MFM.

Posted by Randi

Today we had our dating ultrasound at the MFM office. I was so anxious, and nervous; I puked for the first time this morning, so I was going into the appointment with high hopes. When we arrived at the office, I was immediately impressed by how new it all looked. We walked in and the building was AMAZING. It was just finished in June of this year, and the whole decoration theme is that of Ohio State. Everything was just so clean and sparkly which somehow made me feel more confident in the Doctors. So lame, I know, but it’s true!

When we went back, we were put into an ultrasound room that was HUGE with a giant monitor. Once we started the scan, the tech (who was like, 23 years old MAX) was so sweet to us, and showed us everything. She told us exactly what we were looking at, and showed us the little flicker on the screen that was our girl’s heart beating away- 176 BPM. She looks like a gummy bear, and had arms and legs (although they are super tiny). The tech held the probe in one position long enough for us to see our girl dancing around. I pretty much lost it immediately. I was crying for most of the scan. It was so wonderful to see another baby with a heartbeat inside of me, growing like she should – but at the same time, it was so sad. We were given some great pictures, and told to wait for the Doctor to come in to discuss with us.

We waited for a long time, but it was totally worth it.

The Doctor came in, and I immediately fell in love with him. He answered all of our questions, and spent some serious time with us. He pulled records from Landon’s delivery and went over them with us. He informed us of all the tests he wanted to run, and that he would allow us to come back in 2 weeks for another scan. We have that scan set for 9/8. The new patient appointment is set for 9/22, at which I will meet with one of the Doctors to discuss our plan of action. At this appointment we will also have our NT scan (Nuchal Translucency Screening) as I will be 12 weeks. They also set us up for our 18 week detailed anatomy scan on 11/3. This made me extremely happy to hear- DETAILED. If you recall in one of my previous posts I discussed how our anatomy scan with Kenley was 9 minutes. I truly hope that I am at my anatomy scan with the MFM for an hour. I don’t care how long I have to be there, please just make sure my baby is ok.

Then, on 12/13 I will go in for a Fetal Echocardiogram. Can I tell you how fucking happy I am to be given all this monitoring? I mean… I’m just beyond thrilled. I know that my baby will be given THE BEST care that I can provide for her. It does hurt my heart to know that Kenley could have been given this care, and she wasn’t. That was pretty hard to deal with today, I won’t lie. I know that I did everything for Kenley that I could, but it just cuts like a knife to know that there was someone out there who could have been able to save her, maybe. I don’t know. It’s just sad.

So, bottom line is we LOVE the MFM team at Ohio State. I am throughly looking forward to going through a pregnancy with them. I know that they will take my concerns seriously, and do everything they can to bring this baby into the world screaming.

On another note, A GIANT THANK YOU to everyone who donated to the Molly Bear fundraiser. We exceeded our goal, and I have officially placed my order for my Kenley Bear!!! The bear should ship out to us within 4 weeks! This makes my heart so happy. They asked for a few specific design requests for the bear, so Shane and I thought about that for a while today. We decided to go with foxes (obviously) and her nursery colors- Coral, Yellow, and Teal. No matter what the Kenley Bear looks like, I will be so thankful for her. I’m so excited. I’m also pretty sure that when it comes I will cry pretty hard.

All in all…today was a pretty good day.

nothing.

Posted by Randi

Today has been a rough day. I don’t know why these days seem to come so randomly; when they come, they come on like a hurricane. Yesterday I slept until noon. I haven’t done this since I was probably 16 years old. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and thank god Shane just let me sleep. This morning, the same thing, I didn’t wake up until 10:30. I know it’s normal to feel tired right now; I was SO tired when pregnant with Kenley. I just really think that it’s something else. I think that it’s my desire to be alone and stay in bed so I don’t have to deal with the day for any longer than I have to, honestly.

I know that I am depressed. I know that I take medicine, and it helps. I know that some days are always going to be harder than the others, but fuck. Today just sucked so much life out of me that I want to go to bed right now…at 8:49pm. Today was one of those days that drug on, and on. Shane left for work at 1, so it was just Landon and I all day. Usually, I can handle him and we figure out things to occupy us throughout the day. Today…he was wild. So full of energy and just wound up so tight. I know it’s because we haven’t been able to get out of the house as it’s been hotter than the surface of the sun outside. My dad stopped by after visiting the drag strip near our house today. That broke up the day a little bit, but Landon gets so crazy around him.

After he left, we made dinner and watched some TV together. To my surprise he cuddled with me. After a while he got up and went to his bedroom; he came back with the stuffed bear I was given when I left the hospital. He climbed back up on the couch and handed it to me. That was it. Nothing else was said, and we kept watching tv.

I’m not sure if he knew I was feeling rough, or if he was missing her too.

I saw a link today to a book called “The Story Of” and I just lost it. It’s a book that can be personalized with your child’s name and loss information to tell the story about why they are no longer here. I went on the website and just browsed through the pictures that are available for your “child” to be drawn as. Ugh. Just so many UGHS. I don’t want to buy a book to fucking talk about how my child died, and why she’s not here– Yet, I want it so badly. I want to have it, just another thing to put into a chest that will sit at the end of my bed and hold all of her things. Things like her quilt that my Mamaw made specifically for Kenley after I showed her a few pictures. She took so much time picking out the fabric, and creating this special thing for her great grand daughter; her great grand daughter who will never ever get to use that quilt. Or, the crocheted blanket that my Mom made for her, with a rainbow border…because she was supposed to be my rainbow baby.

Those things will sit in the chest along with her memory box with her foot prints on the top, her lock of beautiful auburn hair, her bracelets from the hospital, the outfits that we took photos of her in at the hospital, and her baby book. The baby book I filled in while sitting in her Nursery, feeling her move inside of me.

I miss my beautiful baby girl so much.

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you, Kenley. I am so sorry.

balloons.

Posted by Randi

Tuesday was my Father in law’s 60th Birthday; My Mother in law’s was Wednesday. We went over to visit, and have pizza. Landon and Madison (my 6 year old niece) were playing with balloons; they started asking questions about sending the balloons into outer space. I told them both that on Kenley’s 1st birthday I want to buy a bunch of balloons and send them up to K. Immediately, they both screamed that they wanted to do it RIGHT NOW.

We walked outside, those two with their foil helium filled birthday balloons, and me with my phone to take pictures. When we got outside, they both were laughing and excited to send the balloons up to Kenley. They let them go, and watched them until they couldn’t see them anymore. They had such a good time letting them go.

Fast Forward to today, just right now…

I’m doing dishes, and look up out the window…At the very back of my property I see something shining and blue stuck in a pine tree– It’s a blue foil balloon.

It’s even a star, just like the ones they let off

I’m pretty sure that someone sent her brother back a balloon. I showed Landon, and he is so excited. If these things are the things that I can do to make him happy, and remember his little sister in a happy way, then I will find these moments as often as I can.

We miss you, baby girl. We all miss you so incredibly much.

5a9ffba7a6831f980a4ec0245f60ba1a