2dp5dt.

Posted by Randi

We had therapy this morning as usual, and I always leave us so exhausted. It is so incredibly hard to sit there for an hour and talk about Kenley. It inevitably always turns to sadness, or things surrounding her death that make me so incredibly mad. Today we were talking about how I like to destress. Our Therapist asked if I was the type of person who believed in “visualization” of something- If you imagine it for long enough, and hard enough that maybe it will come to fruition. Well, I’m not that type of person…at all. I’m a very matter of fact person. If I am pregnant, it’s because this bundle of cells that the RE implanted into my uterus attached to my uterine lining- that’s all. SCIENCE.

I cannot visualize that and make it happen.

Anyway, we talked about that and I told her that I feel like I’ve been better about not randomly crying anymore. Shane chimed in and said that he sees a big improvement in my attitude and tolerance toward babies (I don’t agree with him though). He referenced the GoT episode we watched last night in which a baby cried for literally 3-5 minutes of the segment. He said he saw me pick up the remote control like I was going to mute it (I actually did pick it up to mute it but then the show ended). He said it was frustrating to him as well and he could it tell it bothered me. He didn’t mention it to me at the time during the show, but he said it today. I told him that he should have muted it because 9/10 we are feeling the same exact thing- I just don’t have a filter and say what I feel.

Then, the Therapist said ” Of course that is hard for you two, you didn’t get to hear Kenley cry. It wasn’t how it was supposed to be, or how people expect it to be.” And I lost my shit. I started crying pretty hard. It’s true, I didn’t get to hear her cry; I NEVER WILL. I grew this beautiful human inside of me and I will never get to hear her sweet cry. Things from there just went to more sad things- her nursery, using her things for future baby, moving and being faced with the feelings of leaving her only home behind. It’s just bullshit- all of it.

Back to decompressing/ destressing- I told her that meditation and things like that don’t work for me. Destressing comes from hanging out with Shane. He is my best friend and being with him is relaxing. When we go on a date, or watch tv and hang out it’s literally the best time for me. Nothing else calms me down more than being with him. He’s like my giant safety blanket I guess. So anyway, today just sucked. I have a love hate relationship with therapy.

We got home and went to the grocery store, and I passed the pregnancy tests. I decided not to buy any right now because they’re so freakin expensive. $20 for a pack of 3? Like I haven’t spent enough money already, people. My blood test to tell if I’m pregnant is Wednesday at 9am. Some (most) people test at home before their blood draw so they know what to expect. I’m pretty sure I will do that…but I guess that means I need to buy a test before Friday. Can someone just knock me out, and wake me up Wednesday after my results are back? Kthx.

So far I’m feeling tired; I think it’s probably from my PIO shots. I’ve been having cramping since the procedure, but I figure that’s probably normal, too. Yesterday night I got so hot that I had to take my robe off in the middle of Game of Thrones and stand there cooling off. It was like a serious hot flash.With Kenley I was sick immediately. She implanted, and I was sick until the day I had her; I threw up the morning she was born. If this baby has implanted, I assume that I will be sick again. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling nauseous today? A girl can hope, right?

pupo.

Posted by Randi

There’s a saying in the infertility world- PUPO (Pregnant until proven otherwise).

Well, that’s what I am 💜

Our beautiful embryo ❤

💗💜💙

Everything went well, and our embaby survived the thaw beautifully. The embryo was expanding as they like to see.

Now we wait for our blood draw next Wednesday ❤

Snuggle in for the long haul, little one. You are so loved and wanted.

PIO.

Posted by Randi

I started my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots the other day, and for some reason they hurt really bad this time. After my egg retrieval my RE had me start the same shots “just incase” our embryos sucked and didn’t make it to day 5 for PGS (can you tell my Dr has like, zero faith in my body? I don’t blame him, really) and they didn’t hurt at all! Shane was a pro then, maybe he’s just rusty. He says when he’s doing it this time there is resistance. Yeah…I know. I feel it.

I watched a few videos today of others giving themselves the shots, and I feel like I could do it but I figure we’ll give it one more shot with Shane doing it. I think tonight when he gets home, I will warm the oil by rolling it in my palms for a few minutes, and have him give me the shot while I’m laying down.

( * I ended up holding the vial of progesterone for a while to warm it up, which made the withdrawal so much easier. Once the syringe was filled I held it in my hand for another 5 mins and laid on my bed when Shane gave me the injection. Perfection! Didn’t even feel the shot at all *)

For those who don’t know about PIO, it’s to support the uterine lining during the luteal phase of a FET (frozen egg transfer) or a fresh transfer.

The set up looks like this (not my photo):

The one closest to the bottle is an 18g needle. It is used to draw up the medicine. The one on the right is a 22g-1.5 inch needle used to administer the injection. The shot is intramuscular.

And the shots go here:

Um Ouch.

If our embryo sticks, and we are indeed pregnant, we will continue this for 12 weeks. TWELVE. Every. single. night. I’m sorry – I know I should feel so pumped and excited, but it’s just not that simple anymore. I’ve lost my naivety toward the situation; I know too much.

I know what can go wrong if your hormone levels are off, or if you start spotting. I know that you can have an ectopic pregnancy and lose a tube, or an ovary, or fucking die. I know that your cervix can “not do it’s job” and you can lose your baby at any time even when you think you’ve past the scary points. I know that, even a week before you’re scheduled to have a normal repeat C-section, you can hear the words that will shatter your world forever; “This is where her heart is, and unfortunetly there is no heartbeat”. I know that you can truly feel like you want to die for the foreseeable future because your child died inside of you when you were in the clear; your daughter died when she shouldn’t have.

Those things could happen to us again. Any of them could be a possibility and I hate that I even have to worry about it. I know that we will be monitored so intensely, but my mind just goes back to “well, shouldn’t I have been monitored this well anyway? I am growing a human for fucks sake”. Sadly, that’s not the case. Monitoring for normal pregnancies is a joke. I had a shitty NINE MINUTE (yes, nine minutes…normal scans can range from 20 mins to an hour for some people) anatomy scan, an intake scan at a new OB that was probably 25-30 minutes long, and a scan at 36.5 weeks…and somehow, no one detected a possibly anomaly with Kenley’s cord. Maybe, just maybe, if a Biophysical Profile Ultrasound was done on me my daughter would be here. Maybe, if my doctors sent me to an MFM because of my history with Preeclampsia, they would have done one on me. I should have been sent to an MFM. I was failed by doctors. All of my doctors failed us during Kenley’s pregnancy.

There is a standard of care, and a general guideline to follow when sending your patient to an MFM…and I ticked many boxes, yet I wasn’t sent.

I will never forgive myself for not advocating harder for my Daughter.

The medical field needs to get their shit together. 26,000 stillbirths a year, and yet we just can’t figure it out?

Unacceptable.

Medicine failed my sweet girl, and it’s hard to believe that anything positive could happen for us now.

tribe.

Posted by Randi

Since Kenley’s death I have truly realized who my true friends are. Totally clichè, right? Nope. It’s true. When she died, I received my first card from Megan Ricahrdson. I love this girl, to this day, and I haven’t talked to her in probably 10-11 years, yet somehow she was the first one to send us a card.

We received flowers from my graduating class (thanks guys), and cards from people I grew up knowing, worked woth through the years, and some I just recently met. All these people were hurting along side us. The outpouring of love was amazing. My best friend from high school’s mom sent us a sleeping angel garden statue just very recently and it’s so comforting to know people are still thinking of us…of my sweet girl. It doesn’t hurt us to talk about her, or receive cards, or letters about her. We love these things. They make us feel closer to Kenley.

The greatest amount of love has come from my tribe. The women who have been there through it all with us. The women who, no matter what, get it. They understand if I can’t talk to them because I’m guarding my heart, or if I want to just talk about Kenley for hours on end. They will listen and reply to me until I am talked out.

Immediately after K died, numerous people offered to fly to me from all parts of the states. Just to be with me and let me grieve the loss of my daughter.

These women tell me to protect myself and remind me that I am a good person. They sent us the most amazing package after Kenley’s death. The amount of love and kindness that went into this gift was far beyond anything I could ever imagine.

They have held me up, held my hand though tons of things, and continue to walk beside me through these terrible days. They don’t need to reach out to me every single day, yet they do. They don’t need to send me random “thinking of you” gifts, yet I’m always getting lovely things in the mail. Someone always lets me know they’re thinking of my sweet daughter.

They could have all left my side after things got hard, but they haven’t. They tell me they miss Kenley, too. They tell me how much she is thought of, how much they love her. They treat my heart carefully and come to me with such care about certain things in their lives that they think will trigger me.

And I’m so thankful for each and every one of them.

If you are part of/have been a part of TCF, or the old place, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

CAL, CAR, 3T, LTL, PAIF, PAL…and my amazing Jan 16 BMB…

Your love and support has meant more to me than I could ever explain in a million lifetimes.

I am so thankful to be part of a community of women who are the best on this planet. I truly believe I will have you as friends for the rest of my life.

You are my Tribe, and I love you.

lining.

Posted by Randi

Today we had an appointment to check the lining of my uterus. It was 8.1 and “beautiful” per my nurse and RE. I’ll take that; a beautiful uterus lining- every girls dream. Jk.

My estrogen came back at 94, and my progesterone at 0.5. These numbers are good, and I will continue to stay on 2mg of estrace 3x a day

On Wednesday I will add in my Progesterone in oil ( PIO) shots. I will also start taking my Medrol (steroid) and Doxycycline (antibiotic). They gave us papers that state our transfer is set for Monday at 11am.

This official paperwork made me freak the hell out a little, but also gave me a glimmer of hope. Hope that maybe, after all this bullshit life has thrown my way, I will be able to bring a baby home. Maybe my body will work right and things will go as planned. I don’t want to hold my breath, though.

I asked Dr.J what he thought our chances of this working were. He stepped back, and said he has never had a negative pregnancy test with a patient he has performed a PGS normal FET on. He has one woman miscarry early on, but they don’t know why. He said our chances of success were 70%.

70%

Holy shit. Hearing that was like a sense of relief and a sense of sheer terror.

I needed more PIO so we called it into the pharmacy– $257 for a 30 day supply. Par for the course though, amirite? I’m really hoping that because my insurance has been covering ultrasounds, I will have a little extra money left to put toward the FET from the $11,440 we paid them already.

Shane and I went to lunch after the appointment and we looked over our PGS testing results. All of our embryos were on this paper and it turns out (if they all had been normal) we would have had 4 boys and 3 girls.

I wish they all were normal. I would have had each and every one of them; I still plan to have the 3 we have that are normal.

2 boys and 1 girl.

My sweet babies. I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and some day be able to tell you how incredibly wanted you are. I will love you until the day I die– I already do.

next.

Posted by Randi

Tomorrow, if everything looks good at my scan, I will be a week away from my Transfer.

A week.

7 days.

I will hopefully be carrying our next child, soon. I don’t even know what to call this child. Kenley was my rainbow, yet…she wasn’t.

If anyone knows the answer to this, I would love to hear it. I suppose this next child would be my rainbow…but what would this make Kenley. Life is weird.

The RE has my beta set for 8 days after our transfer. I’m almost 100% positive that I will not be able to wait that long to find out if it worked or not. On the other hand, I don’t want to test early and get a false negative. There’s just so much to think about, but in all reality I should just calm the hell down and wait for my beta.

I don’t think I can wait though. Dr.Google has shown me that a bunch of ladies have gotten + tests as soon as 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I don’t know how I can rationalize not testing early.

I really want to talk to a loss mom who is a few months ahead of me. I want to pick their brain, ask them a few questions. How did you control your stress? How did you not worry every second of every day? How do you make yourself feel that you are worthy of this pregnancy? Did you have issues connecting to this new pregnancy?

Just a few things I think about whenever I think about becoming pregnant again.

I did feel something like excitement today when thinking about another child…so there’s that.

anxiety? stress? frustration? guilt.

Posted by Randi

Yesterday was a rough day for me; I felt my frustration getting the best of me. Landon kept pushing my buttons, and I had enough for the day, so I left. I got dressed, and I told Shane I was leaving…and I did. I grabbed my book and purse and off I went. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but a few things flooded my mind.

• Go shopping (I did this)

• Go rent a hotel room BY MYSELF and read my book all night. Relax, maybe get room service, and just be…

• Go to the airport and buy a plane ticket to somewhere (I won’t lie, this would have been a super high possibility had I brought my medication with me)

So ultimately I’m a rational person and decided to go shopping. What did I buy? I used a gift card to Ulta and bought myself two nail polishes, a new BB cream, dry shampoo, and moisturizing foot treatment sock things. Then, I bought 4 shirts for myself. And finally I went and spent $30 on dog treats because he was the only thing not annoying me.

I know that it’s not 100% Landon’s fault that I have a short threshold lately, I really really know that. But, he has been not listening a lot lately. On the 4th of July he broke a window at a cookout because his cousin told him to. He cried because he felt so bad, and I’m glad he felt bad. He knows better than that, and I don’t know what happened. He got caught up in the “fun” they were having and just lost his head. He had to apologize to his Great-Grandpa and tell him what happened. Of course great grandpa wasn’t mad and felt so bad because Landon was crying.

I’ve been trying to tell him to listen to me the first time I ask/tell him to do something because he’s been slacking on that as of late. I know he’s changing and growing up, but I have to keep on him so much sometimes that I feel as if the only thing I say all day is “No”.

Today, he was playing Garden Warfare for a minute, and was a sunflower. He shot a letter “K”on the ground and said “Mommy, look. I made a K for Kenley”. Then he immediately asked me if I was going to cry. He’s noticed that if he talks about her lately, I don’t cry like I used to. I suppose this is a good thing, but sometimes he takes me by surprise and I will cry. He keeps asking me if I’m pregnant again; I think he hears us talk about IVF and he’s catching on. I told him not yet, but that’s the plan soon. We ask him if that’s something he would want to happen, and he always says no. Always. Without hesitation. I get it, Landon. I am terrified too, buddy. I’ve had to explain to him so many times that what happened to his sister was a fluke (…ha) and that it will not happen again. That I will be going to the dr many more times than I did before etc etc, but how do you explain this to a 5 year old. He doesn’t know how to grasp these things. He was expecting a sister, and instead got his mother back as an incomplete human who can barely function some days.

So I fuckin get it, dude. I’m scared as well.

He keeps asking me for a brother. I know he doesn’t understand that right now, but it cuts me like a knife. It makes me feel so incredibly guilty, and sad for him. I couldn’t give him a brother or a sister to play with when it really counted, and when I was SO CLOSE to giving him one, I couldn’t even keep her alive. I know that someday he will understand, and he will really understand when/if he has children of his own some day. Losing Kenley was a huge smack in our family’s face, and sometimes I feel like Landon has the heaviest part of this all. He’s 5, and he has to watch his parents fall apart and “knows” why, but will spend his entire childhood wondering truly “what happened”. And the saddest part? He will probably forget about her.

I hate life after loss. It’s incredibly difficult to navigate, and I feel like I’m not doing a good job.

I feel that somedays I’m just failing everyone.

67172b4d8dd3dba76d6b85fc1293d2bc

963c06f40f03d7e67e93fb17f93baa2f

seriously?

Posted by Randi

It’s Tuesday. Kenley died on a Tuesday. She was born @ 10:32 pm on a Tuesday. I hate them. I’ve said Tuesdays are my least favorite, yet most favorite days. I love spending time with Shane and Landon on these days, but they just suck. It’s like a constant reminder of our one missing piece. But, I guess that’s going to be my life from now on, so I better get used to it.

Today we went to Hobby Lobby…

I already hate Hobby Lobby, but Landon wanted to go. When we walked in, we were treated by FALL DECOR. What the hell. It kind of hit me in the face like a brick wall? I mean I know that it’s July, and that August is right around the corner or whatever, but woah. I gathered myself and continued to walk with Landon toward the “toy” aisle, but there it was…

Christmas Decor.

Nope. Not ready to see that shit just yet. I realized how incredibly hard seeing anything Christmas related is going to be for me. I don’t think I will be ok this holiday season.

This is a warning for all of my family/friends- I seriously cannot control how I feel about these things, so don’t expect too much from me this Holiday season.

Kenley was alive for Christmas last year. She got a stocking full of binkies, and a rattle. She was the talk of the get togethers. She was given many other gifts, too- Baby bath, wash cloths, bows…It’s going to be so hard to lead up to the Holidays, listening to the music she loved to listen to and danced around in my belly to. It’s going to be a lot harder than I think I realize right now.

We did a card exchange on the TCF boards last xmas and all the cards wished us well, and said how excited they were for us and Kenley. Fucking life. I just want to punch life in the dick.

How cruel. I just cannot get past that. How fucking cruel. I know no one decided to have her die on the day that she did, or whatever but god damn it. So close to Christmas? It’s going to be so hard for the rest of our lives.

Shane and I will always view Christmas with a “death lens”.

Even if I go on to get pregnant here in a few weeks, I just worry about things. I worry how I’m going to feel being pregnant, again, at christmas. With a new baby. Because mine died.

Fuck.

Fuck you, Hobby Lobby.

guilt.

Posted by Randi

Oh, Guilt, You’re the worst of them all. Not the kind of guilt you feel when you have a “cheat day” on you diet, or the kind you feel when you forget to pay for the paper towels on the bottom rack of your cart on complete accident. I’m talking about the guilt that cuts you like a knife; makes you feel that you let down every. single. person. who knew you were expecting.

I have so much guilt surrounding Kenley’s death. I know that there is nothing that could be done to save her, I know this. I know that I did everything I could to ensure my daughter arrived healthy and happy- yet she didn’t. I often find myself feeling guilty for feeling guilty and sad. It’s so fucked up the way you feel after a loss of this magnitude. You can’t even describe how you truly are feeling, because well, there are no words that make sense.

I feel guilty that I let Shane down. Me, his wife, the mother of his children, couldn’t keep his daughter alive. First off, I have the fertility issues, not him. He is perfect in fertility related aspect. I’m the reason we have to go through all of this struggle to begin with. I lost two of his children. I then went on to get pregnant with his Daughter, his beautiful daughter that he played guitar for, and talked to every single day. The daughter that he gave the most beautiful name to. The daughter that was going to be Daddy’s Girl for sure. And then…that daughter died inside of me. Inside of ME, his wife. The mother of that daughter. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to think about that.

I feel guilty for letting Landon down. I lost his sister. The baby sister whom he so anxiously waited for, and never even got to hold. He promised to take care of her, and help me change her diapers. He helped me wash all of her clothes and fold them. He was so excited for her, But for some reason, I didn’t know she was dying inside of me. How did I miss that? I feel guilty for missing this. I worry that I was too wrapped up in Christmas to recognize any signs from her. I let her down too. I feel guilty for that more than anything else.

I let down Kenley’s grandparents who were so excited for her, her great grandparents, my friends and other family who were so excited for her. I feel incredibly guilty for not knowing she was dead/dying inside of me. I am her mother, and how did that go unnoticed? Was I SO preoccupied with doing the dishes on that Tuesday that I didn’t notice she wasn’t moving properly? I want the chance to go back and look at myself during those last few days. I want to really study her movement and try to figure it out. I want to go to the hospital on that morning, instead of that night. I want to demand that they take her. I want my OBgyn to not say “well if it makes you feel better, you can go to Labor and Delivery”, but instead say “YES. GO IN NOW. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE NURSES THERE. JUST TO BE SAFE. IT’S YOUR BABY’S LIFE. GO GO GO! FUCKING GO NOW!!!”.

I want to go back and have my doctor to give me an NST at my appt 2 days before Christmas. I walked into that appointment thinking I was going to get an NST, and left with a false sense of reassurance. I will never be ok with that. I will never be ok with my doctor telling me that my contractions were probably normal and making me feel like I was overreacting. I should have fucking gone. Don’t get me started on the guilt to come with moving forward with our FET.

I feel so much guilt over her death, and one day ~~I think~~ I know it’s going to eat me alive.

dabcff9ba10224b01fd2ce83f7d73ad6

expectation vs reality.

Posted by Randi

I want to start this post off by saying that I am not extremely sad ALL of the time. I know that it may look that way to many of you reading, but it’s not true. This is my blog; my space to write whatever I feel like writing at any given time. Just because I write the shittiest feelings here, or say exactly what is on my mind, it doesn’t mean that I am doom and gloom.

And honestly, if I was all doom and gloom, could you fucking blame me? Didn’t think so.

That being said, I had a rough night last night; Some nights are a lot worse than others. I sometimes can’t find the right words to express how I’m feeling to Shane, which leads me to be grumpy with him, even when it’s not his fault. Sometimes he will ask me what is wrong, and I can’t answer him; it’s the same thing all the time. What is ALWAYS wrong, what will forever BE wrong? That’s what is wrong. I think maybe I just should tell him to assume that if I’m having a bad day, the reason is always the same. This goes for everyone; If I’m moody, or grumpy don’t ask me why- just please assume you know the reason.

Tomorrow we have an appointment at my RE @ 8:15. I will be having an ultrasound, and getting blood work. We will discuss our plans to move forward with the FET (frozen egg transfer) and hopefully get a date! I cannot wait to hear what my RE has to say about our embryos doing so well. Maybe I will bring the it starts with the egg book along in case he wants to see why I took the supplements I did.

I was hoping that maybe we would hear news about the embryos today, but I highly doubt it. The embryologist said we should hear back within a week, so I’m hoping we hear by Friday at least; I would love for Shane to be here with me when they call. I am just ready to see what the cost of this FET will be. I know I need meds, but I really hope that we can keep it under $4k. This process is bleeding us dry it seems. Thanks life, we really really appreciate it.

Today marks 26 weeks since Kenley left us. I have a lot of feelings about it; yet I feel so blank. It’s a fucked up thing, life after loss. I’ve said it before and I will probably be saying it until the day I die. Tomorrow is the 29th; tomorrow will mark 6 months. Half a year? How is that even possible? It has been half a year since I’ve held my daughter– that just doesn’t seem like real life. I guess maybe that’s how everything will feel now? Maybe everything will just happen in a normal way, but I will feel as if I’m standing still with the world rushing by me? I will never ever understand the reason she was taken from us.

I have begun to realize that this photo is exactly what is going on in my life. I guess the expectation of bringing my living daughter home was just way too much. I guess I’ll just live in this fucked up “reality” instead. I was never given a choice.

expectation-vs-reality