21 weeks.

Posted by Randi

I can’t believe it’s been so long, sweet baby girl. It’s impossible. Some days it doesn’t feel like you were ever here, but part of my soul is missing so I know that you were. You were real. You are loved. You will always be my daughter.

Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week; It should be my favorite. Shane is off work at 1:30, he comes home, we go out to dinner and go shopping. It’s a very very good day. But, I had Kenley on a Tuesday. She was with us every time we went out on a Tuesday. After we had her, we tried to go back to “normal” and went out. I’ll never forget it; We went to BW3’s and the host said “just you three today?”… Ouch. It made me ugly cry right when we sat at our table. That was one of the first triggers I had when we started going out again.

We usually go to Toys r us and let Landon buy something or get him a book. We went there every week while I was pregnant; Start to finish. The same women worked there the entire time. They saw us each time. They commented on my pregnant belly, and saw me waddling around. They knew I was pregnant. What do they think now? Now that it’s just us three again…after 9 months…we don’t have a baby, but they knew we were pregnant. Same goes for the restaurants/other stores we would frequent. The same people worked there and took care of us. They saw me; they knew we were expecting.

I’m not expecting those people to be like “hey! where’s your baby?”…I’m assuming they might know deep down what happened. It all kind of comes back to the “do I look better than I feel” thing. I feel awful; empty, alone, and just like complete fucking shit. I’m able to carry myself better in public now, and I don’t cry randomly over things anymore. I still cry, a lot, but I really try to hold it together when we’re out.

I don’t know; this whole thing is just so hard to navigate. Like I’ve said before, it just feels like everyone should know. I’m sure this is the case with other people and their losses (of children, parents, friends, etc…). You just feel so shitty that you expect everyone to just be able to pick up on it. But, even if they do pick up on it…what am I expecting? Am I expecting some random stranger to be like “I’m so sorry you lost your daughter“- No. But on the other hand, yeah, maybe I am.

Wouldn’t it be helpful if we just had giant neon signs we had to wear above our heads that alerted the other humans what we’re going through?

The closer I get to the 6 month mark, the weirder everything gets. Six months is coming up. She will be dead for six months. That’s 75% of the time I carried her. How is it almost June? I have not been present the past 6 months; it doesn’t feel like my time is moving like other peoples. Has this past 21 weeks gone by super slow for some people? It just seems like my life is in fast forward; like I’m emerging from the aftermath of a tornado.

I feel like I’m constantly having an out of body experience, but it’s just my life “after” Kenley.

sickness.

Posted by Randi

I’m currently sick. Being sick reminds me of the early days after we lost K. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s the physical pain and the feeling like crap. Maybe it’s the fact that I laid in bed all afternoon yesterday, drifting in and out of sleep so the day felt like a dream which reminded me of our hospital stay.

While we were still in the hospital, Shane had to help me shower. I felt like I couldn’t function; I was so incredibly sad that I couldn’t physically take care of myself. When we left the hospital and came home, this was still the case for a while. The immense sadness was all I could handle; I couldn’t be bothered with eating or showering. Those things were too much to handle.

Still sometimes I find myself struggling with the “every day” tasks. I’ve written about how laundry is such a heavy task for me when I’m feeling stressed. Ha, who am I kidding; it’s always a heavy task now because I’m a different person...in the “after”.

In the “after”, my mind is constantly thinking and roaming. If I do laundry, I have time to think. If I do the dishes all I can think about is that day. I was doing a ton of dishes and listening to my boys night out Pandora radio station pretty loudly the day we went to the hospital.

Shane walked in from work, and thrice was playing. I was at the sink with my big belly keeping me at a distance. We sat down and ate lunch, and watched survivorman. We did normal things and then finally decided we should go in.

Why did I wait? Why didn’t I go in immediately after I dropped Landon off at my mother in laws. She could have been saved.

These are the things that run through my mind when I do “normal” things. When I shower I have to turn on Pandora comedy radio so I can not think. It’s just too hard.

Every day life and its tasks make me feel like I’m running an emotional marathon.

And I’m way fuckin out of shape.

thank you.

Posted by Randi

I posted on my IG about this, but I’m going to put it here as well.

Thank you.

From the bottom of my heart. This journey has been (and will always be) the hardest thing I’ve ever navigated. I could not make it through without the immense support from every single person who has reached out to me. You might think sending me a text that says “thinking of you” is lame, or pointless, but it’s not. It means the world to me. It lets me know Kenley is being thought of; that’s all I want now. I want her beautiful memory to live on with everyone.

She was the most perfect little girl, and I’m so sad that we didn’t get to watch her grow up into a beautiful person, but knowing she is thought of makes my heart happy.

So I say again, Thank You. Every text, every letter, every email, card in the mail, gift, comment and phone call has made a difference.

Somedays (most days) I feel like I’m drowning, but it seems that those days are when (magically somehow) my support system pulls through and makes me able to see the light again.

I am forever thankful for your love and support.

her.

Posted by Randi

Thinking about IVF excites me, don’t get me wrong. The fact that I’m even financially able to consider it makes me feel so fortunate. My husband works very hard to make our dreams a reality. He gives me everything I could ever want. He’s deals with my mood swings, and all the doctors appointments. I’m so thankful for him.

When we found out Kenley was a girl, I couldn’t wait to decorate her nursery; my daughters room. I thought about hot air balloons, woodland creatures, you name it- I thought about it. Ultimately I decided to do whatever felt right. I found a yellow chevron rug that I fell in love with, and a teal and white striped light fixture for her room. Those are the first two things I knew I had to have for her nursery; the basis for her room design.

I ordered her name banner from Egypt. It is stuffed letters in all different fabric and it hangs above her crib. Her bed sheets and curtains were custom made from someone in Canada from the fabric I hand chose for her. I bought her a vintage dresser, refinished & painted it coral to match her room. I found her a Jenny Lind table from Target, and Shane picked out her lamp.

I had a friend custom make a print for her room. It was supposed to look like an old wooden sign with arrows pointing to different directions. The only difference is that it pointed to places in Harry Potter. She had a print of three water color painted pink hearts, and a pretty cool looking fox print. My amazing friend from TCF sent me my favorite hot air balloon print off of etsy; It was the first thing we hung in her room.

Everything was perfect for her. I had diapers and wipes; enough for the first six months of her life. Bibs, lotion, baby swing, rock n play (from a TCF friend) , exersaucer (from another TCF friend), I brought Landons wipe warmer & diaper genie upstairs and put them in her room. Everything was ready and waiting for her. Everything will always be ready and waiting for her; for someone who will never come.

I spent so much time in her room planning the things I would do with her. Every night I looked forward to getting Landon in the tub so I could leave his door open, sit in her glider and talk to her. We would talk about what we did that day, or I would read the news while rubbing my belly. Sometimes we would call my mom and talk on the phone.

Mostly I would rock her and rub my belly. It was my time with her, in her room; the only time I will ever spend with her there, unfortunately.

So when I think about IVF, and the possibility of another child, all of that stuff races through my mind. I will have to be invested in another child’s nursery and I’m afraid I never will feel that again. I’m scared that I will fall in love with another child and lose that child as well.

Sometimes, now, I even have a fear of losing Landon. What if something happens to him, too? What would I do?

When Shane and I told Landon that we are going to try for another baby he made a really weird face. I had to remind him that what happened to Kenley will not (hopefully) ever happen to another baby of ours. That what happened to Kenley was an accident; That hopefully no other baby in our family will die.

That is not something you should have to even mention to your children when thinking about having a baby. Poor Landon. I feel so terrible for him. He wanted her so incredibly bad.

We all did. We all do.

calendar.

Posted by Randi

Today I called my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) and was given the next steps in our journey.

– birth control pills until 6/1.

– ultrasound and blood work 6/3

– injectables start on 6/5

– tentative egg retrieval 6/16

Um. Holy shit. It’s getting real.

Assuming all goes well, and we are able to freeze some embryos on day 5, our FET (frozen egg transfer) will be near the end of July.

We could be pregnant again at the end of July.

We could be pregnant again very soon.

I have so many emotions flowing through my body currently; I don’t even know how to begin to explain it.

Yesterday was an awful day. Today is a better day.

We’ll see what life throws at us in the next few weeks…

lately.

Posted by Randi

We went on a hike today at Hocking Hills. It was a beautiful day; really nice and sunny mid 70s. We took our dog with us and for the most part I was able to keep my mind off of things. This is why I love hiking.

Why don’t I love hiking?

People.

People everywhere.

People whom I assume know my story (because like I said, shouldn’t they? I fucking wear it on my face every day) and don’t. Oh you think my dogs cute and you’d like to pet him? Ok cool, but can’t you just feel how hurt I am deep down? Can’t you see it? Doesn’t the pain just radiate off of me?

It’s not their fault that I feel this way- I know that. But, it just seems so crazy to me that I’m dealing with this catastrophic tornado in my head and on the outside I look normal. How is this possible.

People were baby wearing today. Hiking. With babies tied to them. What the hell? Last time I checked, hiking is kind of oh…dangerous? Especially at hocking hills. It’s wet, muddy and covered with moss. People blow my freakin mind. Hey, asshole, ever consider the fact that you might fall with your baby attached to you? Sure it seems like you know what you’re doing and you’re confident in your “hiking” abilities but, I was confident in my pregnancy carrying abilities and my daughter died so…

The worst can happen. It happens more than people care to believe.

Don’t take your newborns hiking, people.

I’ve been so irritated as of lately. I’m grumpy, extremely stressed and I’m losing my hair. This is seriously a no win situation for me. I’m just feeling overwhelmed again. It comes and goes but mostly stays here; looming heavily no matter what. Somedays my grief feels too heavy to carry.

Tonight, it was so heavy that I just started crying when I got out of the shower. I don’t even know how or why it hit me so hard, maybe I had been holding it in all day.

Maybe I hold it in every day.

housework.

Posted by Randi

I was so sick while pregnant with Kenley. From the very beginning I was throwing up and completely exhausted. I figured as time passed I would move out of that phase- wrong. I continued to be sick with her up until the week she was born. I remember thinking “holy shit, I’m 38 weeks pregnant and still puking my brains out- wtf?!”.

I gained around 11 lbs very quickly because the only thing I could eat was carbs. Give me all the bagels! But then I started getting really nauseous and couldn’t eat anything so I lost 17 lbs. I remember her pregnancy being far worse for food aversions than Landons. I dry heaved a lot with Landon; Kenley was full on sickness in every way.

My pregnancy with Landon was very different than with Kenley. We lived in Dayton, away from both of our families with Landon. I worked full time while carrying him, actually up until 2 days before I had him. With K, I stayed home and took care of Landon. We live near Shane’s family now, and closer to my family as well. This pregnancy was different; it was supposed to be better.

This pregnancy was supposed to be it.

Shane took such good care of me during K’s pregnancy. He took Landon to do fun things, cleaned our house, cooked, did laundry and took care of my complaining ass. Things were so different for both of us this time around. Landon happened very quickly after we were married, and while Shane was still new at his job.

Kenley came after many months, much heart break, and strong desire for a sibling for Landon. It was just supposed to be so different, but not in the way that it was. Somedays I cannot believe this is our life. What happened?

When I’m anxious about something I find myself avoiding housework like the plague. I will wash laundry, fold it, sort it on my bed and leave it there all day. When it comes time for bed, I will put it all back into the laundry basket and set it on the floor. Repeat for like 3-5 days or until what I’m anxious about passes. Valentine’s Day. Mother’s Day. Both weeks leading up to these “holidays”, zero clothes made it to dressers or hangers. ZERO.

Today was therapy again. I’ve told her about the housework avoidance + holiday anticipation thing. She told me to try and “cut back on unnecessary stress” …ummm…impossible? To avoid all things stressful, I would need a maid, and nanny. Oh and a chef.

All things cause stress now a days- maybe she failed to see that? I think it’s the nature of the beast that is child loss. I have random triggers. I cry at the most random times and for random reasons. I’m pretty sure I’ll always have them now. Sure, they will lessen or I will be able to handle them better, but they will always be here now.

What would really help right now is a vacation. I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately and I need to get away. I want to take Shane, board a plane and lay on a beach for a few days. I want to feel normal for 5 fucking seconds. I want to enjoy being married to my husband for a few days like “before”. I obviously still enjoy being married to him VERY much (this has not changed), but we’re both sad. All the time- in our own way. We both need it, but it just seems unrealistic right now.

Going on vacation would be nice, but it feels like a band aid fix. Life before K felt like a vacation most of the time; it was so relaxing and enjoyable.

I will forever long for what we had in our “before”, including our beautiful baby girl.

Our first daughter.

5.V.cinco.cinq.

Posted by Randi

Last night at Landon’s T-ball game there was a stroller on the other teams side. I tried to avoid it like the plague. I mean, not even glancing in that direction. Well, that proved to be impossible; it was like a fucking magnet for my eyes. I couldn’t stop glancing over at it. Of course it would be a little girl. Of course she would be approximately 5-7 months old. Of course.

Kenley should be 5 months old today.

I heard that little girl cooing, making the typical baby noises and it cut me like a knife. I mean immediately made me feel hot, anxious and dizzy. Fucking anxiety. I eventually was able to focus on Landon’s game once the baby stopped making noise. The rest of the night I just felt down and out; completely hopeless about the future. Sometimes it hits me harder than others. I will think about the past, about what we have gone through already and where we are headed. It is all so heavy.

I shouldn’t be here; I shouldn’t be worried about anything but my two beautiful children. Instead, I’m here…in this weird place. The place that I now call home; my new life after the loss. I have no concept of time, and I don’t know that this will ever change. The past 5 months have been a blur, yet felt so slow. Every day that I wake up I realize what my new life is. I realize how truly sad I am. The medicine does a good job of taking off the edge, I won’t lie. But I miss her more than anything in the world. I never expected to feel the depths of a loss like this.

It’s dark in the “after” ; my heart and soul feel so empty, and completely…I don’t know. Alone? Sad? Hopeless? All of the above, I suppose. I recognize that there are better days now; the early days were terrible. Scary even. I have never felt that pain before, and now I carry that pain daily. The grief is a daily occurrence. The guilt is a daily occurrence. The sadness is a daily occurrence. Saying her name, without her being here, is a daily occurrence. It is a life sentence. It will never be the same; never like before.

I don’t want it to be like before. That means I would have never known her; never have loved her. If it was like before, I wouldn’t have held her, or known what her body felt like against mine. I wouldn’t know her beautiful face. I would have never traced her lips with my fingers, or ran my hands over her beautiful auburn hair. Never known how much she looked like her Big Brother.

My Sweet K. I wish I could have saved you.I would do anything to see you one more time. I would have given my life in a split second to give you life. I wanted nothing more than to be your Mommy. I wanted to love you forever, and I will…just not in the way I could have ever imagined.

Today is a hard day.

starting again.

Posted by Randi

When we first started trying for Kenley, I figured I’d get pregnant immediately. How wrong I was. Two and a half years, multiple medicated cycles and a few procedures later we were pregnant. Finally! I don’t think I’ve ever felt as happy as the moment I heard her heartbeat.

When we lost her, Shane and I were devastated. I knew in the back of my mind, behind all of the shock, that we would try again for another child. When you have a stillborn child, I think you go through about 1,000 emotions all at the same time. Very high highs, and the lowest of lows. This beautiful human being that you carried for the last X amount of time is coming into the world; not in the way you want, but still arriving.

All of the love and effort I put into making her was finally being realized. When they placed her into my arms it was the best and worst moment of my life. It will forever be that moment, I’m 100% sure of it. To finally see her beautiful hair, and to see if she matches her 3D ultrasound photos was the moment I had longed for the entirety of my pregnancy. I just wish I could have kept her.

As time is ticking on, we’ve decided to move forward with IVF. We have no insurance coverage for IVF, so we are taking on a loan to pay for this. In a dream world (ha!) this process will give us enough good quality embryos to freeze 2-3. I’m not sure what will happen, but if we get more than one, I’m pretty sure we’re going to have all of the babies. If I get 4, it looks like we’re having 4 more kids.

Losing Kenley made me realize just how much I want a big family. Sure, I’m probably not the best mom, and I’m sure I lose my cool more than I should…but I try. I make the effort- day after day. Every day I wake up, love on my child, feed him, get him ready for school, and the rest of the day goes the same way. I take care of Landon and help him learn. It’s the greatest feeling in the world; that is why I will be trying to complete our family with the embryos we are lucky enough to freeze (if any…).

Thinking about IVF is exciting. Terrifying. Amazing. The best and worst all in one. I few as if we are moving forward without Kenley. Leaving her behind; forgetting her. I know this isn’t true, as this future child will be her sibling, too. It’s just hard to think about. She should be 5 months old. Rolling around, enjoying bath time, growing up right before my eyes. But she’s not, and never will be. Shane and I know we want to give Landon (and Kenley) a sibling. Landon deserves it. Our family deserves it. I fucking deserve it.

I should be going in for my baseline ultrasound and blood work this week. I’m hoping everything looks phenomenal, and that possibly things have improved even slightly; anything to improve our chances. I’m doing everything in my power to help our chances, so here’s hoping it pays off.

I’m taking so many vitamins it’s ridiculous. 600 mg CoQ10 ubiquinol, 3,000 mg açai extract, 75 mg DHEA, 2,000 IU Vitamin D3, 500 mg Vitamin C, 400 mcg folic acid, and a prenatal. I am hoping that the full 4-5 months of these really helps our chances. If IVF fails for us, I will be crushed. I have confidence in my doctor, and his lab. But, confidence does shit for how the body actually responds to medication.

I’m hoping this week will provide us will good news, a new IVF calendar, and hope. The all consuming hope. Hope is a fucked up thing; it leads to false confidence in a way. Quite honestly, I don’t have it right now and probably won’t feel hopeful until the MFM takes my baby from me at 37 weeks to avoid letting me get to my loss milestone (for sanity reasons).

I don’t know how you’re expected to hold onto hope when you’ve lost a full term child, and you struggle with infertility.

There is no “hope” anymore.

It seems an impossible feat.

empty.

Posted by Randi

Somedays I wake up and realize immediately how empty I feel. Physically, emotionally, and mentally; I am empty.

• Mentally, I am constantly fighting off thoughts of guilt, depression, anxiety, panic and fear. Yet I’m still empty.

• Emotionally, I am on the verge of tears at any given moment. I’m able to hold it together better these days, though. I’m learning to carry my grief–faking it. All of that, and I still am empty.

• Physically, my heart aches with physical pain. I am no longer carrying my child, and she is not alive. My chest is tight 98% of the time. I’m learning to manage these things through breathing exercises. No matter the physical pain, I am still empty.

The days are ticking past in what seems to be fast forward. Each day feels like the longest and shortest day of my life. I cannot believe it has been nearly 5 months.

I heard a song today that hit me hard. I haven’t been able to listen to music in nearly 5 months. If you know me, you know that this is torture.

I have said to myself in a mirror’s company
Who’s that panicked stranger on his knees
All I want is to reset how I breathe
And slow down the fear I bleed

Light up my eyes, show them where to start
Unearth bright sides buried in their thoughts
I’m a prisoner to all the fight I’ve lost
So go on, love, you’re all I’ve got

MUTEMATH- Composed

I hate faking composure. Some day I hopefully won’t have to fake it, but until then…