Alden woke up at 6 this morning to eat. I felt pretty good after feeding her, so I put her back to sleep (read: laid her down cus she was passed the heck out anyway), and I went to make coffee. I looked out the kitchen window and noticed it look so calm outside. I grabbed a cup of coffee and decided to walk out on the back deck, something that I never do in the mornings.
I walked outside. It was so calm, and so still. I couldn’t hear a car, I couldn’t hear anything other than birds quietly chirping as if they were just waking up. I stood there, warm coffee in hand thinking of Kenley; Of how quiet the morning was…of how quiet her birth was. It was a beautiful and heartbreaking moment as the sun slowly started to rise.
Then, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye.
It was a fox…
and it was walking across my back yard.
I cannot tell you if I have ever seen a fox in “nature” before, but for some reason this morning there was a beautiful one trotting across my back yard at 6:30 a.m. It walked from the field, to my yard, to the side of my yard, then down our tree line back to the field. When it reached the fence of my yard, it stopped for 2-3 seconds and stared at me.
I burst into tears.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more at peace in my life…
Today, Landon and I went to the grocery store; the parking lot was pretty empty (thank god). I always look to make sure there aren’t many cars when we get there. Somedays I just can’t with people. We walked into the entryway to get our cart and- I’m not kidding you– there was a girl, probably 18 years old maybe, with her 8ish month old baby girl. FOR REAL?
It just never fails, you know? Whatever.
Fast forward to when Shane gets home from work. I told him I was going to go lay down for an hour or so. I ended up sleeping from 3-5, so a nice little nap. When I woke up, I walked out into the kitchen and there was an orange butterfly on the INSIDE of our sliding back door! How in the hell does that happen???
Why, hello, baby girl 🙂
She’s been around a lot these past few days.
On Saturday night before I went to bed, I held her urn and kissed it (like I do every night). When I kissed it, I told her to help me. I told her I needed help, and that I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this; I’m not strong enough.
Tuesday was my Father in law’s 60th Birthday; My Mother in law’s was Wednesday. We went over to visit, and have pizza. Landon and Madison (my 6 year old niece) were playing with balloons; they started asking questions about sending the balloons into outer space. I told them both that on Kenley’s 1st birthday I want to buy a bunch of balloons and send them up to K. Immediately, they both screamed that they wanted to do it RIGHT NOW.
We walked outside, those two with their foil helium filled birthday balloons, and me with my phone to take pictures. When we got outside, they both were laughing and excited to send the balloons up to Kenley. They let them go, and watched them until they couldn’t see them anymore. They had such a good time letting them go.
Fast Forward to today, just right now…
I’m doing dishes, and look up out the window…At the very back of my property I see something shining and blue stuck in a pine tree– It’s a blue foil balloon.
It’s even a star, just like the ones they let off
I’m pretty sure that someone sent her brother back a balloon. I showed Landon, and he is so excited. If these things are the things that I can do to make him happy, and remember his little sister in a happy way, then I will find these moments as often as I can.
We miss you, baby girl. We all miss you so incredibly much.