Author: Randi

last call on Kenley photos.

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I just want to thank everyone who has sent us photos of Kenley’s name! I love them all; it’s amazing to see her name in all these different ways.

If you were/are planning on sending a photo this is the last call 🙂 I would like them to be in my possession by the 16th that way I can spend the weekend working on the collage. 

I am just blown away by all the photos we have. I can’t wait to see them all come together.

A million thank you’s to everyone who has sent a photo. Seeing my girl’s name written out (along with the messages of love you send with them) has really helped my heart this winter.

❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

 

grief is love with no place to go.

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I’ve been wanting to adopt a family for Christmas, but with all this grief and stress I have going on time has slipped away from me. Today was the last day to actually take the gifts to the office, and I didn’t even get a chance to pick a family. ugh. I really really wanted to do this.

15 sleeps until Christmas.

19 sleeps until Kenley’s first birthday.

Landon is with my family this weekend. My Mom and Stepdad are taking him to the grinch musical, and to dave and busters to eat. He’s going to have one hell of a weekend. I’m so thankful that they do fun stuff with him, but I miss him terribly.

I spent the night shopping for preemie and newborn sleepers online to buy and donate to the hospital. My goal, once again, is to have them up to the hospital by Kenley’s first birthday.

•• If you feel you would like to purchase a sleeper and send it to me for donation, let me know. The more we donate, the more loss parents we can help. ••

Tonight I was able to purchase 4 preemie sleepers, and 6 newborn sleepers. I’m sure that I will buy a few more tonight as I browse the internet for great deals.

Once again, grief is love with no place to go.

I have all this love for my daughter who should be here. Who should be crawling around causing chaos. Who should be giving me wet kisses. But, it has no place to go. So, helping people makes my heart feel better…and that’s all I can really ask for.

Just another shout out to my amazing husband for supporting me and all the things I need to do to make my heart feel better. I love you. I love you. I love you. You will never know how much.

 

some days. 

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* first off, TW because there is a bump photo at the end of this post…* 

I know that all loss mom’s can relate to having one good day followed by a really bad couple of days. At least that’s what it seemed to be like in my early days. I would have a really good day where I could think of Kenley, smile, and keep my eyes dry. Those days are coming more frequently (although I cry most every day, sometimes more than others, and sometimes I go a few days without crying- it’s kind of a crap shoot really…).  It seems as if I’m having more “meh” days this month which, to be honest, I fully expected. The build up of this holiday, and then her birthday sometimes feels like it’s going to crush me. 

I’ve been feeling really tired lately. The kind of tired where you just never feel rested. I’m sure it has something to do with getting over pneumonia, but it just feels like more than that; it feels like my soul is tired. I would be lying if I said that this is the first time I’ve felt this kind of tiredness- It’s not. And, I fully expect it to not be the last time either. I have been in bed at 8 pm for the past three nights, and tonight I’m in bed again ( crawled in around 8:04…) and Shane is snoring beside me. He’s allowed to be tired; he gets up at 4am, works all day, and comes home to me- the grieving wife. 

The wife who is so tired that she hits snooze on her alarm twice and has to rush to get her son out the door to school. The wife who went back to sleep until 11 am and BARELY found the strength to roll herself out of bed, only to plant herself on the couch until her husband got home at 2pm. The wife who crys randomly. The wife who just sucks all the happiness out of everything (or so it feels) because she is constantly carrying the heaviest of burdens-  The burden of letting her daughter die. 

I don’t know why I’m so tired, but it feels like depression. I’m sure this month is to blame, actually I’m almost 100% positive it is. I’m trying to be excited for Christmas, but every day that Landon and I take a link off our countdown chain, I kinda wanna die. 

20 days till Christmas

24 days until what should be Kenley’s first birthday on earth, but instead it’s the anniversary of the day I had to say goodbye to my perfect child. 

We got our first Christmas card today ( as per usual it was from my Aunt Kathi- every year!) and Landon was so happy that he kept the envelope in his room. 

Yep, the envelope- not the card. 

I am not sending cards this year. Last year, I wrote out cards and as I was writing Kenley’s name in them, I just felt like “You shouldn’t do that. You’re going to jinx it…” and well…we all know what happened. 

So, no cards this year. 

I don’t think we’re doing gifts for anyone but Landon, either. For one, it makes me fucking sick to think about wrapping anything, about sitting on the floor with Shane and being in the exact same situation as last year…pregnant, with our daughter, expecting a good outcome. 

And second, getting anyone to give us ideas is like pulling teeth so, whatever. 

I have a fetal echocardiogram on December 13th, so I’m glad we will have another ultrasound of her before the Holiday but it doesn’t bring me comfort. I also have a growth ultrasound on December 22nd, so again, happy but zero comfort. 

This Christmas I will be 26 weeks pregnant with my second daughter. 

How I wish things were so much different. I wish I had Kenley, and was also pregnant. I wish she could have lived. 

I bought all three of my children stockings. They are hanging in between Mine and Shane’s on the TV stand where we always hang them…

3 stockings= 1 child 

I’m not good at math but that just seems so fucking wrong. 


Also, surprise. We’re naming this little girl Alden, after her big sister. 

And last but not least, here is my first official bump photo. I’ve been very hesitant to post one, mostly because it still bothers me to see myself pregnant to an extent (also I know how much these photos hurt other loss mommas…)  But, in the spirit of loving this child just as much as I love Landon and Kenley…. here is 22+4


Hope you like my bitmoji, I look super pissed in this pic so I opted for a smiling fake me instead. 

almost finished. 

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The care packages are coming together finally! My stickers came today, along with a “you are not alone” card. The sentiments on this card were written by a fellow loss Momma. She lost her beautiful daughter, Rain, but was able to bring Rains twin brother Brahm home. I carry a special place in my heart for Rain, and her momma. I’m so thankful she allowed me to use her words. I added my blog and Instagram because I want to be accessible to ANYONE who needs to find someone after their loss.

I put together my first one this afternoon and it felt SO GOOD. I don’t know what it is about these care packages but I want to make a million and give them out to everyone.



  • Puffs soft pack tissues
  • Memories too few book
  • A journal and pen
  • You are the mother of all mothers
  • A candle
  • A bottle of lotion
  • Chapstick
  • A packet of forget me not seeds

I’m really happy with everything. I keep wondering if there is more I should add, or if this is enough. I’m always second guessing myself.

December.

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Well, it’s here- December. I have been waiting all year for this month. Maybe waiting is a bad way to describe it, more so it’s been looming heavily over my head. As each month passed by and Kenley should have been another month older, I knew it was getting closer.

And here it is. In full force.

And I’m terrified.

We went Tuesday night to get our tree. We were going to go to the place that we use every year, but Landon doesn’t get off the bus until 4 and we found out (the hard way) that they close at 5. Half way there, I thought “damn, it’s getting really dark, I should see when they close” (why this didn’t cross my mind the entire day before we left is beyond me…). So we googled quickly and found there was another tree farm near us. We headed that way, and ended up loving the place. Their trees were pre-cut, but whatever. Maybe it’s a good thing that we didn’t get to go to the old place; maybe it was life’s way of cutting me a fucking break or something, who knows.

Anyway, the tree is super nice. I’m really happy with it, and at $52 vs the $80 tree from last year, I’m a happy camper. When we got home, I knew it was going to be super hard to put it up and decorate. We usually turn on christmas music and have a good time. Shane turned on the music and the lump in my throat came. He asked if I was ok, or if I needed to turn it off, but Landon was enjoying it so I said no, that I was ok. Seeing Landon put up the ornaments really really helped me; he was so excited that it kind of kept me happy. Then it came time to hang Kenley’s ornaments. This was pretty awful, I won’t lie. I cried and felt like I could have just crumbled into a million pieces on the floor. I ugly cried to which Landon told me I looked like I was laughing, which actually made me laugh. Thank god for Landon. He just speaks his 5 year old mind, and makes things all better.

We hung her ornaments, and just enjoyed each other. After we were done, Landon was SO tired. Rudolph was on at 8, and Landon crawled up on the couch with us to watch it. Poor dude, he was struggling to keep his eyes open but we finished it and then he went to bed.

We’ve been decorating a little each day since Tuesday. Today Shane and I spent the day at an antique mall shopping. Oh, you didn’t know that we are secretly 80 years old? Surprise.

We found a bunch of really cool old christmas things, and plan to decorate the front porch with them. Shane wants to make a big letter K to wrap in lights and include on the porch (actually this all started with his letter K idea to be honest…) so I’m excited to see what happens. I don’t want to talk about how much we spent at the antique mall today…I feel ashamed. Just kidding- one of my best days this year by far. We left the antique mall and went to dinner. I was craving a steak so bad, so we hit up outback and it was DELISH. I love spending the day with Shane. He is my best friend, and I am so thankful for him. I swear I could just sit with him all day doing nothing and be happy.

Tonight we pulled the trigger and bought Landon a 4 wheeler for Christmas! I’m so excited! It should be here in like 5 days, but were having it shipped to my mother in laws. I grew up riding them, so I’m excited for him to have one.

My dad is coming to visit this weekend, so hopefully Landon and him will get some good play time in. I know that he misses his grandpa a lot.

I’ve been getting a lot of emails with Kenely’s name in them, and I just want to say thank you to everyone who has sent them to me! I love getting them, and I can’t wait to work on the collage. I also have gotten ALMOST all the rest of the items for my care bags finally! I can’t wait to start working on them. I really really need to work on them. It helps to keep my mind occupied.

Well, December, I guess there is no turing back now…

 

tomorrow.

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Tomorrow you should be 11 months old.

You could be walking, and jabbering. I can’t even think about what you would look like because it breaks my heart into a million pieces.

I can’t believe it’s been so long. I can’t believe I haven’t held your sweet body in such a long time. It makes me so sad. I miss you every second of every day.

Today was rough. I think the anticipation of these milestones is what gets me. Obviously the day is bad, too, but the lead up is worse.

I pulled the trigger on two piece of decor for baby A’s nursery today. After I bought the first one, I felt like I was hit by a bus. I pressed “purchase” and I literally didn’t move off the couch for 3 hours afterward. Grief, it’s a really fucked up thing.

I was happy to finally buy something, and then immediately sad and guilty for doing so. I know that those feelings are normal, but damn.

So in the spirit of making myself feel better, and maybe more excited (IDK?) here is what I bought today for her nursery. Ugh. My heart.

safavieh-lilac-shag-outdoor-area-rug-sg151-7272ptru1-23919455dt

I love our mail man.

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Since Kenley died, I have gotten packages in the mail literally every week it seems- some times I get a few at a time. Our mail man has never once said anything about it, he just delivers the mail to us with a smile on his face.

Last week when all of my books came, I walked out to meet him when I saw him pull up the driveway. He said (with a smile on his face) “I’ve been fighting those damn things all day! They’ve been moving all around back there!”, I laughed and almost told him why I ordered 20 books, but decided not to. Today, my candles came. I saw him pull up the drive way, so I walked out to greet him and get the box; it was heavy again so I expected something to be said jokingly. He just sort of looked at me, and I looked at him. I knew he was sort of looking for me to say something (you know how you can just tell someone wants to know what the hell is going on?).

I looked at him and it just flooded out of me. I said, “Thank you for always delivering these packages with a smile on your face! I appreciate it! Our daughter was stillborn at 38 weeks last December and that’s why we are constantly getting packages, so thank you!”…

He looked at me, and said “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry”.

He handed me the box of candles, the rest of my mail, and gave me a smile. Off he went. I don’t know. I just felt like it was the right time to tell him? I’m not sure if the fact that he delivered me a shit ton of stuff last year while I was uber pregnant, and he’s never seen a baby at our house was bothering me and I felt like I needed to tell him, or what…Maybe it’s the fact that I’m showing…again…with no baby here for him to see when I was obviously pregnant all of last year. I don’t know. Whatever the reason, I told him today and I hope that I didn’t freak him the hell out.

On that note, like I said, my candles came! I am constantly in awe of people who still do nice things for other people. The company that sent me these candles is a small locally owned company from the PNW. It’s called Aggies on main, and they sell soy candles. I reached out to them by recommendation of another loss mom (Hi Sarah!). The company immediately replied that they would love to work with me. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but ultimately they donated 20 candles to my project. Amazing…just amazing.

Lisa is the woman who I was working with, and she is just one of the most caring people I’ve come to know on this journey. I am so thankful that she chose to help me. The impact her candles will have on a future mother who loses her children will be immeasurable. She wrote me a wonderful note in the card she sent. It brought me to tears.



I also pulled the trigger today on the other items I wanted in the bags.

-Journals +Pens: I did nothing but cry during my stay at the hospital, and I wish I was able to have done something else. I mean, I didn’t even get to really spend time with Kenley. She was with us, and I did spend time with her, but I wish I would have been a little more clear minded and taken more photos, and held her every second I possibly could. Maybe these journals will help someone to clear their mind so that they can hold their baby longer.

journals

-Chapstick: Ugh. My lips were so chapped in the hospital they felt like they were going to fall of my face or bleed. Im thankful to have been given some chapstick by my mom, but I’m sure some people won’t be prepared for the need.

chapstick

-Memories too few: This book is literally like 10 pages, and it’s an easy read. Like I’ve said before, we were given a book and it was just too long, and too “standard”. I feel like when I read this book, that I could have written it myself. Maybe that’s why I like it more than pretty much any other one I’ve read to date. Amazon only had 1 in stock (wtf?) so I ordered it, so they will have to stock more! I hope they stock them soon.

book

I ordered bags to put them all in as well. I’m going to have about 30 extra brown bags, but maybe that will be inspiration to keep filling them…

 

pizza and pneumonia.

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Thanksgiving was yesterday and I’m pretty happy it is over. I won’t lie, it wasn’t as bad as I imagined it to be only because we have pneumonia and spent the day here, on the couch, eating pizza and watching tv.

I literally don’t think I could have spent the entire day at Shane’s grandmas with his entire family. I know, undoubtedly, one of them would have said something wrong to hurt us. Not on purpose, of course, but some people just don’t know what to say so they spew platitudes and well wishes. While the well wishes are great, I just don’t want to hear them. I honestly know that people would have been all “omg squee aren’t you thankful for your baby you’re carrying now!?” Um. Yes. OF COURSE. But, that does not bring back the daughter who I lost, or take away the pain and guilt of her death.

Landon went with my Mother in Law over to the family’s get together, and we just spent the day with each other coughing our lungs out. All in all, we are feeling a little bit better, if I’m being honest. I think our coughing is subsiding and Shane hasn’t had a fever in about two days. This is great because he kept waking up shivering in the middle of the night and I know he wasn’t getting any sleep trying to keep track of his medication times and what not.

He went back to work today for the first time in a week, so I hope that he isn’t too exhausted when he gets home (even though I know he will be).

So we’re in the thick of it now- the Holiday Season. I’m feeling very indifferent toward it all. On one hand I want to have the normal Christmas that we usually do especially for Landon, and because it’s my favorite holiday. I love decorating, listening to music, shopping and spending way too much money on stuff that no one needs, and being with my family…except this year, one member of MY family is gone. She got to experience my joy of Christmas inside my womb last year, and I know she loved the music. She knew how much I loved the holiday, and I know that she knew how much she was loved.

And then, 4 days after the best Christmas of my life, I had the worst day of my life.

I’m sure you can see why I’m feeling torn on how to feel about the holiday.

I’ve been trying to toss around what I want to do about a stocking for Kenley. I really wanted one for the longest time, and now that it’s here, I’m not so sure. I don’t know if I can stand to see an empty stocking, every year, with her name on it. Empty. Nothing. All the other stockings will have things in them, and her’s will be empty because she has no use for anything. She is not here; she will never be here.

I’m not sure what I’ll end up doing. I have an ornament for her, but nothing feels right. I’m sure others can relate to the “nothing feels right” thing. I don’t know if I would feel differently about the Christmas season if Kenley had died in like March or something. I don’t know. I think the fact that she was alive during the holiday, and died so shortly after just tears me apart. It just crushes me.

I guess maybe it’s (christmas) just hard because it’s always going to be 4 days before another anniversary of her death? I don’t know. I know that some day down the road I might see it differently, but not this year and probably not the foreseeable future.

I think for this Holiday season to mean something to me, I need to accomplish a few things.

First, I need to get these care package bags together, along with the hats that I crocheted (and my sweet friend Caroline’s that she sent me to donate too!), and I need to tell the Hospital to hang Kenley’s photos…I don’t know why that is so hard to me. I just think that it means we need to go up and see them. We bought them. We spent the time deciding what we wanted to have engraved in them…I need to see them I think.

Second, I need to donate some gifts to a needy family or something. I know that you can get those names off of trees at churches or the salvation army, but I want to know that whatever it is we choose to donate, is being used. I would donate to toys for tots but I don’t know… I want something more personal. If anyone has any ideas, let me know. I would love to sponsor a family’s Christmas who just couldn’t afford it.

Third, I need to make a plan for her birthday. I don’t know what feels right. Nothing feels right, again, but I want to celebrate her. I know that she knows how much we love her, how could she not? But, I want to do something for our family to remember her too. I know there isn’t a day that goes by that they don’t think of her, either, but I want us all to do something together. I’m leaning toward balloon release, and cupcakes. It’s just going to fucking suck so much to be celebrating a girl who will never actually get a birthday, or to take a breath of air outside of her mother. To be remembering a sweet, beautiful child who I could not save. To be remembering her…instead of watching her shove cake in her face.

Sometimes it’s just too much.

grief

pneumonia.

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Shane and I have pneumonia…wtf. 

We both went to the doctor on Saturday and were told it was just chest colds. Well, Shane developed a nasty fever so we took him to the ER yesterday morning. Sure enough- pneumonia. So I emailed my MFM who told me it might be good to be seen just incase (I was having the same symptoms as Shane minus fever). I decided I would go this morning after a bit of soul searching.

I would have to go up there by myself, which is stressful in and of itself because I’ve never been there and it’s near campus and just makes me nervous!

I would have to go to Labor and Delivery alone. The last trip to L&D was last year when I heard Kenley had died so I really didn’t want to go alone, but what choice did I have. 

So I hopped in the shower and told myself I would have gone for Kenley so this baby deserves that too. And off I went. 

I was able to find my way up there fairly easily. I kept giving myself pep talks which I think helped to keep me focused on where I was going. I found a good parking spot, and walked over to the Hoapital through the connecting bridge sky walk thing. I had zero clue where I was going, but managed to figure it out thank god. 

When I got up to L&D I tried to not focus on the bajillion people waiting to hear if their grandbaby was born, and how mom was. But of course right when I signed in and sat down a dad came into the waiting area with a nurse talking to family about how his twins (ugh) we’re just born healthy as could be….at 3 lbs a piece..and we’re doing great! 

3 lbs. 

Kenley was 7lbs 5oz, perfectly perfect. 

Eventually I got called up to registration and talked to the receptionist for a while and we waited for a nurse to come get me. Thirty minutes later a nurse sticks her head out of a side door and says these exact words: 

“So seeing how you’re NOT VIABLE, we’re going to just send you to the ER”.

Nope. 

I looked at her and said no. I lost my daughter at 38+4 last year (I start crying) and I was sent here per my MFM, so I’m not going to the ER. She seemed pissed and said ok well I’ll go get my charge nurse to talk to you (you’re damn right you will). 

Charge nurse comes out and says ok we will see you (yup.) so they stick me in the quick eval room where I would stay from 10:30am- 2:45pm….No bed. No gown. No proper fetal heart tones monitoring like I expected. I felt like a giant inconvenience to ALL of them. 

So when the nurse came in and tried to do the Doppler I stopped her and said “no, I have an anterior placenta, and I need an ultrasound”. She just looked at me. I said “I’m sorry, I just cannot be here and hear you tell me you can’t find my daughters heartbeat with that Doppler, can’t handle that”. 

The doctor rolled in an ultrasound machine a few minutes later and I was able to see her bringing her legs up to her chest (this must be a favorite for her- I see it often) and her HB was a beautiful 150. Shew. 

She said she was going to have the nurse hook up IV fluids. When the nurse came in, I immediately got all clammy. 

I hate IV’s. HATE. THEM. 

When I had Landon, 5 nurses dug around in my hand for a vein, until finally one said fuck it well put it in her arm! I have an amazing vein in my right arm, please place ALL IVs there. 

This nurse did a FANTASTIC job, and I didn’t even feel it anymore than a regular blood draw. I was super impressed. Too bad her bed side (excuse me…chair side) manner was “meh” at best. 

I was given IV fluids (while sitting in a shitty chair in pretty much a storage closet) and while that was in progress the mobile X-ray people came and took an X-ray. The tech made me laugh, thank god. She’s was all “uh they could have just waited for the IV because now you need to take your bra off and you have an IV in, so this will be fun!” Ugh. 

Couldn’t get the bra all the way off, so it chilled here until my IV was done…

After a while the doctor came back in and said that I had some stuff in my lung which they are calling pneumonia. I was to get an antibiotic shot, and some antibiotics for the next week and be on my way. 

So…antibiotic shots suck so bad. 

I’m tough. I can handle my shit, and have a suuuuppperrrr high pain tolerance…well this shot felt like she hit me with a sledge hammer with the needle attached to the end, and injected burning lava into my skin which caused me to not be able raise my arm. It only lasted about 45 seconds but OUCH. Maybe it was a mix of the whole day, who knows. 

Today was hard for about ten thousand reasons but I made it . I’m ready to be asleep. One good thing, well two good things today- I got an email saying my candles have shipped for the bags! Yay! And I was able to see my sweet baby A dancing. I do not take that for granted. I could watch her all day.