Landon is all boy. 

He stayed with his cousin at my mother in laws last night. Whenever he stays there, and she calls me I freak out. Last night around 5:30 we were finishing up a show and she called me. Panic set it because she only ever calls with bad news when he’s there (like the time he ripped his ear lobe open…or had a big time fever). 

She starts with “everything is ok now” (oh good. Lol) and proceeded to tell me that Landon and Madison were outside walking through the woods when he found a log with holes in it…and kicked it. It was housing a yellow jackets nest! 

He got stung three times on his legs, but he’s perfectly fine. Seriously, kid! So she asked him to if he wanted to come home and he said no, he wanted to call me and tell me he got stung instead. 

My father in law is on vacation this week so they all woke up this morning and went to Ohio Caverns. I’m sure the kids will think it’s amazing and come home with some cool rocks. 

I figured I’d be able to sleep in this morning, relax and lay in bed. Nope. My progesterone shipment required a signature…wtf. So I was up at 8. Oh well, I ate breakfast in complete silence and watched some tv. 

I decided I wanted a pedicure, so here I am! Sitting at the salon and all I can notice is the mother/daughter couples coming in. Someday I hope to have a living daughter, but it just makes me sad. It makes me miss her even more at times like these. Also it doesn’t help that inevitably ONE of the salon techs has always “just had a baby” and they want to gush over said baby to anyone who will listen. Maybe I’ll bring headphones next time. 

It’s so weird how being in a crowded room can make you feel so alone. Maybe it’s just the “after loss” thing, but it feels like everyone here is just living their lives, and has no idea that Kenley even existed. I obviously don’t expect them to, how could they? Like I’ve said before, it just feels like everyone should know; it feels like I’m wearing a neon sign around my neck that tells the world my daughter died. I feel like an outcast and it’s no ones fault but my own. 

Listen up, Estrace. I’m pretty sick of your shit. You’re giving me headaches, making me VERY tired, and super hungry all the damn time. I’m pretty much over it.

So, naturally, I had to increase my dose. The past few days I’ve been taking 2mg of estrace (estrogen) 3 x a day. I cannot wait until Monday to have my lining check. I really hope that I go in, and everything looks amazing (as amazing as a uterine lining can look?…) and I’m able to start my Progesterone shots. Who would be pumped for a nightly IM shot? A woman doing IVF. Blah. If all looks well, I will continue the estrace, add in PIO shots, and then start Medrol and Doxycycline to prevent infection.

I’m just ready. I’m SO ready to get this going. I’m terrified that something is going to go wrong, so I just need it to happen already.

I’m also fighting a weird little cold; maybe its allergies so my throat and ears hurt. Listen up, immune system, get your shit together! I don’t have time to be sick!

Also, side note, I’ve seen more pregnancy announcements in the past 5-7 days than I’ve seen in like two years. I’m happy for you, or whatever, but sheesh. I don’t know if everyone just decided it was TIME to procreate or what. Just annoying. I saw a baby around the age of Kenley today at Kroger…Pretty much wanted to scream and cry how I want my daughter, and she should be alive but she’s not. I’m afraid someday I’m going to just say this stuff out loud to someone who may say the wrong thing to me at the wrong time.

Landon had a pizza party/trophy award ceremony yesterday night. We were the first ones there, and a few mins later another team member showed up. His mom was pregnant when we started the season, and ended up giving birth around the last few games. I had never seen the baby, and quite honestly had/have no desire to? Well, the little boy runs over to Landon and starts playing with him on the play set. When his parents get over to us, with the fresh out da’ womb child, the little boy looks right at me and says “You can go look at the newborn if you want to”.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

No thanks kid.

(I’m sure you think I’m heartless, and should have totes went to see this kids new baby brother…but IDGAF)

So I say “Oh, no thanks I’m good”, and he keeps talking about this newborn (calling it “newborn” instead of his brother…) and I’m like, fuck, kid…LEAVE ME ALONE. I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR “NEWBORN”. I had to tell him 3 times that I was ok without seeing the kid.  He was also with his grandparents, and I’m pretty sure the grandma was about to come shove the kid in my face. Thank god my in-laws showed up when they did cus I was on the verge of a panic attack.

Life is seriously so fucked up now.

And no, I don’t want to see your newborn.

Or your pregnancy announcements.

Or baby bumps.

I really am happy for you, but I’m still incredibly sad for me, my family, and Kenley. I’m not ready for that stuff yet.

I am so thankful that I never have to worry about whether or not Shane loves me.

I love that man with every single bone in my body. 

I am so thankful for him every single day.

Damn, I love him so much.

Today was hard.

I knew you should have been here the entire day, and I felt very alone.

My arms were empty today, yet they felt so heavy.

I miss you, my sweet girl.