Today is the day my guest post was featured on Breastfeeding world.
Here is the link, I hope you enjoy it.
Stillbirth
thinking.
I’ve had to do a lot of thinking lately. I know that sounds weird because you think everyday, but I feel like lately it’s been “extra hard” thinking. Just FYI, this post talks about my current pregnancy, so if you’re having a bad day please guard your heart. I will not be offended.
For example-
• Am I going to be ok with the giant dinosaur being moved away from Kenley’s door? I will have to look at the physical door every day now when I walk to Landon’s room. You might think it’s stupid, but trust me, it’s not.
• There has been talk about a baby shower for this baby. I didn’t have one for Kenley because I bought every.single.thing. she could have ever needed in her entire first year of life. While I, in theory, would love to throw this baby a shower…I would feel more guilt than ever imgaineable because I didn’t have one for K. How could I not have had one for her; For my perfect sweet girl. It breaks my heart.
• How am I going to deal with her nursery? I know some people say “it’s like a hand me down”, or “reuse some of the things for the new baby’s nursery”. While I appreciate their insight, it’s just not that easy. Repainting her room means I will (willingly) paint over the color I spent so many months picking out. I bought 7 samples of paint before finding her color. SEVEN. It had to be perfect, and it was absolutely perfect– but I can’t reuse the same color. Her dresser will be reused for her little sister, and needs to be repainted as well. I spent a month painting that thing, so happy and enjoying every second of it.
Now, thinking about repainting the dresser makes me want to die. It makes me feel like a traitor to my own daughter. This feeling goes along with everything in her nursery that I will be replacing (don’t say it’s not replacing, because it IS) for our new daughter. It’s a whole separate level of weird grief.
• I know that I will feel sad using the same clothes for this baby that I bought specifically for Kenley. I want to use them, but at the same time I want to get rid of everything that was specifically hers. I would feel horrible if I really did get rid of it, because they are her things. They are the things we specifically for her; for the daughter that we so badly wanted, yet just couldn’t keep for some reason.
• I can’t help but think that she was failed by modern medicine. It’s 2015/16 and she died inside of me; inside of the one place where she was supposed to be the safest. My body failed her, because someone somewhere SOMEHOW missed something very important on one of Kenley’s ultrasounds. We had so many that it blows my mind it happened. I do not believe I was given enough NSTs. I had ONE….because I asked for it. I’m sorry, but listening to my baby’s HB on a doppler, once every 2 weeks, for five seconds is NOT good enough. My poor girl, I wish I could have given her better care. I wish I would have been taken seriously when I told ALL of my doctors that I knew she needed to come at 38 weeks. She died at 38+4. Cue all the guilt in the whole wide world.
• Naming this beautiful child I’m carrying might be one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do in my life. I knew since the age of 21 that if I ever had a daughter, her name would be Kenley. I told Shane and he agreed. We knew her name 9 years before we had her. We never wavered. And now? Now I get to say her name forever, sure, but through grief and sadness. How is any of this fair?
• How can I make myself enjoy this pregnancy? I think I’m keeping my distance, as I’m sure most people do during a subsequent pregnancy after losing their child. How am I for sure that this child will come home to us? What if I was to go through all of the preparations again, and get excited, and this baby dies too? I have an anterior placenta this pregnancy, so I’m already not going to be able to feel kicks as early as before. I can’t find her HB on my doppler yet, when I found K’s @ 10 weeks. It’s like everything is telling me to just “keep your distance” and I don’t want to, but I also feel like I hands down have to.
• We have 2 embryos on ice; they are male embryos. I love having Landon SO much. He was my first baby, and I would never change that obviously… but boys are hard. Maybe it was just Landon, but he was crazy. He didn’t sleep through the night until age 3, and that’s being SUPER generous because he still had a rough night 4/7 days a week up until Kindergarten. Thinking about having this girl, then going on to have 2 more boys freaks me out. On the other hand, those are my babies. I fought so hard and went through so much to get them that I feel terrible for even thinking about NOT having them. When we started the IVF process things were still super fresh for us.
I told Shane that no matter how many PGS normal embryos we got, that’s how many we were going to have. So we got 3. We were satisfied with that number. Now that I’m pregnant i’m worried that I won’t want to go through this again. I love being pregnant; it makes me feel so grounded and amazing. I had pretty rough pregnancies before this one. Landon made me sick, and it was my first so it was new and weird. Kenley’s pregnancy was SO nasty. I was nauseous and sick 24/7. I had intense fatigue, and my pubic bone separated and caused the worst pain I’ve ever felt. This pregnancy has been fucking CAKE compared to the previous two. I don’t know why, but I’m not sick. I’m tired, but no where near the level I felt with K. I feel like this baby knows she needs to cut me some slack because I have been through hell, and deserve to have at least one good pregnancy.
If we choose to have the additional two children, we need a new house. We are busting at the seams as it its now. I know that we could make it work here with 2 children and our grief for the one we lost, but if we added any others we just wouldn’t have the space. So there is a lot that goes into the process. What I wouldn’t give to just get pregnant naturally. I’m so thankful that I was able to experience that with Landon. He gave me that joy, that naive joy of taking a test and seeing it say “pregnant”, the sheer joy of not knowing that bad things can happen to people who want a baby so badly. I will never forget those moments with Landon. I remember the day that created him so well, I remember buying the tests. I remember calling my mom and saying “uh I think I’m pregnant” and her response being” what do you mean you THINK you’re pregnant!”. I’m so thankful I got to surprise Shane that one time. I love those memories so much.
My mind has been a busy battle ground lately. I’m so sad and so happy at all times.
I don’t know how I get through every day.
yeah…still hatin’ on Xmas.
Today is Tuesday. I’ve lost count of how many weeks you’ve been gone. The only thing I know is you’ve been gone longer than I kept you alive, and that stings. It stings bad. I don’t know why or how I failed you, or why my body decided to fail you. I don’t know why you can’t be here with me…almost 10 months old. I will never know why these things happened. I will never know why I don’t get the chance to know you as my daughter.
Tuesday’s are our family night. We go to dinner, and hit toys r us, sometimes we get ice cream too. Tonight we went to Granville. I love Granville for its charm, and I used to be obsessed with it during Christmas time. This year? This year I’m pretty sure we won’t go there during the Holidays. I’m planning to boycott Granville trips this winter.
After dinner at a tiny (like 13 tables tiny) Mexican restaurant, we got Whits Frozen Custard and then went to Toys r Us.
Terrible idea.
BAM! Christmas ornaments right when you walk in.
UM. HELLO. IT’S NOT EVEN HALLOWEEN, OR THANKSGIVING…LET ALONE CHRISTMAS. So, please kindly fuck off with all that crap. At the end of each aisle? Bins of Christmas wrapping paper. Like…I get it. Christmas WILL happen this year, I can’t just stop it from happening (no matter how hard I try, I’m sure). I just really don’t want it to happen.
Thinking about the Holidays makes me want to cry, scream, hibernate, or break things (like glass, or really expensive dishes- something that will make a huge mess and be loud). Thinking that I have to act happy for the Holidays this year…I just can’t. I can’t do that. I SHOULD be planning a 1st birthday, but instead I’ll be crying into my Turkey at Thanksgiving and wanting to curl up into a ball and die on Christmas.
REALLY EXCITING STUFF HERE GUYS.
Halloween->Thanksgiving->Christmas->The worst day of my life->(NYE) coming home to an empty nursery with empty arms.
The Holidays can suck it this year.
family, weddings, and refi- Oh my!
I’m here! I swear!
I’ve been so busy this past week that I really haven’t had time to post much of anything.
On Wednesday of last week all 3 (well 4) of us made the trip up to my hometown for my little sisters wedding. We spent the next 2 days setting up, typing up loose ends, and making sure everything was perfect for her big day. Friday, we had the rehearsal, then we all hung out and ate BBQ (which was freakin delish).
Saturday morning we woke up and met everyone at the hair salon. I was one of the first ones to get my hair done that way my mom and I could go do the things that we needed to do for the wedding. When we were done with those things, we gathered up my sisters dress, our dresses, and headed to her house to wait for the other girls to get there. Once everyone was there we started getting ready. I’m pretty sure my sister has about $500 in foundation in her makeup arsenal. We had pizza, and everyone was drinking (except me and another girl) and having a good time. The videographer arrived, followed by the photographer. Soon it was time to get into our dresses, and get Cassie into hers.
Once everyone was ready, we walked outside and got some photos done in their back yard.
Then…off we went to the ceremony! Everything kind of happened really fast. Landon was the ring bearer, and did a really freakin great job. I couldn’t even believe how good he did. I kind of figured he would be nervous or something, but nope. My little boy is a social butterfly (more to come on this later lol). They were finally married and people were hanging out taking pictures and drinking beer. Around 4:30 the party bus came to pick up the bridal party for photos and ridiculous amounts of booze for those able to drink.
We drove around and got some really fun pictures in special places. Then, we arrived back at the reception venue. We were greeted by the DJ and he explained where we were to walk, what we were to do etc. We walked in, and all met on the dance floor waiting for the newly married couple. After a few photos, and them cutting the cake (side note- they cut the cake, and ate their own pieces instead of feeding each other. I lol’ed so hard) we were seated. Then, it was time for my speech. I wrote it with the help of Shane in hopes that I could make it light hearted and I wouldn’t cry. I was pretty sure I could handle it without breaking down- wrong. Pretty much everything makes me cry these days, but just being there with her, and seeing how beautiful and happy she looked filled my heart with so much joy.
It made me miss the days where we were so little, and I hated being near her. It made me wish that I could go back and relive those times with her. Now, she’s 125 miles away at all times and I can’t see her whenever I want. It really makes me sad pretty much 24/7 because besides Shane, she is my best friend.
So anyway, I cried. Barely able to get it together to finish my story, but I managed. Then we were released to eat and I ate some of the best freakin mashed potatoes I’ve ever eaten in my lifeeeeee. I want them right now, actually. The rest of the night is kind of a blur. Lots of people dancing, lots of talking to family that I haven’t seen since Kenley died. Tons of people came up to me and told me that they read this blog and that really touched my heart so thank you guys for saying the things that you did to me. I love that Kenley is so loved by all of you.
Landon was a dancing machine. I’m going to try and upload a video so you can see it because oh my god. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more love for this kid than at the moment he was called to the dance floor by himself to dance to AC/DC TNT….and he tore that shit up. He has some real moves, I was impressed!!
All in all the weekend was a great success. I had such a good time, Shane had a nice time relaxing and being away from home, too. Landon found a new love in Amanda, and I’m pretty sure Cassie had an awesome time. Now for some pictures!
We are getting our house appraised in hopes that we can eliminate our PMI payment, combine our IVF loan (home equity loan) and our mortgage into one payment, and save close to $700 a month. We have our appraisal set for Thursday @ 2:30, and were trying to get the few things done (paint touch ups, patching a hole in the wall that shane made while chasing Landon around the house one day) before the appraiser comes. I’m kind of stressing out a little about it strictly because she is going to go into Kenley’s nursery. She is going to see that we are without a baby, and that the Nursery looks untouched. She is going to see the sign on our wall that says our baby was too beautiful for earth and her birthdate. She’s going to wonder, and probably ask.
I am not afraid to tell her about Kenley. I am not afraid to talk about her. I will talk about her, very openly. I just hope that she doesn’t panic and leave our house feeling weirded out because yeah…dead babies are not a fun topic. Whatever. I guess we will see how it goes. Send the good vibes my way…hopefully our house appraises for what we need so we can catch a fucking break.
While we were home we had lunch at a little Chinese place that we used to frequent when we lived there. While we were eating, my IG dinged letting me know that I had a DM. I was contacted by a woman named Lauren from Breastfeeding World asking if I would be willing to write a piece in honor of Pregnancy and Infant loss month about Kenley. I was so touched that she reached out to me, and I cannot wait for my piece to be featured on this Friday! I will link to it on Friday when it’s posted in case anyone wants to read it. I shared some photos that I haven’t shared before, and it was really emotional for me to write. I hope someday that I can write a piece for them about the joys I will (hopefully) feel when I am able to breastfeed my Rainbow baby.
I have an MFM appointment on Thursday at 10:30. This will just be a check up to make sure everything is looking good. I have been feeling little miss kicking off and on more lately. I guess my MFM typically finds the heartbeat via ultrasound instead of doppler, which I am ok with, but I just hope that maybe I can talk her into letting me see her for a few seconds. I haven’t in like 5 weeks and it’s killing me.
And finally, Saturday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. My Sister had a special place for Kenley at a memorial table with a K, fox, and candle. It was very sweet, and moved me to tears. I also was sent many many texts, DMs, etc to let me know that a candle was being lit for Kenley and that she was being thought of. I wanted to show you all the candles that were lit for her, so here they are.
So there is a run down of what’s been up in my neck of the woods. I’m hoping that things are going to calm down after this week so I can get back to regular posting. I feel so much comfort when I speak about Kenley and how she impacts my life. I love that little girl so incredibly much…I missed her so bad this weekend.
I miss her every second of every day.
I will miss her for the rest of my life.
wave of light.
Tomorrow is the big day – My little sisters wedding. It’s been a long time in the making, and we’ve busted our asses getting it all set up. I love how it has turned out, and I cannot wait to be there tomorrow to celebrate with her! She set up a table in memorial for her fiancés brother who passed away, and Kenley. It is beautiful, and it made me cry. I’m so thankful that she included our sweet girl.
Tomorrow is also another big day – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
At 7 pm around the world in all time zones you are asked to light a candle in memory of all the babies and children gone too soon. I’m asking you to light a candle for my sweet girl, Kenley, tomorrow evening. If you do this, I also would love to see a picture of it. If you know me, and know my phone number, text me. If you follow me on IG, upload it and tag me, or DM it to me. If you don’t know any of those things and you still want to show me the candle you lit for my sweet girl, send it through my contact page here.
I hope that many of you will participate in this tomorrow not only for our sweet girl, but for all her little friends that were taken too soon.
photo prompt.
As many of you know, I am doing the capture your grief challenge on my IG. Each day’s prompt gives you an outlet to speak about the real emotions related to losing your child. Today’s prompt was Beautiful Mysteries.
Um. Ouch. Mega mega ouch.
This prompt urged you to speak about the mysteries of your child. I chose to speak of where I would see Kenley now. What would she be? Who would she be? I found todays prompt extremely hard. I have a rough time with envisioning my dead baby as a real baby. I don’t know if it’s strictly because I don’t want to think about it because I know it can never happen. I don’t know if I don’t want to hurt my heart like that? When I opened my heart for this challenge today, I just found myself crying while writing it. I chose to use a photo of Kenley’s hair for todays photo. Her beautiful, auburn, strawberry hair makes my heart melt; it was the most beautiful color. The lock of hair we have from her is dark brown, though. I don’t remember it looking that way in real life, and I HATE that. I hate that I can’t clearly recall what her hair looked like. Sure, photos help, but she’s my daughter…why does my brain block it out?
Grief brain?
Is it my heart and soul protecting itself?
I’m not sure what it is, but I am sure one one thing…I would give anything to be able to see her one more time.
random.
I think today is going to be a post of a bunch of random things because I can’t really think of a way to put them into an organized post…so here goes nothing.
• I’m participating in the capture your grief social media photo prompt challenge. I really enjoy writing all of my feelings out, even when they don’t make sense or come off super bitchy. I don’t mean them to come off that way, but it seems like they do. It doesn’t make me worried that they’re offending people because that’s not the point of the photo challenge, it’s to express your feelings. I think it’s very helpful for me. I didn’t think I would be able to do it, honestly. I thought that I would just cry every single day when I went to post, but I’m handling it pretty well. I’m proud of myself.
• Yesterday was my birthday. I knew it was going to suck (emotionally) strictly because it was supposed to be so different than it actually was. I was supposed to have my beautiful almost 10 month old daughter with me. I don’t really know how I expected the day to go had she been here, but she wasn’t here and it sucked- bottom line. Shane and Landon bought me flowers, and cards so that was super nice. Shane spent the day hanging our new bathroom light fixture, and installed two new dimmer switches in the house. We had a nice dinner with Landon and watched Harry Potter. It was a nice day, just a sad one.
• Landon LOVES Harry Potter. I mean, he asks to watch it every night. We are already on the Goblet of Fire. I don’t see his interest slowing down any time soon. He even asked to be Harry for halloween. My heart is so full! (We are mega HP nerds here…) After Shane and I found out we were pregnant, we took a trip to Orlando and went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was the first place that Kenley went when she existed. I was so happy to know that she was with me then.
• I’ve spent way too much time in front of the TV the past day or so watching news about the Hurricane. I mean…like WAY too much time. I find it very interesting, honestly. I’ve been watching clips from Haiti and there are children standing next to rushing water. Uh…maybe don’t stand so close???? It gives me serious anxiety!
• This morning we got Landon up and ready for school. We watched him get on the bus, and then came back inside. When I walked in, Shane yelled “hey wanna watch tv in bed for a little bit?”. UM. YES. So we laid in bed, watched the weather channel, had breakfast in bed, and ended up falling asleep. It was such a nice relaxing morning. I do not remember the last time I felt that relaxed. I didn’t roll my ass out of bed until 12:40! It was amazing.
• Next weekend my little sister is getting married. I’m hoping to be able to head to my hometown in the middle of the week next week. We’ll see what happens with Shane’s work schedule, but it would be nice for all of us to “get away” for a little bit, even if it is going to be hectic.
• I can feel myself maybe falling back into a slump? I’m not sure exactly what it is that I’m feeling, but I have been putting off house work again, and just feeling like I want to sleep all the time. I know it very well could be the fact that I’m pregnant, but it doesn’t feel that way. I dunno. I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it. What does that even mean? I guess i’ll just wait and see how much more laundry builds up and I will equate that to how I’m feeling emotionally? Ugh.
• and last but not least…we went to Lowe’s on Wednesday while Landon was in school. We walked through the paint, and picked out a few colors for this baby’s room. We had talked about what colors we wanted to look at, so…I decided that since I have officially hit my 2nd trimester (already…) that I would look. So, there’s that.
fall.
I know that every holiday is going to suck, probably forever. Sure, the suckage might lessen as the years drone on and on, but they will always be missing our family member. My sweet girl will always be a “what if” for me. What would I have dressed her in this year for Halloween?
You know, I can’t even answer that because my heart won’t let me think about it. It hurts way too fucking much. It stings. It’s like someone stabbing me over and over in this open wound that I call my heart now.
No matter what it’s always going to be painful.
Tonight, we went to get pumpkins. Landon chose two pumpkins for both of his sisters. He has a heart old gold, that boy. He also chose a super small decorative pumpkin and said that it was “just incase I have a brother some day”. He had such a good time and loved looking at all the fall things this place had to offer.
I, however, could not help but be sad I wasn’t pushing her in a stroller, or giving her a small sip of apple cider to see her little face pucker up.
These things, these normal everyday things, that “regular” people take for granted are so painful. I know I took them for granted with Landon, for sure. Hell yes I took them for granted- I never in a million years thought there would EVER be a reason I should feel otherwise.
But, now that it’s fall, my heart is still broken and my arms are still empty, I can’t help but realize how much I’ve taken for granted with Kenley.
I would love to be inconvenienced by anything Kenley related, besides her death. I would give up my life to hear her cry just once; to hear her take a breath of the air she will never breathe.
I just wanted to buy you a pumpkin…and be able to see you hold it.
But, instead, it will sit on the front porch with all the others- untouched by your beautiful little hands.
And seeing that? That will break my heart all over again.
weekend.
This weekend was my little Sister’s Bachelorette “day” out. We went on a luncheon cruise (where everyone drank amazingly delicious smelling sangria) and listened to a DJ play some serious wedding tunes. It was really relaxing and enjoyable, even if I did feel like I wanted to yack once or twice. Thanks motion sickness! Afterward we went and got pedicures, and walked around an outdoor mall for a while.
All in all it was a pretty awesome day, and I’m really happy I was able to come home for the weekend and spend it with my sister (and the other bridesmaids).
When I got back to my Mom’s, I was beat. I guess being almost 31 (ugh. ugh ugh ugh.) will do that to you! Ha- just kidding. I know 31 isn’t “old” in the grand scheme of things life, but holy shit…I feel old now. After Kenley died, I immediately aged 10 years physically, and probably 50 years emotionally/mentally. I feel like I look old, I feel like I have no desire to do much of anything (hello depression, you nasty bitch) but I try to make myself look presentable (usually fail pretty well at this and end up in mascara and leggings). I have to force myself to enjoy things (also fail). I have tension headaches a lot these days, and I can feel the anxiety heavy in my chest. Sometimes, I will have an extra anxiety ridden day and I can literally feel it in my sternum. I have the need to crack my chest; until I make it happen, I have an excruciating pain where I can’t stand up straight and taking a deep breath is like knives in my chest.
Anyway, back to this weekend.
Landon has been sick for 50 years (read: 1.5 weeks-ish) and I just figured it was seasonal allergies, or a mild cold. He started to get pretty lethargic and stuff last week so I kept an eye on it and told myself if he wasn’t better soon that I would make an appointment. Saturday he complained of a headache all day, and over night he came into my bedroom screaming and hyperventilating saying that his head hurt so bad on the right side. I tried to calm him down, ended up giving him some Motrin and he laid with him until he fell back to sleep. In the morning he came into my room at 6am complaining again. I got up, and fed him breakfast and we watched Spongebob in the dark until about 7:30. He then started crying and freaking out about his head again.
I didn’t know what to do and honestly he was starting to scare me. I told my mom that I needed to take him to the ER so off we went. Long story short no strep, no ear infection, no anything. They gave me a script for Sudafed- a decongestant. I’m not sure how this will help his intense head pain?…but I’m no doctor. I’m going to keep a really close eye on it, and the second he complains again about his head we’re going to get a CT scan. I don’t really talk about it too much, but when Landon was 3 we had something similar happen to him. He ended up needing an Electroencephleogram (An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test used to detect abnormalities related to electrical activity of the brain. This procedure tracks and records brain wave patterns. Small metal discs with thin wires (electrodes) are placed on the scalp, and then send signals to a computer to record the results.) because he was having super weird twitches and making random noises all the time. I was pretty sure that he had Tourettes or something.
Turns out he was ok, but has “extra electrodes (or neurons? I can’t remember) firing in his brain” and for people with this, 50% of them have a 50% chance of having a seizure at some point in their life time. So…technically not ok? But again…not a doctor here. Also they mentioned that children with these extra whatever’s firing are often “gifted”. That’s about the only part that makes sense. If you know Landon at all, you will probably more than likely agree the kid is super fuckin smart.
Ask him anything about Dinosaurs, I dare you.
We got back to my Mom’s, packed our stuff up and went to visit my Dad for a little while. As we were leaving my Dad’s, Shane text me and said he just got breaking news on his phone that there was a shooting on I-71 near the Polaris area. The Highway Patrol had shut down both north and southbound lanes of the highway, so I figured I would be stuck in traffic. Well, when I got to the I-71 on ramp in Mansfield, it was a shit show. The traffic lights were all out, there were no cops there to direct traffic because they were all at the crash scene of the shooter literally 2 miles up the road. Landon and I got some lunch, and hung out in the car for a little while to watch the traffic nightmare.
I googled and found out that the shooter had shot a man 6 times from a park bench (wtf is wrong with people?) as he was walking back to this car from the restroom at the rest stop. He then hopped in his car, and drove north. The cops found his vehicle on 71 and chased him north of the Mansfield exit where he ran over spike strips and hit the guardrail. He then shot and killed himself in his car.
I was watching the highway as we ate lunch, and I saw the cars that are pictured in the news article I linked to speeding down the highway toward the crash sight. It’s insane to me how close I was to actually witnessing this high speed chase. Thank god I didn’t. Once I got on 71 South, there was no issue and we made it home pretty quickly (1.5 hrs).
So now I’m home and curled up in bed with Shane. What a long weekend!
Here’s hoping that Landon feels better, I feel better and Shane doesn’t catch what we have.
Also, I’m participating in the “capture your grief” photo challenge for the month of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. If you don’t know what it is, head on over to my Instagram page (see the side of my blog for the link) and check it out. It’s amazing, and I know that it is such an important thing for myself to do. It helps me to honor my sweet girl, and keep her memory alive.
You can also see a new photo of my beautiful Kenley. I am so in love with her face.
clothes.
Let me start this post by saying today is 9 months since Kenley died.
Today, Shane and I went to Kohl’s to find him some dress clothes for my sister’s wedding in October. Of course, Kohl’s is always full of mom’s with double strollers. I mean like…EVERY.WHERE. I am really glad that we had to just be in the men’s section because I only saw them when we were checking out. It doesn’t make me “mad” like it used to, it just makes me feel pretty sad/blah. Kinda like takes my breath away? I dunno. I look at these women with their kids, and their newborn carrier in the stroller and I just feel sad. I feel upset that I don’t get my daughter. I feel a little jab of jealously that they (more than likely) don’t know the absolute horror that is preparing for a baby that will never come home.
They probably had a typical pregnancy, with no issues, and brought their beautiful living breathing crying baby home from he hospital. You know, but I could be totally wrong. Maybe they had a terrible pregnancy and thought they were going to lose their baby. Whatever the case is, bottom line, they have their child and I do not have mine.
I’m having a weird time with people who have their second child right now. I’m also having a hard time seeing women who had their babies near the time Kenley was born, and are getting pregnant again. Ouch. I know it sounds so fucked up, right? I’m pregnant again. I’m going to have a baby (hopefully) in March. There is a good chance that this baby will survive and we will bring her home from the hospital. It just doesn’t matter; all of those things do not matter when you’ve lost your child. It’s like this new reality that I was forced into living is the worst one possible.
I’m sure there are many people in my life who are thinking I should “be over it” by now, or that I should be feeling better/different about things. I am feeling “better” (probably just natural to feel <strike>better</strike> differently after a certain point?) but that’s not to say that I don’t wake up every morning and feel the emptiness in my heart. It’s a part of me now. I can’t just “get better”. I will never “be better”. I know it’s hard for some people to understand, but that’s just not going to happen.
I will probably always have a sharp pain in my heart when I see a baby/child/teenager who is Kenley’s age. I will always feel her absense in my life, during holiday’s, during family outings, with every single breath that I take for the rest of my life. I’m not looking forward to my birthday next week. Last year for my 30th, it was the greatest birthday I’ve ever had. I was about 6 months pregnant with Kenley, Shane and Landon bought me the most beautiful past present future ring I’ve ever seen, and we had an amazing day together… not this year.
Someday’s I am just really sick of having to hold it all together, of having to “fake it”.
Sometimes it just feels like I’ve had enough.
Somedays it feels like most people have forgotten her. I feel like I’m the only one who thinks of her and that really breaks my heart.
Once again, I’m trying. I am trying for you, Kenley. I’m trying to get through this life without you.
Our Sweet K. 