blah.

Posted by Randi

I feel very blah today. I don’t really know how to describe it other than that. I’m tired, I’ve been randomly nauseous all day, and I have a wicked headache.

I know these things are normal, but I can’t help but think about my previous pregnancy. I took a medicine for nausea with K that I didn’t take with Landon–could that have contributed to her death? I definitely don’t want to take that medicine this time around, but if my nausea gets as bad as it was, how will I function?

I think of how tired I was with Kenley. I remember how amazing Shane was about letting me nap whenever I needed to. Now, I can’t help but think, “Well, you’re going to have all the time in the fucking world to nap while Landon is in Kindergarten, and you are all alone without your daughter”. I know it’s irrational to think like that, I do, but I can’t help but have those thoughts.

The same irrational thoughts go along with this current pregnancy, and getting congratulations about it. I don’t want congrats. In my mind I’m getting these congrats on being pregnant because a series of really fucking shitty events happened in my life that led me here. My daughter who I tried so hard for, died, without warning and stole the light from my soul. I went through (and am currently/will always be going through) the worst time of my life. I went through IVF, and paid completely out of pocket (how much is IVF, you ask? We’re looking at a cool $23,000 after this cycle is said and done). And countless invasive procedures to get where I am. Yes, I am pregnant. I am so thankful for this pregnancy, and I will love this child (if I get to keep her) with all of my heart.

It’s just hard. I think that people heard we’re pregnant again and immediately think “ok they’re done grieving”. Nope. Not anywhere near what the truth is. I am not ok with being around your baby. I do not want to see your baby bump or talk about your pregnancy. I am not okay with being around large groups of people yet. The pain of these things, is not gone just because I am pregnant. I don’t know how to explain this to people yet, or how I can make them understand this. I know that some people will never understand it; they will always think that I should “be ok” by now.

I know that people are going to expect one thing from me during this pregnancy and I’ll probably be over here doing the complete opposite, but I hope that they try to understand. If I don’t want to come to the christmas get together this year, I hope you understand. If I don’t want to buy a million gifts, and celebrate this year, I truly hope that you get it. If, on thanksgiving, I would rather be with my family at my house, alone, I hope you understand why I need that. This year of first’s is going to be the hardest, and I need people to just fucking understand it.

I think we need to take a vacation for Christmas this year. Santa can find Landon anywhere, so why not, right?

screening.

Posted by Randi

Landon’s screening went well today. I was pretty nervous because the first words out of his mouth this morning at 6:44 were “I don’t want to go to my school thing today”. When we left the house to go, he was super excited. We got there and the secretary gave us a name tag with his name on it, and a round colored sticker on the name tag. She told Landon that he needed to collect five stickers and then he would be done with his screening.

She gave me a folder, and some more information and sent us to the Hearing center. When we walked in, Landon said immediately that he wanted to take the headphones home with him — What a dork. She also did the color blindness test. He passed that with flying colors, and the lady gave Landon another sticker, and sent us to the next center. We walked into the vision center and Landon sat down in a chair. The man there showed him some shapes, and placed glasses on Landon that would block his vision in one eye or the other depending on which one he was testing.

Landon did really well with his left eye, but failed his right eye. I am pretty sure that he has no issues with his vision as he’s never once showed any signs to us. They told me that I need to get his eyes tested, so I will be setting up with an ophthalmologist for him (and Shane) soon. He received his sticker, and we were sent on our way. We went to the bus scheduling center, and were given the paper that showed us when he would be picked up and dropped of. He gave us a sticker and sent us to the next center. Then we went and spoke with the Lunch Lady. Landon had to enter his student ID into a machine to practice for his Lunch (doubt he will be buying because he only wants to pack as of right now haha). She gave us our last sticker and then we paid the secretary for his school fees, and we were out the door!

I thought they might ask him some academic information, but they didn’t.

When Shane got home, we went to his parent’s house to celebrate his dads 60th birthday. His mom will turn 58 tomorrow, too! Then, his grandmas birthday is the 11th. Too many birthdays- I can’t keep them straight! After 12 years, you would think I could figure it out…

Therapy tomorrow morning; Landon’s going to my Mother in Laws while we go. I was going to cancel, but I know that’s not a good idea. I’ve really been having a hard time connecting to this pregnancy. I know it’s early, and tomorrow is only 6 weeks, but man…this is rough. I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. I’ve started to feel a little nauseous, so I’m trying to tell myself that “this is good”, but I’m not stupid, and I know that’s not “true”. I hate that I know so fucking much- I wish I was able to be naive and enjoy pregnancy again…

All I want to do is cuddle Landon, but he won’t let me because he’s too cool for that now.

I’m going to cry so hard when he gets on the bus next Wednesday…gonna be a sobbing mess. Ugh. Where has the time gone? I wish I could have him as a little baby one more time. I miss it, and I want to go back and enjoy him more.

Life. sigh.

tomorrow.

Posted by Randi

Landon will be starting Kindergarten August 18th, but first he has to attend the standard Kindergarten screening tomorrow afternoon. We have to be at his school at 11 am, and check in at the office. I’m not exactly sure what will happen, but I’m more nervous than he is I’m sure. We still need to get him a few things for school; a beach towel for quiet time, and a snack for his entire class (need to find out how many kinds are in his class first…).

I hope that tomorrow we find out the class list, and maybe his bus schedule. We live about 5-7 minutes from his school, so if he will be on the bus for 40 minutes I’m just going to take him. On the other hand, I’m scared to start taking him because I know that once I do, he will never want to ride the bus (can you blame him?). It’s not like I have anything to do in the mornings, so I guess it’s not a really big deal.

I just can’t help but think that I should be stressing out about getting Kenley ready in the mornings in time to get Landon to school on time. It’s so frustrating to think about. It makes me angry and sad. I hate what happened to her, and I hate the way our family has become. I don’t like that I will never be the same. I was doing so well. I was happy. I was focused on my life, my family, our future, and in one second it was all ripped away from me- from us.

Our next ultrasound is 8/16 with the RE. He said we should be able to hear a heartbeat (with K I heard it at 6+2, I will be almost 7 weeks at this appt). It is starting to scare me to think about not hearing a heartbeat. No matter if I’m struggling with feeling attached to this current pregnancy right now, I still want it to go right. I want this pregnancy, I want this child born into my arms, and to be in my life until the day I die. I might not be able to fully digest the feelings right yet, but I know that I’m doing everything I can to make sure this pregnancy is healthy, and that I am healthy.

The past few weeks have been a crazy emotional time; I’m so thankful that I have my husband by my side. He truly understands me and allows me to feel whatever I need. He allows me to be on my grief timeline, and that’s what I need.

Tomorrow is also Tuesday- ugh. I was driving in the car the other day by myself and I thought “I’m doing better”. I’m able to control my random crying. I’m able to function on Tuesdays. I feel very empty still, but I think that is simply a depression symptom that I am aware of and work every single day to control.

I like to think I’m doing better. Maybe I’m lying to myself, but maybe I have to until I’m really doing better.

Whatever, I am doing what I have to do to survive.

normal.

Posted by Randi

This weekend I’m in my hometown visiting my family, and helping my sister with some bridal shower things. It’s been enjoyable, and Landon has had a great time as usual. Being here makes me realize that I don’t view this as my home anymore; my home is 2.5 hours away, in a small town where my Husband is. I’ve wanted to move back to my hometown for nearly 6 years, and we just haven’t had a chance to make it work. It will never happen, and honestly I feel ok with it now. I like my hometown, but I’m ok with not living here. I wish my family were closer, sure, but that is impossible.

I went with my sister and 2 other bridesmaids today to get their make up trial run done. The plan was to have airbrush makeup done for the wedding, and I think everyone had super high hopes for today. Well… I’m pretty sure they all hated it. My sister and one of the bridesmaids washed their faces immediately when they got home, and I’m not sure about the other one. It amazes me that someone would pay for this service, when it just looked, I don’t know, boring. I hope that my sister can decide on someone else who would do a good job, or that she is confident in herself doing her own make up. No matter what she will look beautiful.

Being around people who I’m not normally around really makes me realize how life is just trucking along, and I’m still “stuck”. I find it difficult to enjoy anything these days, and no matter how much I push myself to try and engage, I’d rather just not. I feel very lonely, even surrounded by a bunch of people. I know that’s my grief talking and shining through, but I’ve yet to figure out a way to combat it. My therapist says that I shouldn’t do anything that makes me uncomfortable; I wonder what she would say if I told her that all things make me feel uncomfortable these days?

We talked about “exposure” therapy on Wednesday. Shane brought up the idea, and asked our therapist what she thought. She said that it’s not a good approach for grief. In front of Kenley’s door stands a 5 foot tall t-rex; I have to have it positioned a certain way so that I don’t see her door handle. If I see the door handle, I know there’s a room behind there and I know that it’s her nursery. If the stand is blocking her door handle, I can almost walk past and think nothing of it. I don’t know. I know it’s weird, and it probably sounds weird to most people – but it’s what I need right now.

Anyway, our therapist said that I don’t need to rush myself into going in. She told me to go in when I feel ready. She said “Honestly, a baby doesn’t even need it’s own room until what, 6months? You are in no rush”. This made me feel better; I don’t want to feel like I’m being pressured to be on someone else’s grief timeline. I went in her room the night we got home from the hospital, and I went in at 4 months; I haven’t gone in again. Some days I feel a desire to go in, but I don’t. I don’t know why I don’t go in, probably because I just don’t feel like being sad. I’m “sadded” out these days; I can’t handle any more sadness, please and thank you.

It’s so incredibly hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that it’s AUGUST. My entire year has flown by in the blink of an eye. I have been in a fog all year, understandably, and it’s just so odd to me how time keeps moving right along. Today just solidified how everyone else is moving on, moving forward with life, and I’m just stuck here.

Stuck in the past, present, and future. I will always have one foot somewhere else, for eternity. I don’t think I will ever be present “in the now”.

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joy.

Posted by Randi

I’ve been struggling to feel any sort of “joy” lately; not just surrounding this new pregnancy, but in daily life. I just feel so, I don’t know, empty? It’s like I’m here, physically, but I just don’t feel very “into” anything.

I know this feeling is depression, I’m well aware. I am on medication for this, and I can tell that it’s helping, because honestly if it wasn’t I don’t know that I would be anywhere near where I am today.

We went to therapy today (haven’t been since we found out we were pregnant). Our beta was last Wednesday- Therapy Day – so we had to cancel. When we got there today, our therapist was waiting on the edge of her seat to hear our news.

When I told her that we were indeed pregnant, she screamed out of sheer excitement for us, and she cried. SHE CRIED. Our therapist was so happy for us, IS so happy for us, that she legitimately cried tears of Joy for us.

I want to feel joy again. I hope as time goes on that I am able to.

weird.

Posted by Randi

This weekend has been weird. Friday, I had my repeat betas and they were great; doubling within 44 hours. I have my third beta on Monday morning and when we get those results back we will scheduled our first ultrasound.

Ugh. First ultrasound; It brings tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. The last time I had an ultrasound with a baby in my ute, she was dead. No heartbeat, no movement, no life. To go to another ultrasound and possibly hear a heartbeat is so, so, so intimidating. It’s absolutely frightening. I want to be excited, please don’t get me wrong. It’s just causing me anxiety, and I feel zero joy right now.

I want to feel excited for this baby; for Landon and Kenley’s little sister growing inside of me. I am just having a really hard time right now. I figured I would take a test, see 2 lines, and cry. Nope, didn’t do that. I figured when I got my first beta back I would feel so great that the number was “this high” or “perfect“, but I didn’t. When the repeat beta came back more than doubled, I figured that I would feel some reassurance…But, you guessed it, I didn’t feel any. I literally just feel empty, which is so ironic because for the first time in 7 months, I’m not alone anymore…even when I am.

I’m guarded.

I don’t want to be.

I honestly don’t know if I will ever be ok during this pregnancy. If this baby is my “Rainbow baby” (side note: this word cuts through my heart like a knife. Kenley was my rainbow. She is supposed to be here, and be my fucking rainbow) I will love her with the same love that I have for Landon and Kenley, I know that. It’s just so unfortunate that the joy of any future pregnancy is shadowed by the fear of loss.

It is unfair.

I don’t care how childish that sounds, it’s the fucking truth.

This is all so unfair.

I miss you, my sweet girl. I am trying to be strong, I swear it to you. I try every. single. day. Sometimes it’s just too much.

The days where it’s too much end with me crying in bed, asking your daddy to promise me, to swear to me that he will bury your urn with me when I die.

No one should ever have to utter those words to their husband in the dark through tears.

Life is so incredibly fucked up.

PIO.

Posted by Randi

I started my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots the other day, and for some reason they hurt really bad this time. After my egg retrieval my RE had me start the same shots “just incase” our embryos sucked and didn’t make it to day 5 for PGS (can you tell my Dr has like, zero faith in my body? I don’t blame him, really) and they didn’t hurt at all! Shane was a pro then, maybe he’s just rusty. He says when he’s doing it this time there is resistance. Yeah…I know. I feel it.

I watched a few videos today of others giving themselves the shots, and I feel like I could do it but I figure we’ll give it one more shot with Shane doing it. I think tonight when he gets home, I will warm the oil by rolling it in my palms for a few minutes, and have him give me the shot while I’m laying down.

( * I ended up holding the vial of progesterone for a while to warm it up, which made the withdrawal so much easier. Once the syringe was filled I held it in my hand for another 5 mins and laid on my bed when Shane gave me the injection. Perfection! Didn’t even feel the shot at all *)

For those who don’t know about PIO, it’s to support the uterine lining during the luteal phase of a FET (frozen egg transfer) or a fresh transfer.

The set up looks like this (not my photo):

The one closest to the bottle is an 18g needle. It is used to draw up the medicine. The one on the right is a 22g-1.5 inch needle used to administer the injection. The shot is intramuscular.

And the shots go here:

Um Ouch.

If our embryo sticks, and we are indeed pregnant, we will continue this for 12 weeks. TWELVE. Every. single. night. I’m sorry – I know I should feel so pumped and excited, but it’s just not that simple anymore. I’ve lost my naivety toward the situation; I know too much.

I know what can go wrong if your hormone levels are off, or if you start spotting. I know that you can have an ectopic pregnancy and lose a tube, or an ovary, or fucking die. I know that your cervix can “not do it’s job” and you can lose your baby at any time even when you think you’ve past the scary points. I know that, even a week before you’re scheduled to have a normal repeat C-section, you can hear the words that will shatter your world forever; “This is where her heart is, and unfortunetly there is no heartbeat”. I know that you can truly feel like you want to die for the foreseeable future because your child died inside of you when you were in the clear; your daughter died when she shouldn’t have.

Those things could happen to us again. Any of them could be a possibility and I hate that I even have to worry about it. I know that we will be monitored so intensely, but my mind just goes back to “well, shouldn’t I have been monitored this well anyway? I am growing a human for fucks sake”. Sadly, that’s not the case. Monitoring for normal pregnancies is a joke. I had a shitty NINE MINUTE (yes, nine minutes…normal scans can range from 20 mins to an hour for some people) anatomy scan, an intake scan at a new OB that was probably 25-30 minutes long, and a scan at 36.5 weeks…and somehow, no one detected a possibly anomaly with Kenley’s cord. Maybe, just maybe, if a Biophysical Profile Ultrasound was done on me my daughter would be here. Maybe, if my doctors sent me to an MFM because of my history with Preeclampsia, they would have done one on me. I should have been sent to an MFM. I was failed by doctors. All of my doctors failed us during Kenley’s pregnancy.

There is a standard of care, and a general guideline to follow when sending your patient to an MFM…and I ticked many boxes, yet I wasn’t sent.

I will never forgive myself for not advocating harder for my Daughter.

The medical field needs to get their shit together. 26,000 stillbirths a year, and yet we just can’t figure it out?

Unacceptable.

Medicine failed my sweet girl, and it’s hard to believe that anything positive could happen for us now.

next.

Posted by Randi

Tomorrow, if everything looks good at my scan, I will be a week away from my Transfer.

A week.

7 days.

I will hopefully be carrying our next child, soon. I don’t even know what to call this child. Kenley was my rainbow, yet…she wasn’t.

If anyone knows the answer to this, I would love to hear it. I suppose this next child would be my rainbow…but what would this make Kenley. Life is weird.

The RE has my beta set for 8 days after our transfer. I’m almost 100% positive that I will not be able to wait that long to find out if it worked or not. On the other hand, I don’t want to test early and get a false negative. There’s just so much to think about, but in all reality I should just calm the hell down and wait for my beta.

I don’t think I can wait though. Dr.Google has shown me that a bunch of ladies have gotten + tests as soon as 4 days past a 5 day transfer. I don’t know how I can rationalize not testing early.

I really want to talk to a loss mom who is a few months ahead of me. I want to pick their brain, ask them a few questions. How did you control your stress? How did you not worry every second of every day? How do you make yourself feel that you are worthy of this pregnancy? Did you have issues connecting to this new pregnancy?

Just a few things I think about whenever I think about becoming pregnant again.

I did feel something like excitement today when thinking about another child…so there’s that.

anxiety? stress? frustration? guilt.

Posted by Randi

Yesterday was a rough day for me; I felt my frustration getting the best of me. Landon kept pushing my buttons, and I had enough for the day, so I left. I got dressed, and I told Shane I was leaving…and I did. I grabbed my book and purse and off I went. I didn’t know where I was going to go, but a few things flooded my mind.

• Go shopping (I did this)

• Go rent a hotel room BY MYSELF and read my book all night. Relax, maybe get room service, and just be…

• Go to the airport and buy a plane ticket to somewhere (I won’t lie, this would have been a super high possibility had I brought my medication with me)

So ultimately I’m a rational person and decided to go shopping. What did I buy? I used a gift card to Ulta and bought myself two nail polishes, a new BB cream, dry shampoo, and moisturizing foot treatment sock things. Then, I bought 4 shirts for myself. And finally I went and spent $30 on dog treats because he was the only thing not annoying me.

I know that it’s not 100% Landon’s fault that I have a short threshold lately, I really really know that. But, he has been not listening a lot lately. On the 4th of July he broke a window at a cookout because his cousin told him to. He cried because he felt so bad, and I’m glad he felt bad. He knows better than that, and I don’t know what happened. He got caught up in the “fun” they were having and just lost his head. He had to apologize to his Great-Grandpa and tell him what happened. Of course great grandpa wasn’t mad and felt so bad because Landon was crying.

I’ve been trying to tell him to listen to me the first time I ask/tell him to do something because he’s been slacking on that as of late. I know he’s changing and growing up, but I have to keep on him so much sometimes that I feel as if the only thing I say all day is “No”.

Today, he was playing Garden Warfare for a minute, and was a sunflower. He shot a letter “K”on the ground and said “Mommy, look. I made a K for Kenley”. Then he immediately asked me if I was going to cry. He’s noticed that if he talks about her lately, I don’t cry like I used to. I suppose this is a good thing, but sometimes he takes me by surprise and I will cry. He keeps asking me if I’m pregnant again; I think he hears us talk about IVF and he’s catching on. I told him not yet, but that’s the plan soon. We ask him if that’s something he would want to happen, and he always says no. Always. Without hesitation. I get it, Landon. I am terrified too, buddy. I’ve had to explain to him so many times that what happened to his sister was a fluke (…ha) and that it will not happen again. That I will be going to the dr many more times than I did before etc etc, but how do you explain this to a 5 year old. He doesn’t know how to grasp these things. He was expecting a sister, and instead got his mother back as an incomplete human who can barely function some days.

So I fuckin get it, dude. I’m scared as well.

He keeps asking me for a brother. I know he doesn’t understand that right now, but it cuts me like a knife. It makes me feel so incredibly guilty, and sad for him. I couldn’t give him a brother or a sister to play with when it really counted, and when I was SO CLOSE to giving him one, I couldn’t even keep her alive. I know that someday he will understand, and he will really understand when/if he has children of his own some day. Losing Kenley was a huge smack in our family’s face, and sometimes I feel like Landon has the heaviest part of this all. He’s 5, and he has to watch his parents fall apart and “knows” why, but will spend his entire childhood wondering truly “what happened”. And the saddest part? He will probably forget about her.

I hate life after loss. It’s incredibly difficult to navigate, and I feel like I’m not doing a good job.

I feel that somedays I’m just failing everyone.

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