Some days there are no words that come to my head when I think about describing how sad I am without my middle child.
There have been conversations lately that revolve around my newest child and make no mention of Kenley. I want my life with Alden to move forward; I don’t want to live one second without her sweet face in my life. I just want people to remember Kenley, too.
I often wonder if people think about her as much as I do? Do certain things that they do, or things that happen to them remind them of her? Are certain situations reminders of the sweet baby girl we lost?
Do they wonder what she would look like now, or what she would be doing?
Do they wake up each morning with her near the front of their minds like they did for so long?
I doubt it.
And I cannot blame them- life continues to move forward and my life in the “after” includes Alden. It IS Alden. It’s incredibly hard to explain, and this is a very random post so don’t try to make heads or tails of it- I just needed to put this down somewhere.
The 4th was rough. Alden enjoyed the parade and I found myself getting choked up quite frequently. I mentioned to Shane that I was getting upset and he comforted me. He is amazing and I am so thankful for him. I ended up leaving him there with Alden so I could step away and break down.
It was too much.
I was brought to tears by a fucking parade.
All because my daughter is dead.
It is not fair that everything is so hard for a parent who has lost a child.
This Holiday sucks for a lot of my loss mom friends.
For me, I have a very strong dislike as well. It makes me so mad that loss has stolen this holiday from me as well. I LOVED the 4th before. It was my favorite holiday for reasons unknown; It just was.
I remember being 4 months pregnant with Kenley in July 2015 and going to the lake to watch fireworks with Shane’s family. My sister in law gave me Kenley’s first gift- a 6 month outfit for next July 4th. It was adorable. SO CUTE. and I just had all these visions of her wearing this outfit, and sitting up, eating little puffs while sitting on a blanket under a tree with me.
But, that never happened. She never even got to see this outfit, or fireworks.
After she died, this outfit hung in her closet, mocking me. Just staring at me, trying to convince me that I’m a bad mom and Kenley’s death was my fault. I know that sounds crazy, but these are the things people don’t talk about. Shit like that ACTUALLY happens.
This year, it’s still there. Alden can fit into 6 month clothes- they’re a little big but they fit.
The Fourth of July outfit is 6 month.
I looked at it.
I took it off the hanger and washed it.
I just hung it back up in the closet- on Alden’s side.
Alden will be wearing it this holiday- in honor of Kenley.
I was given a weighted teddy bear from a dear friend from high school. This bear weighed three pounds. In an effort to have a bear that weighed the same as Molly, I bought a shell and a package of rice. In the middle of the produce isle, I carefully weighed rice, fluff and the shell. I am sure people thought I was crazy, but I did not care. I went home and with my children and husband, we created the very first Molly Bear. For the first time in weeks, I was able to sleep holding her. It was then that I knew I had to find a way to help other angel families.
This is a snippet from the creator of the Molly Bears. Molly Bears are weighted teddy bears that are made to be the exact weight of the child you lost. They run strictly on donations, and each bear is $20. The wait list is pretty lengthy, and only opens the 30th of each month. I cannot decide if I would like one or not.
On one hand I long to feel the weight of Kenley in my arms again; it’s something I think about on the daily. But, on the other hand I’m so scared of feeling that again. I know a bear will not take the place of my daughter, but will it help me? Will it allow me time to hold it, and enjoy what I will never be able to do again?
Do you have a Molly Bear? If you’re just some random lurker here, and have one or know of someone who does, please share your story with me. Has this bear brought you comfort or does it magnify why you don’t have in your arms?
Tonight there are many many fireworks going off around us. I feel like I want to die so empty inside. It’s like every single one I hear is screaming “your daughter is dead!”, “remember that cute outfit you have hanging in her closet?”, “she will never see fireworks with you like you dreamed!”… For you, my sweet sweet baby girl.
I miss you every second, of every hour, of every day.