Author: Randi

wave of light.

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Tomorrow is the big day – My little sisters wedding. It’s been a long time in the making, and we’ve busted our asses getting it all set up. I love how it has turned out, and I cannot wait to be there tomorrow to celebrate with her! She set up a table in memorial for her fiancés brother who passed away, and Kenley. It is beautiful, and it made me cry. I’m so thankful that she included our sweet girl.


Tomorrow is also another big day – Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

At 7 pm around the world in all time zones you are asked to light a candle in memory of all the babies and children gone too soon. I’m asking you to light a candle for my sweet girl, Kenley, tomorrow evening. If you do this, I also would love to see a picture of it. If you know me, and know my phone number, text me. If you follow me on IG, upload it and tag me, or DM it to me. If you don’t know any of those things and you still want to show me the candle you lit for my sweet girl, send it through my contact page here.

I hope that many of you will participate in this tomorrow not only for our sweet girl, but for all her little friends that were taken too soon.

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home. 

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I am “home” for my little sister’s wedding this weekend. 

I say “home” because this is where I grew up, but it’s not my home anymore.

 My home is where my life is with my Husband and Landon. 

My home is where my baby girl’s tree is planted. 

My home is where her urn (that I kiss every night) sits on my dresser…

I’m struggling with the fact that this is the first time all 3 of us have gone somewhere together and left her urn at home. 

I know she is not there…I understand that… but it is so hard to not feel absolutely guilt stricken about it. 

Blah. Life after loss is stupid. 

joy. 

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I didn’t have a good day today. I cried a lot. I have a terrible headache, and I feel emotionally drained. 

I thought I was feeling strong enough to go to Target (after having a bad day) for wrapping paper, and I was wrong. I was overwhelmed and panicky the entire (10 minute) trip. 

Some days I don’t know how I do it. How do I wake up, and put on a happy face for my son, when I just want to lay in bed and cry all day. 

I don’t know why this is my life. 

I don’t know how this became my life. 

I miss you. 

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Yesterday, my Brother in Law got married. 

Shane was in the wedding, and looked so so handsome. Like, so handsome that my heart was bursting with love for him. Landon was also in the wedding and looked SO. FREAKING. ADORABLE. 

Seeing them together, dressed up, and being so father/son like just broke my heart. It made me feel very lucky to have them in my life…but, it also made me feel so incredibly alone. 

I should have had Kenley in my arms. She should have been wearing something adorable. She should have been waving to her big brother. She should be here. She should be here. She should fucking be here. 

Instead…I sat alone…Watching my two boys love on each other, while my heart was breaking. 

photo prompt.

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As many of you know, I am doing the capture your grief challenge on my IG. Each day’s prompt gives you an outlet to speak about the real emotions related to losing your child. Today’s prompt was Beautiful Mysteries.

Um. Ouch. Mega mega ouch.

This prompt urged you to speak about the mysteries of your child. I chose to speak of where I would see Kenley now. What would she be? Who would she be? I found todays prompt extremely hard. I have a rough time with envisioning my dead baby as a real baby. I don’t know if it’s strictly because I don’t want to think about it because I know it can never happen. I don’t know if I don’t want to hurt my heart like that? When I opened my heart for this challenge today, I just found myself crying while writing it. I chose to use a photo of Kenley’s hair for todays photo. Her beautiful, auburn, strawberry hair makes my heart melt; it was the most beautiful color. The lock of hair we have from her is dark brown, though. I don’t remember it looking that way in real life, and I HATE that. I hate that I can’t clearly recall what her hair looked like. Sure, photos help, but she’s my daughter…why does my brain block it out?

Grief brain?

Is it my heart and soul protecting itself?

I’m not sure what it is, but I am sure one one thing…I would give anything to be able to see her one more time.

 

 

random.

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I think today is going to be a post of a bunch of random things because I can’t really think of a way to put them into an organized post…so here goes nothing.

• I’m participating in the capture your grief social media photo prompt challenge. I really enjoy writing all of my feelings out, even when they don’t make sense or come off super bitchy. I don’t mean them to come off that way, but it seems like they do. It doesn’t make me worried that they’re offending people because that’s not the point of the photo challenge, it’s to express your feelings. I think it’s very helpful for me. I didn’t think I would be able to do it, honestly. I thought that I would just cry every single day when I went to post, but I’m handling it pretty well. I’m proud of myself.

• Yesterday was my birthday. I knew it was going to suck (emotionally) strictly because it was supposed to be so different than it actually was. I was supposed to have my beautiful almost 10 month old daughter with me. I don’t really know how I expected the day to go had she been here, but she wasn’t here and it sucked- bottom line. Shane and Landon bought me flowers, and cards so that was super nice. Shane spent the day hanging our new bathroom light fixture, and installed two new dimmer switches in the house. We had a nice dinner with Landon and watched Harry Potter. It was a nice day, just a sad one.

• Landon LOVES Harry Potter. I mean, he asks to watch it every night. We are already on the Goblet of Fire. I don’t see his interest slowing down any time soon. He even asked to be Harry for halloween. My heart is so full! (We are mega HP nerds here…) After Shane and I found out we were pregnant, we took a trip to Orlando and went to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It was the first place that Kenley went when she existed. I was so happy to know that she was with me then.

• I’ve spent way too much time in front of the TV the past day or so watching news about the Hurricane. I mean…like WAY too much time. I find it very interesting, honestly. I’ve been watching clips from Haiti and there are children standing next to rushing water. Uh…maybe don’t stand so close???? It gives me serious anxiety!

• This morning we got Landon up and ready for school. We watched him get on the bus, and then came back inside. When I walked in, Shane yelled “hey wanna watch tv in bed for a little bit?”. UM. YES. So we laid in bed, watched the weather channel, had breakfast in bed, and ended up falling asleep. It was such a nice relaxing morning. I do not remember the last time I felt that relaxed. I didn’t roll my ass out of bed until 12:40! It was amazing.

• Next weekend my little sister is getting married. I’m hoping to be able to head to my hometown in the middle of the week next week. We’ll see what happens with Shane’s work schedule, but it would be nice for all of us to “get away” for a little bit, even if it is going to be hectic.

• I can feel myself maybe falling back into a slump? I’m not sure exactly what it is that I’m feeling, but I have been putting off house work again, and just feeling like I want to sleep all the time. I know it very well could be the fact that I’m pregnant, but it doesn’t feel that way. I dunno. I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it. What does that even mean? I guess i’ll just wait and see how much more laundry builds up and I will equate that to how I’m feeling emotionally? Ugh.

• and last but not least…we went to Lowe’s on Wednesday while Landon was in school. We walked through the paint, and picked out a few colors for this baby’s room. We had talked about what colors we wanted to look at, so…I decided that since I have officially hit my 2nd trimester (already…) that I would look. So, there’s that.

 

10/6

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Well tomorrow is my birthday and I have been avoiding it like the plague. 

I got a card in the mail today from a friend that’s pretty funny and it made me laugh. Then people started texting- “what are your plans tomorrow!”, “you’re gonna be old tomorrow!”, “I hope you have a good birthday!”…..

I appreciate all the love, I really do, but I just can’t. Last year at this time I was 6 months pregnant. I remember last years birthday so incredibly vividly. I don’t know if there is anything I remember more clearly for some reason? 

It was a Tuesday. I got ready for the day and waited for Shane to get home from work. Landon was sort of sick. When Shane got home he gave me the most beautiful gift in the world- a past present and future diamond ring. It’s so beautiful and I wear it every single day. I saw it and immediately in my mind thought “when I die this will go to Kenley and my wedding set will go to Landon”. 

This ring was from all 3 of them. 

We went to the rusty bucket for dinner. I had potstickers and we had bread pudding for dinner. It was a really awesome dinner because Landon was in a good mood. 

Afterward we went to babies R us. Landon didn’t feel good so he rode in the cart. We bought Kenley some blankets and another sleeper. 

When we were almost home, Landon got sick in the car. I remember we pulled over and had to clean him up. It was so disgusting. 

But when we got home, it was all better. 

I was so happy to be with my amazing husband, my poor sick son, and the beautiful girl I had in my belly. 

This year…31…was supposed to be so different. 

And sadly, it IS different. Just not in the way I had hoped. 

I’m pregnant…with a new baby…because the one I was carrying died. 

Happy fucking Birthday to me. 

fall. 

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I know that every holiday is going to suck, probably forever. Sure, the suckage might lessen as the years drone on and on, but they will always be missing our family member. My sweet girl will always be a “what if” for me. What would I have dressed her in this year for Halloween? 

You know, I can’t even answer that because my heart won’t let me think about it. It hurts way too fucking much. It stings. It’s like someone stabbing me over and over in this open wound that I call my heart now. 

No matter what it’s always going to be painful. 

Tonight, we went to get pumpkins. Landon chose two pumpkins for both of his sisters. He has a heart old gold, that boy. He also chose a super small decorative pumpkin and said that it was  “just incase I have a brother some day”.  He had such a good time and loved looking at all the fall things this place had to offer. 

I, however, could not help but be sad I wasn’t pushing her in a stroller, or giving her a small sip of apple cider to see her little face pucker up. 

These things, these normal everyday things, that “regular” people take for granted are so painful. I know I took them for granted with Landon, for sure. Hell yes I took them for granted- I never in a million years thought there would EVER be a reason I should feel otherwise. 

But, now that it’s fall, my heart is still broken and my arms are still empty, I can’t help but realize how much I’ve taken for granted with Kenley. 

I would love to be inconvenienced by anything Kenley related, besides her death. I would give up my life to hear her cry just once; to hear her take a breath of the air she will never breathe. 

I just wanted to buy you a pumpkin…and be able to see you hold it. 

But, instead, it will sit on the front porch with all the others- untouched by your beautiful little hands. 

And seeing that? That will break my heart all over again. 

good day. 

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Today I had a good day. I’m going to enjoy this because they are seriously so so rare. I don’t think I got irritated, sad, upset, or angry at all today.

I cannot remember the last time this happened.

I also felt little miss W (or A, were not sure yet…) move a bunch. I am trying to enjoy her more, she is my child after all but it’s all so complicated.

So yeah.

Good day.

weekend.

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This weekend was my little Sister’s Bachelorette “day” out. We went on a luncheon cruise (where everyone drank amazingly delicious smelling sangria) and listened to a DJ play some serious wedding tunes. It was really relaxing and enjoyable, even if I did feel like I wanted to yack once or twice. Thanks motion sickness! Afterward we went and got pedicures, and walked around an outdoor mall for a while.

All in all it was a pretty awesome day, and I’m really happy I was able to come home for the weekend and spend it with my sister (and the other bridesmaids).

When I got back to my Mom’s, I was beat. I guess being almost 31 (ugh. ugh ugh ugh.) will do that to you! Ha- just kidding. I know 31 isn’t “old” in the grand scheme of things life, but holy shit…I feel old now. After Kenley died, I immediately aged 10 years physically, and probably 50 years emotionally/mentally. I feel like I look old, I feel like I have no desire to do much of anything (hello depression, you nasty bitch) but I try to make myself look presentable (usually fail pretty well at this and end up in mascara and leggings). I have to force myself to enjoy things (also fail). I have tension headaches a lot these days, and I can feel the anxiety heavy in my chest. Sometimes, I will have an extra anxiety ridden day and I can literally feel it in my sternum. I have the need to crack my chest; until I make it happen, I have an excruciating pain where I can’t stand up straight and taking a deep breath is like knives in my chest.

Anyway, back to this weekend.

Landon has been sick for 50 years (read: 1.5 weeks-ish) and I just figured it was seasonal allergies, or a mild cold. He started to get pretty lethargic and stuff last week so I kept an eye on it and told myself if he wasn’t better soon that I would make an appointment. Saturday he complained of a headache all day, and over night he came into my bedroom screaming and hyperventilating saying that his head hurt so bad on the right side. I tried to calm him down, ended up giving him some Motrin and he laid with him until he fell back to sleep. In the morning he came into my room at 6am complaining again. I got up, and fed him breakfast and we watched Spongebob in the dark until about 7:30. He then started crying and freaking out about his head again.

I didn’t know what to do and honestly he was starting to scare me. I told my mom that I needed to take him to the ER so off we went. Long story short no strep, no ear infection, no anything. They gave me a script for Sudafed- a decongestant. I’m not sure how this will help his intense head pain?…but I’m no doctor. I’m going to keep a really close eye on it, and the second he complains again about his head we’re going to get a CT scan. I don’t really talk about it too much, but when Landon was 3 we had something similar happen to him. He ended up needing an Electroencephleogram (An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test used to detect abnormalities related to electrical activity of the brain. This procedure tracks and records brain wave patterns. Small metal discs with thin wires (electrodes) are placed on the scalp, and then send signals to a computer to record the results.) because he was having super weird twitches and making random noises all the time. I was pretty sure that he had Tourettes or something.

Turns out he was ok, but has “extra electrodes (or neurons? I can’t remember) firing in his brain” and for people with this, 50% of them have a 50% chance of having a seizure at some point in their life time. So…technically not ok? But again…not a doctor here.  Also they mentioned that children with these extra whatever’s firing are often “gifted”. That’s about the only part that makes sense. If you know Landon at all, you will probably more than likely agree the kid is super fuckin smart.

Ask him anything about Dinosaurs, I dare you.

We got back to my Mom’s, packed our stuff up and went to visit my Dad for a little while. As we were leaving my Dad’s, Shane text me and said he just got breaking news on his phone that there was a shooting on I-71 near the Polaris area.  The Highway Patrol had shut down both north and southbound lanes of the highway, so I figured I would be stuck in traffic. Well,  when I got to the I-71 on ramp in Mansfield, it was a shit show. The traffic lights were all out, there were no cops there to direct traffic because they were all at the crash scene of the shooter literally 2 miles up the road. Landon and I got some lunch, and hung out in the car for a little while to watch the traffic nightmare.

I googled and found out that the shooter had shot a man 6 times from a park bench (wtf is wrong with people?) as he was walking back to this car from the restroom at the rest stop. He then hopped in his car, and drove north. The cops found his vehicle on 71 and chased him north of the Mansfield exit where he ran over spike strips and hit the guardrail. He then shot and killed himself in his car.

I was watching the highway as we ate lunch, and I saw the cars that are pictured in the news article I linked to speeding down the highway toward the crash sight. It’s insane to me how close I was to actually witnessing this high speed chase. Thank god I didn’t. Once I got on 71 South, there was no issue and we made it home pretty quickly (1.5 hrs).

So now I’m home and curled up in bed with Shane. What a long weekend!

Here’s hoping that Landon feels better, I feel better and Shane doesn’t catch what we have.

Also, I’m participating in the “capture your grief” photo challenge for the month of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. If you don’t know what it is,  head on over to my Instagram page (see the side of my blog for the link) and check it out. It’s amazing, and I know that it is such an important thing for myself to do. It helps me to honor my sweet girl, and keep her memory alive.

You can also see a new photo of my beautiful Kenley. I am so in love with her face.