girl cooing, making the typical baby noises and it cut me like a knife. I mean immediately made me feel hot, anxious and dizzy. Fucking anxiety. I eventually was able to focus on Landon’s game once the baby stopped making noise. The rest of the night I just felt down and out; completely hopeless about the future. Sometimes it hits me harder than others. I will think about the past, about what we have gone through already and where we are headed. It is all so heavy.

I shouldn’t be here; I shouldn’t be worried about anything but my two beautiful children. Instead, I’m here…in this weird place. The place that I now call home; my new life after the loss. I have no concept of time, and I don’t know that this will ever change. The past 5 months have been a blur, yet felt so slow. Every day that I wake up I realize what my new life is. I realize how truly sad I am. The medicine does a good job of taking off the edge, I won’t lie. But I miss her more than anything in the world. I never expected to feel the depths of a loss like this.

It’s dark in the “after” ; my heart and soul feel so empty, and completely…I don’t know. Alone? Sad? Hopeless? All of the above, I suppose. I recognize that there are better days now; the early days were terrible. Scary even. I have never felt that pain before, and now I carry that pain daily. The grief is a daily occurrence. The guilt is a daily occurrence. The sadness is a daily occurrence. Saying her name, without her being here, is a daily occurrence. It is a life sentence. It will never be the same; never like before.

I don’t want it to be like before. That means I would have never known her; never have loved her. If it was like before, I wouldn’t have held her, or known what her body felt like against mine. I wouldn’t know her beautiful face. I would have never traced her lips with my fingers, or ran my hands over her beautiful auburn hair. Never known how much she looked like her Big Brother.

My Sweet K. I wish I could have saved you.I would do anything to see you one more time.  I would have given my life in a split second to give you life. I wanted nothing more than to be your Mommy. I wanted to love you forever, and I will…just not in the way I could have ever imagined.

Today is a hard day.

starting again. 

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When we first started trying for Kenley, I figured I’d get pregnant immediately. How wrong I was. Two and a half years, multiple medicated cycles and a few procedures later we were pregnant. Finally! I don’t think I’ve ever felt as happy as the moment I heard her heartbeat. 

When we lost her, Shane and I were devastated. I knew in the back of my mind, behind all of the shock, that we would try again for another child. When you have a stillborn child, I think you go through about 1,000 emotions all at the same time. Very high highs, and the lowest of lows. This beautiful human being that you carried for the last X amount of time is coming into the world; not in the way you want, but still arriving. 

All of the love and effort I put into making her was finally being realized. When they placed her into my arms it was the best and worst moment of my life. It will forever be that moment, I’m 100% sure of it. To finally see her beautiful hair, and to see if she matches her 3D ultrasound photos was the moment I had longed for the entirety of my pregnancy. I just wish I could have kept her. 

As time is ticking on, we’ve decided to move forward with IVF. We have no insurance coverage for IVF, so we are taking on a loan to pay for this. In a dream world (ha!) this process will give us enough good quality embryos to freeze 2-3. I’m not sure what will happen, but if we get more than one, I’m pretty sure we’re going to have all of the babies. If I get 4, it looks like we’re having 4 more kids. 

Losing Kenley made me realize just how much I want a big family. Sure, I’m probably not the best mom, and I’m sure I lose my cool more than I should…but I try. I make the effort- day after day. Every day I wake up, love on my child, feed him, get him ready for school, and the rest of the day goes the same way. I take care of Landon and help him learn. It’s the greatest feeling in the world; that is why I will be trying to complete our family with the embryos we are lucky enough to freeze (if any…).

Thinking about IVF is exciting. Terrifying. Amazing. The best and worst all in one. I few as if we are moving forward without Kenley. Leaving her behind; forgetting her. I know this isn’t true, as this future child will be her sibling, too. It’s just hard to think about. She should be 5 months old. Rolling around, enjoying bath time, growing up right before my eyes. But she’s not, and never will be. Shane and I know we want to give Landon (and Kenley) a sibling. Landon deserves it. Our family deserves it. I fucking deserve it. 

I should be going in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work this week. I’m hoping everything looks phenomenal, and that possibly things have improved even slightly; anything to improve our chances. I’m doing everything in my power to help our chances, so here’s hoping it pays off. 

I’m taking so many vitamins it’s ridiculous. 600 mg CoQ10 ubiquinol, 3,000 mg açai extract, 75 mg DHEA, 2,000 IU Vitamin D3, 500 mg Vitamin C, 400 mcg folic acid, and a prenatal. I am hoping that the full 4-5 months of these really helps our chances. If IVF fails for us, I will be crushed. I have confidence in my doctor, and his lab. But, confidence does shit for how the body actually responds to medication. 

I’m hoping this week will provide us will good news, a new IVF calendar, and hope. The all consuming hope. Hope is a fucked up thing; it leads to false confidence in a way. Quite honestly, I don’t have it right now and probably won’t feel hopeful until the MFM takes my baby from me at 37 weeks to avoid letting me get to my loss milestone (for sanity reasons). 

I don’t know how you’re expected to hold onto hope when you’ve lost a full term child, and you struggle with infertility.

There is no “hope” anymore. 

It seems an impossible feat.